Suicide.

Even the word is evocative
And provocative
Charged with such emotion and energy.
Memories and thoughts of what was and what could have been
had I succeeded,
had I been successful.

A ‘Successful’ Suicide
What an oxymoron!
A failed attempt and all it leaves
Behind;
Surrounded by despair
That is now also dressed in anger.

The feelings of failure
‘I can’t even kill myself properly’
Let me die.
Please God
Let me go …….
This hurts so much.

Judgement
Where tenderness is most needed
Coldness
Where warmth and compassion are ached for

Their absence proof that staying is futile
Painful
Pointless!

I want a heart that can hear
Without defensive fear
Impatience and dismissal
Without accusations of selfishness
And attention seeking
Smirks and sneers
That cut deeply into my already fragmented self

Bring me a cup of tea
Sit with me
Don’t look away!
Show me tenderness
Truthfulness
Rawness
Be real

I’ve no interest in talks of helplessness And hopelessness
And ideation
And intention
And plans
And triggers

I need humanity
Not science
Not medical jargon

Hold my hand
Connect with me
Allow me to grieve my past self
Allow me to see myself through your eyes;
Help me see hope in you.
Give me some time and I will do the same for you.