Ive dealt with disordered eating for as long as I can remember. It’s like it functions by a dimmer switch. It’s always there to some degree. Sometimes the switch is turned down and, while never really on friendly terms with food, sometimes it’s not all-consuming. Purging is random and not an everyday occurrence during those times. Thoughts are not centered on food all day.
Then the switch gets turned up. Something will be particularly activating and the behaviors become prominent again. l have a few days or weeks where food is at the forefront of my mind and restricting, binging, and purging is what everything revolves around day and night.
Then the dimmer switch will turn down and I can pull myself out of the cycle again.
This time it’s proving to be much harder to pull myself out of it. There was no gradual onset. And I can almost pinpoint the exact moment the alarms started going off in my head. It was when I was in the hospital a few weeks ago …
I was in the bed connected to the various tubes and machines, with no clothes on, just several blankets wrapped around me, bags of glucose and potassium running into my neck, fluids, and calcium flowing in through an IV in my foot, I had a catheter…
2 nurses were at my bedside with juice, cookies, and cheese telling me I had to eat it and they weren’t going to leave until they watched me finish it because after all, that food was my ‘medicine’ …
I was severely hypo-glycemic and it was imperative that they grasp every possible solution, and that included food with simple sugars.
Since that moment my mind has become preoccupied with every single bite of food I take. The monster in my head has woken up and is on a vicious rampage. I gained a few lbs in those 2 weeks b/c of everything I had to eat. And drink. So many calories were consumed through fluids alone!
3 days before I was discharged they took the catheter out and I could get out of bed then. The first thing I did was go and throw up. The tubes in my neck complicated things a bit because the pressure of vomiting kept causing the alarms on the IV pole to go off. But once I figured out what the different buttons were for I was able to turn off the alarms by myself.
So here I am, spiraling. I’m mentally and physically unwell because of the sudden lack of medication in my system. So vulnerabilities are running high. I feel raw, trying to claw my way out of this mess.
And what a mess this is.
Her Complex Musings 
Hello, to you as well 😊
I do find writing to be very helpful. I don’t do it nearly enough though. Aside from the occasional post on here and emails to my psychologist, writing is something I seem to have pulled away from. I have shelves on my bookcase lined off with journals from over the years. A lot of raw ugliness fills most of them. I sometimes feel like my main focus through the day is on trying (and failing) to rid myself of all the strong overwhelming emotions. I tend to avoid a lot of things, simply because I find emotions to be so hard to process.
Ive heard of IFS but am not familiar with it. It sounds like it involves a lot of acceptance and self compassion …? You don’t know much about me but I’m pretty sure you hit the nail right on its head when you said it could be trying to fight overwhelm and helplessness. Definitely been lots of that! I’m impressed by how you fit that together.
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Hello to the raw vulnerable one, and also, hello to the one who is preoccupied with food.
I can’t help wishing there was some way to offer assistance to you in a time of great need!
Perhaps it is helpful when you are able to write down honestly how you are feeling, and to be really heard without someone trying to change or minimise your feelings.
In a course I took based on Internal Family Systems and trauma, I learnt of the idea that even the monstrous parts of me are doing their best with the tools they have available. I’m so sorry you are going through these stormy seas. The part who needs to control food could be doing its best to try and prevent overwhelm and meltdown. Trying to steer away from a sense of helplessness that is frighteningly strong.
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