It’s Too Dark

A Girl In A Complex World

Things have gotten bad. I don’t know exactly what brought it on but it seems as though I’ve slipped into some sort of depressive episode or something. What I’m experiencing is far more than just a bad day. I’ve had a few severe episodes of depression over the years, and they’ve occurred during winter months. But this … this is different. This was not brought on because of anything situational. There have been no life changes. It’s definitely not a seasonal thing. In fact, this is the time of year where I usually do best. Being able to be outside is something I thrive on.

Yet here I am, struggling just to keep breathing. The sadness and hopelessness I feel is profound. Intrusive thoughts are making it difficult to stay centered. Thoughts that are making me feel like I am going crazy. Thoughts that are trying to convince me of the worthlessness of my presence in this world. Thoughts that are so loud that sometimes it’s as if someone outside of me is speaking them out loud and they are audible.

I seem to have lost every bit of motivation for everything. My garden is dry and some of my veggies are dying, because it takes too much energy to go water them. My garden has been my pride and joy yet it’s starting to die because something in me has deemed it all to be pointless and a waste of time. My artwork, which has been a great hobby of mine, sits untouched in a storage tub. I’ve had to put it out of sight because the urge to burn it all has been so intense. I’ve spent a lot of money in recent months on various kinds of paints, brushes, canvas, alcohol markers, regular markers, mixed media paper, sketch pads, etc and I fear that I may destroy it all. I don’t want to, but the sick part of my brain seems to want to destroy everything that means anything to me.

The simple everyday tasks of eating, drinking, showering, brushing my hair, and so on are all-consuming. I am someone who likes routine and I am very particular about my appearance. I don’t go to bed without a shower and the first thing I do in the morning is my hair and makeup. It’s part of my normal routine and takes very little thought. Yet I’ve gone 3 days now without any of it. I’m wearing the same pair of jeans and tshirt, very unlike me. Being clean is something I tend to be obsessive about but it takes more effort than I can give.

I’m at a loss as to what to do to help myself right now. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what is happening. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

Everything just seems so dark.

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Published by A Girl In A Complex World

16 thoughts on “It’s Too Dark”

  1. This is so good to hear! Neurographica is an amazing tool to re-discover our ground of being and the divine energy that animates us. I have an Open House every Thursday at noon MST, it’s a free-form hangout where people from all over the world come to draw, talk and share their drawings. It’s a free event and you may enjoy being a part of it if you use Neurographica. Link is at neurographic.art 🙂

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  2. Ive done some mindfulness work on my own in the past, mostly focusing on breath. I’ve been doing the neurographica recently and am definitely seeing it’s benefits. Being present is a massive challenge for me, as I deal with pretty intense C-PTSD and dissociation. I’ve found the Neurographica to be the best tool among everything I’ve tried. I even shared it with a few others as I feel very strongly about it’s benefits.

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  3. Great question! Some people call it mindfulness, some “being present” but the idea is the same – focusing your attention on where attention comes from. It’s an always silent always quiet place within. You know it if you’ve done sitting meditation. Neurographica is a form of meditation that helps keep focus on that place. And people draw together, the energetic field is intensified and the process becomes easier.

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  6. Peace …. something i desperately want.
    I recently discovered Neurographica actually through a random video I saw one day. I’m new to it all but have been doing some on my own. I’ve read some of your posts and it’s all so intriguing. Are your sessions done via Zoom?

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  7. You’re going through a transition. Reaching the destination will bring deep peace. Stay focused on your breath, not your thoughts. Neurographica may be of a benefit to you. I have a free open house drawing session every Thursday at noon neurographic.art

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  8. More of my thoughts- it might not resonate for you. The feelings are real and extremely overwhelming and scary. The thoughts are not a true reflection of who you are in truth- and its not your fault that you can’t connect with that on a feeling level right now. ❤️

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  9. Just my thoughts- The other thing that comes to mind is that not everyone is the right listener for dark thoughts. Perhaps a helpline can work- someone who can hear the thoughts WITHOUT minimizing the terror you are feeling (e.g. your fine. There’s nothing to worry about. NOT HELPFUL) AND at the same time not be frightened of the thoughts themselves. Sending you so much love ❤️

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  11. I can understand that you would want to protect him from worry (if that is how you are feeling) AND in my experience, when thoughts are dark it is essential to be able to share them. ♥️

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  14. Yes. He’s aware. It’s been ongoing for a couple of weeks now and it’s become pretty hard to hide it. He’s concerned, reluctant to go to work. I hate putting him in that position. Both my therapist and psychiatrist are on holidays right now too.

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