Does It Ever Go Away?

When the majority of the world is asleep, resting their mind and body after the day’s events, I often lay awake. Staring off into the darkness, I plead with myself … please, just go to sleep. Sometimes I give in and take an hour to nap during the day. And I am working on forgiving myself for it too. I’m exhausted, after all.
I’m so very exhausted.

Mental illness just sucks. I cried randomly today while hanging clothes out on the line. And I forgave myself for that as well. It just all feels like too much sometimes.

And the truth is — It is too much.

The appointments, the pills, the therapy, the special authorizations that rarely actually get approved, and the symptoms. All the symptoms that either don’t go away,  or keep coming back, no matter how many things I do to try and tame them.

It is too much.

Now, I know I’m not supposed to say that. I know I’m supposed to live my life full of hope and gratitude and look for the silver linings. And yes, they do indeed exist! But oh my goodness. I’m so tired of having to fight so damn hard to find them.

I often remind myself that this is only a season. I know that every storm eventually runs out of rain. But I’ve lived this for over twenty years. Is it too much to ask to want more than just a day of sunshine here and there? In the back of my mind, I also ask myself — will you ever actually get better, Danielle? Will these symptoms ever go away?

And what lingers and nags at me, ever so strongly, is the truth I know so well in my aching heart and my dysregulated body … mental illness doesn’t go away.
We manage it.

We find the silver linings in the middle of its hurricane. We talk to ppl who get it. We sleep when we have to. We take the medication and we go to the appointments. We feed our bodies to keep our strength up and we maintain hydration to keep things working as they should.

But no — it doesn’t go away.

And I don’t know if I will ever be able to accept this.