When I was in recovery, that’s what I missed most – the relief. The escape from everything I was feeling.
And its still the thing I continuously go back to when life gets hard. I’m either bingeing and purging several times a day or I’m avoiding food entirely. I’ve lost all sense of balance and my body is struggling desperately to keep up.
Every time I sense rejection, or unworthiness, and every time my sadness grabs at my throat, I numb it frantically with food. Then, instead of sadness, I feel fullness, which is even more unbearable. So I purge it all out.
This new, fresh emptiness is much better because it is a clean, hard-earned, exhausted emptiness. Now I’m too tired, too sore, and too weak to feel anything else.
So, I feel nothing. That feeling of ‘nothing’ brings such a tremendous amount of relief.
Her Complex Musings 