Well, the comfort I was receiving from the hot water bottle was wonderful. Except, it was short-lived. Through no fault of its own though! That hot water bottle was / STILL IS an incredible tool in my Skills Box.
A lot has happened lately. Maybe a slight percentage has been a genuine response to trauma and/or illness, and not something I had complete control over …. but when you choose to do something, YOU are the reason it happens. So whatever happens is your fault, isn’t it?
I’ve put my body through absolute torture these past 2 weeks and its going to take a while to settle from it all. Unless you deal with it on your own personal level, absolutely no one will ever comprehend what its like to live with a brain that wants me dead.
I can’t help but feel a little jealous … I’m actually more than a little jealous, but I digress … of the ppl I hear and read about who also deal with depression, PTSD, eating disorders, BPD, dissociation, and so on who have found ways to still live productive lives and can maintain a level of stability that is acceptable in other ppl’s eyes. I’ve been dealing with this stuff for several decades … and I have yet to discover what ‘stable’ looks and feels like.
I don’t get angry very often but right now I feel absolutely PISSED – at everyone and everything. All I want is to be able to eat, drink, sleep, and socialize with other ppl the way other stable, functional human beings do every single day. It really isn’t that much to ask, is it?
I want to live … and experience things outside of survival. That’s all I want. I’ve totally got the survival part figured out. Now, I just want to live.
Her Complex Musings 
No idea why I never saw this comment until now. Thank you for the things you said. I agree with you. You’ve given me a lot to think about.
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Just the act of living brings good stuff and bad stuff; the difference between people is how they handle the bad stuff. And that depends on brain chemistry and what we’ve experienced: what we’ve learned. Some see bad stuff as just the world ‘doing its thing’; it hardly touches them. Some don’t even notice ‘bad’; they aren’t looking for it. Others lack that natural self-confidence and feel that _they_ are to blame: somehow attracting the bad or just not knowing how to avoid it. And some are left feeling completely helpless, with no empathy for their situation. Some – with bipolar disorder – swing uncontrollably through all of these moods. As I said, some of it’s down to brain chemistry and a good part of that is treatable. But we can also help ourselves by noticing how we label things as ‘bad’ – and how dark a label we use. Those who seem to ‘brush off’ the bad know that it will pass; they just need to wait and something will offer a key. They don’t ‘hold themselves to account’ for the bad. And importantly they don’t dwell on the bad and try to ‘digest’ it; they just let it go. They don’t test everything to see if it’s got a rotten core. The world isn’t all good, but neither is it deeply bad. I know, “Tell that to an orphaned child in a war zone, or a woman who’s just been raped,” but it’s still valid. Our minds weave a story about our ‘life’ and it’s up to us whether we let the bad dominate that story or let the good shine out of it So if you want to “just live” – and I applaud that inner strength – then JFDI. Watch the story you tell yourself and _make_ it less dark. Sensitivity to the bad is a spectrum and you _can_ move yourself to other colours: to other moods.
I can see from your blog that you’ve been through a lot and have learned a lot. You deserve to enjoy life too.
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Thank you 🦋
Look after yourself 🫂
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Sending you a [[Biiiiiigg Hhuugg]] in return! —♡🦋♡—
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((Hugs))
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