Author: A Girl In A Complex World

I Survived

A Girl In A Complex World

Well, here we are! Almost through the first month of 2025. Its been quite a roller-coaster of a month, that’s for sure.

As for last year though, if I had to sum up 2024 in 2 words, I would have to say – I survived.


Honestly, it felt like one challenge after another, like the universe was testing just how much I could handle. I found myself breaking in ways I never thought I would. I had to let go of things I held onto for a long time. I wrestled with doubts and fears that I couldn’t silence, and I carried things that felt way heavier than they should have. There were nights when it felt like my own brain was trying to take me out.

And somehow, I’m still here. One thing I’ve learned is that surviving doesn’t always mean you have everything figured out. Sometimes, survival is about finding the courage to wake up and try again, even when it feels like nothing is changing.

Maybe that’s actually what matters the most – holding onto the quiet strength to keep going when life is trying to knock you down, making it harder and harder for you to succeed.

If nothing else, I know now that I am tougher and stronger than I ever thought possible and that feels like something worth holding onto right now.

2024 was not a bad year. In fact, it was one full of personal growth and countless incredible blessings. But since December month, it’s been one crisis after the other and my health, my family, my finances, my marriage, and even my sanity have taken a hit and it caused the year to end on a very low note, which has carried on into this month as well.

I’m going into this year feeling sick, tired, discouraged, and broken. I’m clinging to hope. And I have faith that we will be ok. I think we all need to believe in something, a higher power of some sort, that we can draw some degree of strength from. Something that can provide us with a degree of comfort in those dark hours when we are completely alone and can see no way forward. I believe that if you can find whatever does that for you, then you will be able to survive too – like I have, and continue to do so.

The first month of this new year is over. You did it! Now I hope that whatever the next 11 months have to bring, you will find and tap into something that brings you the strength and comfort you need to get out of bed each day and put your best self forward.

My prayer for us all is that despite such a tough start, 2025 will turn out to be the year that we THRIVE and RECLAIM ourselves! May you get to know and fall head over heels in love with your authentic self this year and I encourage you to reclaim your God-given right to be on this earth!

Just in case you haven’t heard it yet today, or this week … or maybe you haven’t heard it at all this year!

YOU MATTER!

✨️

Do You Need A Hug?

A Girl In A Complex World

Ernest Hemingway once said,
“In our darkest moments, we don’t need advice.”

And I agree. What we truly need is connection: a quiet presence, a gentle hug, or the smallest gesture that reminds us we’re not alone. Those simple acts of kindness may very well become the anchors that keep us grounded when life feels overwhelming.

Pain is deeply personal.  Each struggle is uniquely ours to face. But even if your presence is silent, it tells me I don’t have to face this stuff alone. It’s a quiet reminder that, no matter how broken I feel, I am still worthy of human connection.

Sometimes, words aren’t necessary. Silent support speaks louder than anything else does. Love and kindness, in its purest form, has the power to help us reclaim and restore ourselves, even when we have lost sight of who we are.

I just wanted to remind you of the importance of simply being there for each other because life is hard and being alone sucks.

There is a suicide epidemic in our country.

So reach out and hug someone, if you can.  Without even realizing it, you could be saving a life. Maybe even be your own.

Lonely

A Girl In A Complex World

The desire to reach out and connect with ppl is huge but there’s another part of me that wants to run for dear life and never speak to another human being ever again. My need for connection is so BIG and so the fear of not being met where I am, or worse, being completely ignored, or in some way rejected, just feels too much.

It’s ridiculous. I’m so sensitive to even the slightest hint of rejection. Even just subtle shifts in energy – and suddenly it’s a disaster. Any normal person wouldn’t even notice this stuff. It’s probably not even there! Ugh …

Is Surviving A Testament Of Strength?

A Girl In A Complex World

I ventured outside today. Not because I wanted to though. The last thing I wanted to do was put a coat and boots on to go walk around in the snow. I went out because I needed to. I’ve barely moved from the couch in 3 days. This year is not off to a good start.



First, we had the first-ever earthquake here in Central Newfoundland. Very minor. But there has never been an earthquake here. Then we had a major 3-day storm. Our driveway was washed out and our roof had some damage. Thankfully it was minor. Then I ended up spending 9 hours in the ER, for dehydration.

Through all of that, I’ve been struggling just to keep breathing. CPTSD has been kicking my ass. Between the paralyzing panic attacks, nightmares, disordered eating (restricting, binging, purging), chronic pain, and insomnia every breath I take requires effort. Putting in effort takes energy, and energy is something I have very little of. Or maybe it’s just a lack of drive or willpower. Either way, I don’t have much of anything right now.



But today I managed to tap into something inside of me that gave me a little boost. I was wiping away tears as I was putting my boots on. The dogs were so excited to have mom play ball with them. They’ve really been feeling the effects of what I’m going through and that has created such a massive amount of guilt for me. I try and tell myself that I really am doing the best that I can right now but it feels so fake.

The fresh air was amazing though. The sound of the waves along the shore was incredibly comforting. I miss walking there with the dogs. Another reason I dislike winter so much. When I get cold it triggers my CRPS and sometimes I’m in pain for several days after. It’s frustrating. Especially when more than half of the year is cold here in Newfoundland. So outdoor activity is quite limited. It’s a big factor in the decline of my mental health once the fall months are upon us.

Today the cool air was welcomed. It wasn’t windy, which made it much more manageable. It was as if by breathing it in I was bringing back a little glimmer of life. It even energized me enough to later vacuum, sweep, and mop through the house.

It was discouraging though to find myself standing in the middle of the room, on 3 separate occasions, completely dissociated, and I had to check my phone to see what time it was. Everything has just been so surreal. Over the last year, 40 years of trauma decided to all come flooding back at once, at times leaving me completely incapacitated. It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. I’ve shed more tears these past few months than I have my entire life.

So yeah. It’s been tough. But I guess surviving all of this is a testament to my strength? Maybe. I dunno. But I do know that growth doesn’t always look like success. Sometimes growth involves holding on when everything just feels so damn heavy. At least for me, it does.

The old me would have given up long ago.

We Made It!

A Girl In A Complex World

As the year comes to an end, just know you didn’t waste it. Those little moments of happiness, the small wins, even just finding peace in the chaos … they all mattered.

This year wasn’t easy, but surviving it is a testament to your strength. Growth doesn’t always look like success. Sometimes it’s just holding on when everything feels heavy. Be proud of yourself for making it through.

We did it!

The Tattoo Flu

A Girl In A Complex World

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a very ‘complex’ person (eye roll). And that neither my mind nor body functions as it should, and can be very unpredictable. So there’s not really a lot that really surprises me anymore. But like, seriously. Get this … I’ve been sick with what my tattoo artist is calling the ‘Tattoo Flu’. Have you ever heard of this?!



I got my 8th tattoo last week. I have never had any complications from any of them. Have never needed pain meds or even much aftercare because they all healed without any issues. I must also add that earlier this year I had one done on the left side of my chest, which is a part of my body that was seriously injured in a car accident (my left arm was amputated). No major issues with that tattoo. Minimal bleeding, swelling, and redness. No bruising. I went through the session with no problem.

But this time … Oh. My. Goodness!!

Within the first 30 minutes I started shivering, and it didn’t stop. 4 hrs later at home, I was still trembling. I threw up about an hour in. He gave me a break, had me eat candy, and asked if I wanted to stop and finish the rest another day. I told him to keep going.

I must admit though, the reason I didn’t want to stop was mainly because of pride. Because, you see, I am tough! I can handle a lot of pain. I’m a badass, with tattoos! A few needle pokes got nothing on this girl! I’ve been through much worse. So no, I’m not quitting!

Anyways, I was under the needle for 2 hrs. I was booked for additional touch-ups on 2 older tattoos but at the 2 hr mark, he completed my chest piece and told me he wasn’t going to continue. He said “I think you might be getting what we call the Tattoo Flu … you’re going into shock.”

Me being me, how did I respond? “Don’t be silly,” I said. “I’m fine! It’s all good!”
I told him that if I could go outside for a few minutes then I’ll be good to go again. But he refused, said it would be dangerous to keep going, and added that I was a sucker for punishment. I was pissed. (I think the fact that my body was reacting this way made me want to keep going even more. Not sure what exactly I was trying to prove ….)

I appreciated his looking out for me and it gained my respect, for being a good responsible artist. But that doesn’t mean I liked the decision!



It’s been 5 days and I’ve been feeling like shit. Leading up to this I wasn’t feeling the greatest to begin with. There’s been a lot of additional stress lately and I think it’s affecting my health a bit. I guess I’ve just been feeling a little burnt out. But still!! I did not expect this. I made sure I got some sleep the night before and I even had breakfast and some water before going to the appointment. But man, this stuff is real!!

So the tattoo flu is caused by an immune system response. When the skin is punctured by needles, the body reacts to the trauma and treats the ink like a foreign substance. So the immune system works to heal the skin and fight off the perceived threat. This response is what causes the flu-like symptoms as it tries to recover and protect itself.

I’ve had chills. Every part of my body has been aching. I’ve been nauseous and dizzy and even more exhausted than usual. Did I mention the swelling and bruising?! I’ve never had bruising from a tattoo before but it’s as if I’ve been beaten with a baseball bat this time!

The tattoo flu could last up to a week. Thankfully I am feeling a bit better today. Its usually only seen it in ppl getting really large pieces done in one sitting. I began showing signs after 30 minutes. Also, low blood sugar is common when the body is under stress, which is why the artist had a stash of lollipops. I didn’t know that a tattoo could cause uour blood sugar to drop!

I was given some great advice, which I will definitely take, to hopefully prevent the tattoo flu if (when) I get another one. It basically all comes down to self-care!

🦋 Have lots of carbs, sugar, and hydration in my system before a session. Drink a couple of bottles of Gatorade the day before (and during) the session.

🦋 Get a good night’s sleep the night before. And afterward, relax and be gentle with yourself because your body just went through a trauma.

🦋 Leading up to the session, don’t do anything super activating. Being calm at the beginning will help make the adrenaline rush and subsequent crash less intense. A lot of tension in the body before the tattooing process begins could actually cause an immune response to occur, that might otherwise not have happened had there not been so much stored stress.

Have Mercy

A Girl In A Complex World

You’re gonna need to help me out today, God.

If anyone in my life needs encouragement today, it can’t come from me because I am in need of the same thing. I just can’t blow sunshine up anyone’s ass today, Lord, so I ask that you send them whatever it is that they need, please.

If it is possible, can you also please remind me that millions of other human beings through history have lived through worse situations than me and still managed to make art, and find joy, and give hope and resist despair? Could you do that for me today?

In fact, send us all a little reminder that we can suffer and still be ok. May our faith be stronger than our fear.

And help us remember to drink some water. My body really needs some hydration.

In other words, have mercy on us.

Amen

We Will Make It Through December

A Girl In A Complex World

There have been many moments lately where I have hidden in my bathroom because life has become too heavy to bear. I wonder if I will ever get the chance to just be myself again. Everything has gotten so complicated lately.

The things that are necessary to be happy are currently not present. I am exhausted, in more ways than one. But I’m still getting up and crawling my way through each day.

Sometimes I squeeze my eyes shut and block everything out to remind myself that I’m human and to breathe. I am trying to teach myself that it’s ok to take a break.

It’s also ok to indulge yourself with whatever sliver of happiness you can find that will help strengthen and recharge you. Whether you make a cup of your favorite tea and sit by the Christmas tree as you drink it, go for a walk, or throw a ball around in the backyard with your dog. If it satisfies even the smallest part of you, it’s worth the effort.

December is a hard month for a lot of ppl. Myself included. Its going to be very easy to get swept up and completely lose ourselves over the next few weeks. So from one struggling human to another …

You can do this. WE can do this! Take a breath. Then another. Drink some water and get some sleep. Then do the next thing.  We will make it through December!

Be Gentle

A Girl In A Complex World

Another restless night, tossing and turning, yearning for relief from the pain that’s raging in both legs and head. The demon of pain strikes much harder when vulnerabilities are high.
Tired.
Emotionally drained.
Quesy from a day of unhealthy erratic eating.
Cold.

Be gentle …

The demon of self contempt emerges from the shadows, tempting me to engage in the game we so often play. He pounces on me. Stupid! Fat pig ... More derogatory comments about being fat and choosing a Dairy Queen ice cream over black coffee. WEAK.

My quivering voice whispers, “Be gentle …” in return.

Be gentle …

You precious soul. I see you. I feel your pain. Breathe through it. I am with you.

Demons become angry, cursing me for allowing the presence of gentleness. Get out, they growl. How dare you show up here NOW. You’re too late. The damage is done.

Grief comes out of the shadows. Too much has been lost, she weeps.

Anger bursts forth, with vengeance. DON’T you dare give in. Gentleness doesn’t belong here.

Be gentle …

Out of the shadow creeps memory. Thoughts of the nightmare start toppling over one another. My body shivers and shakes, building momentum by the second.

Be gentle …

Fire shoots at me from the demon of harm. New pain sears it’s way into the flesh of my upper thigh and I gasp, breath catching in my throat.

Be gentle…

You darling child. I see how much it hurts. Here, hold my hand. Give me that flaming dagger. Let it go.

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me.” (Psalm 23)

Heavenly Father sits beside me on the cold tile of the bathroom floor and together we watch the demons fade into the darkness at the sound of His voice.

Be gentle.

This Can’t Be All There Is

A Girl In A Complex World

I raise my hands and bow my head
Searching for truth in words written in red
They tell me that there’s more to life than just what I can see …

Well, I can’t quote the book, the chapter or the verse
But you can’t tell me it all ends with a slow ride in a hearse
You know I’m more and more convinced, the longer that I live
That this can’t be …

No, this can’t be all there is.

You Can Suffer And Still Have Faith

A Girl In A Complex World

You can have depression and still have a strong faith.

You can have anxiety and still have a strong faith.

You can be overwhelmed with what’s happening in your life and still have a strong faith.

You can be overcome with grief and still have a strong faith.

It’s important we don’t use faith to minimize someone else’s pain or life experience. Yes, there are thorns, but that doesn’t mean my faith is any less. Faith doesn’t cure things. It won’t take away suffering and make everything all better. But it does bring strength.

So when you see someone who is struggling, don’t assume their faith is weak. Some of my lowest moments have been when my faith has been its strongest.

Hope Strengthens, Fear Kills

A Girl In A Complex World

Those words were shared in an email response that I received from my psychologist last week. It had been a difficult session and afterwards, I spiraled. I emailed her in the midst of my upset and her brief reply ended with those words – Hope strengthens, fear kills.

Yes. I am scared. Terrified – of my own brain. I have no control whatsoever of the way it reacts to things anymore. Its like I’m dealing with a completely separate entity. I’m going about my day as if im babysitting some overly dramatic child that can’t be left alone for 2 minutes or else it’s going to get into something it’s not supposed to.

I got up after a nightmare that night and spiraled into the danger zone. I remembered that Magda (psychologist)  had pointed out a couple of wins from the previous week (which I really appreciated) and she said that what I was doing was helping me grow my window of tolerance. In my frustration that night, I was like,  “F* my window of tolerance. I’m not doing this”. 

I want to be numb. I want to go back to the days when I was void of all emotion. I used to be so frozen inside but it’s like I’m thawing out now. I don’t want my thoughts to be so loud or sounds to be so clear. When my head was heavy and foggy and I barely even remembered conversations I didn’t have to deal with any of this stuff. My brain dissociated for a reason.

I feel like I’m going crazy. The fear is strangling me. Choking me. Killing me …

I’m afraid of what’s going to happen to me. So much fear, that I’m going to just snap, go totally crazy, lose my sanity entirely.

Fear. Its trying to kill me. The fear of uncertainty. Not knowing from one minute to the next what I’m going to think or feel. The fear that I’m not strong enough … that I might find myself completely alone and have to navigate it all by myself – again … that I’m going to collapse under all the pressure … fear that I’m going to start but never be able to stop crying …

Fear kills.

*Video clip of me in the midst of a panic attack*

BUT ….

she also said that hope strengthens. Hope. I need strength. I need hope. I’m not going to find either if I just wait around for it to fall into my lap though. So I must make it my daily goal to seek out hope. I know it exists in more than just the ink on my wrist. I see it around me. I see that other ppl have it. Its just that it never feels like there’s any for me.

If you want something in this world you have to go after it right? Well, I want to be strong. I want hope to fill me and strengthen me.

And dammit, I deserve it!

God? I’m Scared.

A Girl In A Complex World

Me: God, I’m scared. I’m trying so hard not to be, but I am.

God: I know, my child. Do you want to talk about it?

Me: No, not really. Besides, you already know everything. Talking isn’t going to change it.

God: Let’s talk about it anyway. We’ve done this before.

Me: I know. I’m just so tired. I should be stronger than this. I can’t seem to get anything right.

God: *waiting patiently, never annoyed.*

Me: I’m just so tired. I’m never going to figure out how to live and manage all this. Its too much. I’m scared that I’m going to crack under all this pressure. My heart has never felt so broken before. I’m afraid that my attempts to recover are actually going to be what kills me. I’m afraid that I’m not strong enough to cope with it all. I’m afraid of the things I’m having to process in therapy. I’ve spent years acting as if my nightmares are just that – things in my imagination. I have tried so hard to make it all go away. Its what my whole life has revolved around. But all that energy put into avoiding has been for nothing because here I am, having to stare it straight in the face.

God: Anything else?

Me: EVERYTHING ELSE.

God: Remember the other day when the smoke alarm was beeping in the kitchen and Buddy came running across the house?

Me: Yes.

God: When you heard him running, you started calling out to him before he even got to you … remember? Do you remember what you called out to him?

Me: I said, “You’re okay! You’re okay! Mommy’s right here.”

God: Why did you call out to him? Why didn’t you just wait until he got to you?

Me: Because I wanted him to know that I was here, and I heard him, and he didn’t have to be afraid because I was right here.

God: Exactly. I hear you, my child. I hear your thoughts racing like Buddy’s little puppy feet down the hallway. There’s another side to all of this and I’m already there. I’ve seen the end of it. And I want you to know that as you walk through all of this, you’re going to be okay. I haven’t turned my back on you. I’m right here. I always was and I always will be.

Me: *crying* Can you just wait here with me for a while until I calm down? Can you hold me and cover me in your peace before I go back to facing it all again?

God: There’s nothing I’d love more. ❤

You’re Going To Make It

A Girl In A Complex World
Me and Buddy, in the backyard

Sometimes I get out of bed in the morning with an incredible heaviness in my stomach and immediately I think to myself, I’m not going to make it. Today was one of those mornings.

But instead of letting it permeate, I tipped my head back and glanced toward the sky.  Remembering all the other mornings I’ve felt this way I smiled. I made it through all of those days.

And I will make it through this one too.

My Own Worst Enemy

A Girl In A Complex World
Me and Zoey

After spending the last month in hospital on a psych unit, I’m in my own home tonight. I thought often of writing about my experiences while I was there but each time I would just stare at the blank screen and think things like …

Who really wants to hear about a hospital, much less a psyc unit full of crazy ppl?

What if I’m oversharing?

What if ppl start to look at me as a crazy person now?

Someone who knows me in real life might recognize me and then everyone in town will know things about me and will never look at me the same way again.

You get the idea. So I have not written anything in a month. I’ve kept myself locked up and silenced because of shame.
Well, you know what? Screw everybody! I don’t care what ppl think!

Me and Buddy

Sorry, that’s not very nice of me. I don’t mean that. I really do care what ppl think. I care too much. That’s the problem.

I need to be a little selfish and think of myself sometimes. Particularly about writing. I love to write but I’m so focused on other ppl and what they think that it prevents me from genuinely expressing myself, both in real life and online. I want to work on changing that. I want to write from my heart. I want to be genuine and honest and tell things the way I want to tell them, without shame.

I just want to relax a bit and be myself. I want to let go of the shame and judgment. I truly am my own worst enemy.

Me and David

How I Ended Up In The Psyc Ward

A Girl In A Complex World

It all started when I went for my regular Ketamine infusion, which is part of my treatment for Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.

Felicia, the head nurse, asked if I was doing ok. She said I wasn’t looking like myself and that I was pale. I said I was good and that was all that was said. 



I remember lying back on the stretcher while they prepped me, putting heart monitoring stickers on my chest, attaching a BP cuff to my arm, oxygen in my nose … I was shivering and could feel tears running down from the corners of my eyes but i had no emotions. It was strange because that doesn’t usually happen. They took my hand to start an IV and I heard a faint voice in my head whispering – don’t touch me.

I remember turning my head to the side and just letting myself drift away. Don’t have any more memories about the treatment than that.

Once the infusion was done they wanted to talk to David. Felicia asked him how I’ve been doing lately. David later told me that he told her I’ve been purging a lot, that I’ve been quite depressed and that he’s been worried. Apparently she told him that I’m not looking well. That I was pale, my eyes were dark, and my lips were almost grey.

I was awake, my eyes were open, but I was non-responsive. My neck and head were spasming and I was staring off with no reaction when someone spoke or touched me. So they decided to keep me an extra hour to give me more fluids and more time to let the meds wear off. David asked if they felt I had taken anything and she said no because my vitals were all good. But they did bloodwork just to be sure. 

An hour later Felicia called David back in and told him that he needs to take me to the ER. Apparently I had been mumbling some things that no one could really pick out but Felicia had heard me say something about this being the end and it was almost time to die …. I don’t remember any of that. I’m just telling what I was told. 

So they put me in a wheelchair and David registered me in the ER, where I sat/slumped for 9 hours. David said I kept falling to the side as if I couldn’t hold myself up. He had to ask for a pillow and blanket to put around me to secure me a bit. He said I was in a completely different world.

Then they called us in to a small room that had nothing but 2 chairs bolted to the floor. And that’s where I spent the next 26 hours. It was nothing short of brutal.

Tears are burning my eyes now as I write that. I think it’s cruel how this was handled. They took me from the OR after having a procedure done and forced me to sit up on hard seats for a total of 36 hours. I was hallucinating. I was in terrible pain and developed a migraine. Had multiple bouts of vomiting. And I started experiencing opiate withdrawal because after I took my meds Thursday morning, I wasn’t given anything until Friday night. By that time I had missed 6 doses of morphine. It was torture.

David had to leave at one point. We had taken our dogs with us that morning. So David spent the entire day going from me in the hospital to the dogs in the car. He’d switch every hour. Take them for a walk, a drink, get them a snack then settle them in the car again before coming back in with me. But they couldn’t do that all night. So around 10pm he spoke to the staff. They assured him that I would be in safe hands and would be looked after so he left to go home with the dogs. Just before he left, he brought me in Zoey’s blanket from the car because he’d been asking for a blanket for me for 2 hrs with no luck. So I just kinda dozed off, sitting up in the chair, with Zoey’s blanket over me.

At one point I started to be more alert and I was really confused. I needed to use the bathroom but there wasn’t one so I left the room and just wandered around a bit. I went to the nurse’s station and asked if there was a bathroom and he said down the hall on the right. I roamed the hospital for a while. Took the elevator a few times, and eventually made my way back to that room. I called David, upset, wanting to know what was going on. When he realized that I was still there in that room – alone, he drove back to Grand Falls again at 4am. In the meantime, while hyperventilating and being trapped in that space with the chairs bolted to the floor, I clawed/scratched/cut my neck. 

David came, and he channeled his anger into fighting for me. He took me outside for some air then went and found a vending machine and got me a sandwich and water. I hadn’t had anything since 7am the previous day. Thankfully there was one nurse there on Friday that had a bit of respect and showed some compassion. She even gave me a little bit of her on personal toothpaste so I could brush my teeth. No one gave me a breakfast tray but she made sure there was one for me by lunch time. And she also contacted the necessary ppl to get my meds ordered. 

Then my psychiatrist came. It was still another long painful day sitting in that chair but by Friday evening I was admitted to the psyc unit.



And I’m still here. I am much more stable than I was over 2 weeks ago but still have a ways to go. Have no idea what is going to come out of this.