These pictures speak for themselves. I captured most of these from my own backyard. The others were all taken within a one hour distance from my house. They show just a small fraction of the things I love about where I live. I am a proud, born and raised Newfoundlander. You don’t have to originate from here though to fall in love with one of the most loved Canadian provinces. Maclean’s magazine even thinks Newfoundland and Labrador has one of the Top 10 Friendliest Cultures in the World! I think that’s pretty cool 🙂
Things have gotten bad. I don’t know exactly what brought it on but it seems as though I’ve slipped into some sort of depressive episode or something. What I’m experiencing is far more than just a bad day. I’ve had a few severe episodes of depression over the years, and they’ve occurred during winter months. But this … this is different. This was not brought on because of anything situational. There have been no life changes. It’s definitely not a seasonal thing. In fact, this is the time of year where I usually do best. Being able to be outside is something I thrive on.
Yet here I am, struggling just to keep breathing. The sadness and hopelessness I feel is profound. Intrusive thoughts are making it difficult to stay centered. Thoughts that are making me feel like I am going crazy. Thoughts that are trying to convince me of the worthlessness of my presence in this world. Thoughts that are so loud that sometimes it’s as if someone outside of me is speaking them out loud and they are audible.
I seem to have lost every bit of motivation for everything. My garden is dry and some of my veggies are dying, because it takes too much energy to go water them. My garden has been my pride and joy yet it’s starting to die because something in me has deemed it all to be pointless and a waste of time. My artwork, which has been a great hobby of mine, sits untouched in a storage tub. I’ve had to put it out of sight because the urge to burn it all has been so intense. I’ve spent a lot of money in recent months on various kinds of paints, brushes, canvas, alcohol markers, regular markers, mixed media paper, sketch pads, etc and I fear that I may destroy it all. I don’t want to, but the sick part of my brain seems to want to destroy everything that means anything to me.
The simple everyday tasks of eating, drinking, showering, brushing my hair, and so on are all-consuming. I am someone who likes routine and I am very particular about my appearance. I don’t go to bed without a shower and the first thing I do in the morning is my hair and makeup. It’s part of my normal routine and takes very little thought. Yet I’ve gone 3 days now without any of it. I’m wearing the same pair of jeans and tshirt, very unlike me. Being clean is something I tend to be obsessive about but it takes more effort than I can give.
I’m at a loss as to what to do to help myself right now. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what is happening. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
Mental illness is so isolating. Your entire life becomes consumed with the illness, with treatment and survival. I find it so hard to be separated from other people and their joy in living. It is like a dark cloud hanging over my head all the time and I don’t want to infect anyone else with it, so I stay away .
I love seeing people happy and enjoying life but it’s like I live on an entirely different planet sometimes. Social media has become bittersweet. It provides me with a much-needed connection to other human beings, but it is also a harsh reminder of all the things I can’t do.
Being intentional about gratitude helps. It takes work. And like anything, it takes practice. The last thing you’re going to want to do when you see pictures of your peers having fun on a family vacation is to stop and be grateful. Especially when you feel like your own life is just a pile of ashes.
But I have to. I have to cling to whatever I can to be grateful for. Its mind over matter sometimes.
Identifying how I’m feeling has always been difficult for me. Although I must admit, I have come a long way in that area in recent years. In the past if you had asked me at any given point how I was feeling I wouldn’t have been able to answer you. I lacked not only the vocabulary necessary to describe the feelings but also the introspection. I had no concept whatsoever of emotions, what they were, or how they felt. I also had no idea that emotions also come with bodily sensations and could actually be felt in the body.
I have a much better understanding these days of feelings, though it’s not something that comes naturally. My first response to how I’m feeling is still the usual “I don’t know”, but I am learning how to pause and go inward. I take a moment to investigate and I can usually come up with something that somewhat describes my current emotional state.
Something else I also struggle with is identifying emotions and facial expressions in other people. I misinterpret a lot and it has led to many misunderstandings. I get insecure about not being able to pick up on emotions in other people so I observe, and I use what I see to figure out what the other person is feeling. The problem with that is that more often than not, I’m wrong. That slight shift in a facial expression does not always mean what I think it does. A raised eyebrow may make me think that the other person disapproves of something I said but that might not be the case at all. The other person may in fact be impressed, surprised, or even intrigued by what I had said.
For a long time I didn’t even know I struggled with emotions. I just thought I didn’t have very many. I’m almost always “OK” if you were to ask. It seems like that’s all I ever knew how to be. I couldn’t identify sadness, joy, excitement, contentment, and certainly not anger. I’ve spent my life so detached from myself that I had no idea these things even existed in me. Growing up I experienced a lot of unwanted emotions and as I got older they seemed to have just flattened out. I stopped feeling the varying intensities and the window of what I could actually feel grew extremely small.
So here I am, at the age of 42, realizing that I don’t know what it actually means to feel a certain way. And I have a very low tolerance for anything that takes me away from “OK”. Sitting with a feeling is a fairly new concept in my world and it’s turning out to be one of the most excruciating things I’ve ever experienced. My system jumps into high alert whenever I sense any sort of emotion inside of me. Whether my heart rate begins to speed up from excitement, fear, anticipation, lust, pain, joy, or whatever else may come up, my brain reacts in a way that propels me towards behaviors that shut it all down. I am working on this though.
A few weeks ago my therapist used the word alexithymia to describe one’s inability to identify and describe emotions. It is a word I had never heard before. I had no idea that my difficulties with emotions were something that other people out there experience as well. I thought it was just another thing I was bad at. One more thing on my never-ending list of character flaws. Something else that other people do with zero effort but requires so much work on my part. Another complexity. Another failure. Another fault.
But I’m beginning to realize that’s not the case at all! Alexithymia is a real thing that is not a character flaw! It’s not because I’m too stupid to understand emotions. It’s not because I’m an air-head, or that I’m dumb, or careless. It’s not because I’m a cold-blooded person who has no heart. It’s something that’s actually more common than I realized. So much so that it has warranted a label of its own.
So I just want to say that if you’re reading this and you find yourself relating to my experience in any way, I encourage you to do a little reading about alexithymia. It might very well help you understand why you feel (or don’t feel) the way that you do. There are a few websites in particular that I found really great at explaining it. I don’t usually post outside links here but if you are interested, feel free to ask and I will gladly share. It could open up a door to a completely new way of seeing things! Please be gentle with yourselves today. You all deserve it!
A life lesson that I’ve learned much too late is that avoidance creates a lot more suffering than what would occur if I had faced the issue at the beginning. It is making me sick.
Experiencing a great deal of pain today.
Avoiding those wounds, the trauma, the lies, or even the belief systems inside of us can lead to physical, psychological, emotional, and/or spiritual damage.
There’s a spectrum, of course.
Avoidance might look like constantly being glued to your phone, or binge-watching shows because it provides you an escape.
Or avoidance might have turned into full blown addiction that started all because you needed something to numb the pain inside.
It might be that you are distracted enough to ignore what’s trying to grab your attention inside of you.
It all makes sense. I know the pain some of us feel is so intense, we’re afraid that if we feel it, it could swallow us whole and we’d never be able to breathe again.
Unfortunately, the avoiding behaviors can end up being more destructive and painful than the actual wound itself.
So we avoid. And then we avoid some more.
If anyone reads this, I don’t know what you are avoiding, or what you are shoving deep down, but I bet if you stopped for a minute to notice it, you would know right away what it is.
I don’t know what you need. Maybe you need to go to a professional to work through it. Maybe you need to pray about it or say it out loud to a trusted friend.
Maybe you can start by simply admitting to yourself that it’s there … and start to imagine the time, energy, and space you’d get back if you didn’t need to spend it on avoidance.
If there’s something in you that says, “it was too long ago – I should be over it”, or “I could never say that out loud”, or “Acknowledging what’s inside isn’t going to help me”, please consider that these thoughts are coming from a part of you who wants, desperately, for you to never think about these things. In the darkness is where it will spread and grow and continue to wreak havoc.
Avoidance will never lead us to freedom. But acknowledging our pain will. May all that’s hidden come to light so that we can just be well, and experience life in a way that we no longer need to avoid, but can actually experience.
I read this analogy and it certainly hit home for me.
So, you’re holding a cup of coffee and someone accidentally bumps into you, causing it to spill everywhere. Why did you spill the coffee?
“Because someone bumped into me.”
Wrong answer.
You spilled the coffee because there was coffee in your cup. If there had been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea. Whatever is inside the cup is what will spill out.
So, when life shakes you up, whatever is inside you will come out. It’s easy to pretend everything’s fine until you’re shook.
So, we need to ask ourselves, “What’s in my cup?”
When life gets tough, what spills over? Joy? Gratitude? Peace? Humility? Anger? Bitterness? Avoidance? A tendency to quit?
I have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome and I don’t look sick. But every day my body is in varying degrees of pain.
In 2010 I was in a pretty devastating car crash. It turned my life upside down – literally. Among other injuries, I had my back fractured and I lost my left arm. But it was the damage from the frostbite on my feet that eventually led to a diagnosis of CRPS several years following the accident. Since developing this chronic illness, pain is something I’ve come to know on a very intimate level.
Complex regional pain syndrome – CRPS – is one of the most painful conditions known, registering a staggering 42 out of 50 on the McGill pain scale. That is worse than the pain of the amputation of a finger or toe with no anesthetic, which registers as 40 out of 50, and it is said to be worse than childbirth.
The most excruciating part is that the pain is long-term, most likely a lifelong thing. CRPS is known as the world’s most painful incurable condition. In the United States, it is referred to as the “suicide disease” because so many people resort to suicide as the only means to escape it.
Another difficult part is that CRPS is not a well-known disease. I have encountered medical professionals who don’t know what it is and I have had to explain my diagnosis to them. They often have a hard time believing the pain is as severe as I describe it. They don’t believe me that it feels like there is barbed wire wrapped around my legs. But you seem to be walking ok, they said. Or, you look like you are doing well. I can’t tell you how frustrating that part is.
So I stopped describing what my pain truly felt like to me. I don’t say that it feels like there are a hundred ice picks stuck into my spine. Instead, I just say my back burns. It seems to be more accepted that way. Which I have to admit, feels quite invalidating. In my experience, the more graphic (and accurate) the description of my pain is, the less likely I am to receive adequate treatment. So I often dial back my pain complaints. It tends to make friends and family question it’s validity becauseI look great!
So I repeat it again – you cannot judge an illness by how a person looks.
When you ride a bike, the only way to keep moving is to maintain balance. Right now, my balance has been lost. (Did I ever even have it to begin with?) I’m tired of running and always searching for an escape from my thoughts. Escaping seems to be the only way I can make things any better …
The familiar cloud of depression has enveloped me once again in recent days. This is how it usually goes. I feel decent, even hopeful, for a while, and something happens to trip me up and I fall flat on my face. I don’t just feel sad. I feel like I am dying inside. It’s like a cancer has begun to consume my brain, each thought bringing more and more destruction with it …
This morning, both mind and body feel pretty close to reaching the limit of what it can tolerate. It feels like my world is running out of oxygen. Desperation is setting in ….
In my attempts to incorporate more things into my life that bring me joy, I picked some lilacs from the tree in my backyard and brought them inside. They sit beautifully on my kitchen window ledge. A little dose of nature’s perfume.
We all have thoughts fluttering around in our minds, whispering the most absurd and brilliant things a human brain could be capable of. But when your mind is sick, the whispers become screams. They are noise that draws our attention away from reality. This noise leads to despair.
Often I found myself wanting to let go and yell back at the things inside my head. It seems as if its the only thing I can do –
We have 2 bird houses on our property that have a family of barn swallows living in them. The babies have hatched in one house and the others will be any day now.
These are such interesting creatures. Both parents care for the young and are always within sight. I often sit on my patio and watch them coming and going, listening to their beautiful songs.
This evening I had the urge to talk to this one particular bird that was sitting on the wire above me and lo and behold, he/she responded! I continued making this noise with my lips and the next thing I knew, the bird from the other house joined in! You can see the second bird on the wire in the distance.
I took this video because no one would believe me if I told them I could talk to the birds! Here’s proof!
I was buried under a pile of blankets Counting my breaths Attempting to drown out all the noise Trying to slow down my racing thoughts Praying to hold on Fighting the darkness Willing myself to get up Practicing positive self-talk Bargaining with the universe Begging the pain to just Stop.
My head feels unnaturally heavy. It takes effort to just hold my head up straight. Letting it rest against the back of my chair while I rock brings relief. I feel like I’m stuck inside a cloud of thick fog. Going to different rooms in my house, walking on the beach, out in my garden, even to the shower, it follows me.
Things sound different. Far away. I often need David to repeat himself because I didn’t hear what he said. Music doesn’t sound right unless I’m wearing my earbuds, which I’ve been doing a lot of. Having the loud music playing directly in my ears helps drown out the constant dialog.
The level of pain in my body this evening cannot be described. I just don’t have the words. I feel as if all I can do is sit here and keep reminding myself to breathe.
Last weekend when I was with our Goddaughter I received a lesson in blowing bubbles …
Specifically with Double Bubble gum. She was showing how she could make big bubbles and she offered me a piece, challenging me to see if I could blow a bubble as big as hers.
At first I said no, that’s ok … you keep your gum for yourself …
I mean, how do you explain to a child that you haven’t had a piece of gum in your mouth in years because you don’t like having something in your mouth that’s not necessary? I wasn’t sure if I even knew how to blow a bubble.
She offered several times and finally I said ok, and took the gum she was offering. Well. I was pleasantly surprised by the experience and I learned that I am better at blowing bubbles than I realized!
Since that, I’ve been finding myself wanting a piece of gum. Something I’ve never had a desire for before. So I went searching for Double Bubble gum and I found some at a local gas station. Felt like I won the lottery! For the past 2 days I’ve been going around blowing bubbles and cracking gum as if there was no tomorrow.
And I’ve discovered it’s quite satisfying to be making so much noise! I’m a pretty quiet person, quite skilled in being silent in fact. But I must say, I’ve rather enjoyed making my presence known these last 2 days. Now off I go to brush my teeth again.
Yesterday evening was rough. Anxiety had been raging through my body all day and my mood was all over the place. I was pretty discouraged. But it was a beautiful evening and I had been out in the garden. My pain level was quite high and I was close to tears. I sat back in my chair on the patio and I was looking up at the sky. Talking to God, I was telling Him how I could really use a dose of encouragement.
There was a notification on my phone and it was a pastor friend of mine. We began chatting and I shared a bit of what was going on. In between texts I was resting my head against the back of the chair, looking up at the sky. I noticed a long white jet trail stretching out above me. And when I looked closer I saw another trail beginning. I watched the jet make it’s way across the sky, soaking up the beauty of the evening sunset.
I’ve seen many jets in my lifetime, flying high in the sky, but what I witnessed yesterday was like a personal sign from God. The thought came to me … beauty still remains, you just need to look closer. It moved me to tears. The colors of the sky at that precise moment along with the fresh jet streams running above me were such a sight to behold.
I was reminded, in more ways than one, that I am not alone even though it felt that way yesterday evening. I was reminded that in the midst of struggle, beauty remains. Between the words coming to me from Linda and the view stretching across the sky above me, I was encouraged. Which is what I asked for.
Personally, I think the path to happiness is paved with appreciation for the simple pleasures in our lives. Making this list today reminded me that I am surrounded by a beautiful tapestry of joy. I’m so often blinded by so much darkness around me that I tend to forget that beauty still exists. From the warmth of sunlight to the gentle nudges from my dogs, each thing adds a unique hue to the blend of beauty that resonates within me.
It’s there. Joy does exist. I know there is more to me and my life than darkness, mental illness, pain, and suffering. During a hospitalization, a very rude psychiatrist once told me that I am ‘leaving behind a terrible legacy’. Those were his words. And that has stayed with me. Not exactly the kindest thing to say to a suicidal individual. But, I digress.
During a session with my therapist on Tuesday, she said something along the lines of there being more to me than just being a complex case. So often I’ve been labeled as difficult … unique … challenging … complicated … and my favorite – complex. More often than not it’s all doom and gloom, jumping from one crisis to the next, with me. Ppl don’t think of beauty … or courage … or strength … or determination … and certainly not joy or happiness … when they think of me. So in a way, I guess that psychiatrist was right after all. If I died today, the legacy I leave will not be a joyful one.
So I decided to take some time to reflect on what brings me joy on a personal level. The following list is what I came up with and it has really opened my eyes to be able to see that beauty does exist in my life. My struggles are what others see. And more often than not, it’s what I see too. So if you are anything like me, I challenge you to take a few moments to intentionally think of the things that bring you joy.
But don’t be discouraged. It has actually taken me a few days to write this post because happy things don’t naturally come to mind for me. But if you be patient and intentional I think you will be pleasantly surprised by what you come up with. And please, feel free to leave a comment below and share, even just one thing, that brings joy to your life. Let’s shift the conversation for a moment and flood my blog with beautiful things! We could all use some of that today. 🦋
My relationship with God. I list this first and foremost because other things would not be possible without it. It’s not only a source of joy, it’s my everything. My life revolves around my faith. It’s where my hope, my comfort, and my strength radiate from.
The warmth of sun on my face.
Hearing ppl laughing out loud, especially kids. It’s infectious. When was the last time you heard someone laughing and you didn’t smile in return?
The smell of homemade bread. It reminds me of my Nan.
The way words and harmonies go together to create music. Everything about music brings me joy.
Nature. Anything and everything about nature brings me joy. Especially the awe-inspiring sight of sunrises and sunsets. Each time it’s like watching the Master Artist paint a new picture just for me because at my unique location and position I’m the only one with that particular view.
The talents that some people possess just blows my mind. Witnessing creative expression, whether it be through a song, video, dance, writing, painting, etc That brings me joy.
Being able to perform a random act of kindness. I love paying for the next person’s coffee order in Tim’s drive thru.
The love and affection I receive from my 2 dogs.
Being productive. The sense of achievement I get when I check something off my to-do list.
Dancing. Losing myself in the rhythm and movement of music. Actually feeling the music in my body.
Rainy days. The calming sound of heavy rain on the window. Not the misty, dreary kind of rain. But rather the kind that just pours from the heavens.
Discovering new books. Finding a work of literary art that leaves me wanting more after the last word is read (or heard, as most of my books are in audiobook format these days).
Random encounters. Striking up conversations with strangers that leave lasting impressions.
Hugs. Embracing (and being embraced) by another person and feeling their warmth. I’m not a touchy-feely kind of person but a genuine hug from someone I trust is something I actually crave sometimes and it brings me joy.
Scented candles. I love the soothing ambiance of the flickering flame and the fragrances they give off.
Watching the stars. It’s so enchanting.
Learning something new. Especially when it turns into a hobby. I learned about Neurographic art through a random tiktok video and it has since turned into a wonderful hobby and it brings me so much joy.
Acts of generosity. I love the feeling that comes with helping others.
Animals. No explanation is necessary because everything about animals (especially dogs) brings me joy!
It is in cherishing these things that I find joy and contentment in the midst of the challenges in my life. It is through gratitude that I unlock the doors to genuine happiness, and each day becomes an opportunity to celebrate the blessings that bring light and joy into my life. Fostering an attitude of gratitude is what allows me to savor these moments.
A recent comment left on a previous post has had me thinking about my emotions.
It needs to come out sometimes. It’s just that I have such a hard time expressing strong emotions. Well, pretty much ANY emotion really, no matter its strength. ESPECIALLY in the presence of another person. I’m so afraid of making the other person uncomfortable that when strong emotions start to surface it’s like I start to just shut down.
But occasionally, like what happened during the recent Ketamine infusion part of my pain treatment, it’s like the emotion just erupts from depths I never knew existed inside of me. Most often it’s a sense of soul-crushing grief.
I envy ppl who are emotional. Actually, it’s the expression of emotions that I envy. Because I have all the same emotions. I just have trouble expressing them. I have an amazing poker face it seems. An impassive expression on my face could easily be what gut-wrenching pain looks like on me that day.
Her Complex Musings 
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