Its been such a beautiful day for a road trip! We are in Bay Roberts for the night to attend our Goddaughter’s first communion tomorrow morning.
June 8th, 2024
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The weather was beautiful. We took our time. No rushing necessary today. We set up the backseat of our car so that the dogs would have a comfy trip. Their dog bed covers the entire back seat perfectly so whenever we are going to be in the car for a while we bring it along.
There was nothing out of the ordinary about this trip. But Buddy’s anxiety was through the roof the entire 5 hours we were on the road. We made a stop pretty much every hour to let them get out and have a short walk and a drink. Zoey was great. Not much of a sound out of her all day but Buddy trembled for more than half of the trip and spent most of it in my arms. I’ve never seen him upset Ike that because he loves being in the car.
Buddy, trying to make his way into the front seat
Overall it’s been a good day. The sun has been food for my soul and the colors of this evening’s sky were sheer perfection. These are the kind of days that give me strength to want to wake up again tomorrow.
I had my Ketamine infusion on Thursday This time was harder than the others have been over the past few months. Maybe because I was dehydrated …? I don’t know. But … I honestly did not think I was that dehydrated though. It never even crossed my mind when I went in there. I could tell that one of the regular nurses started to get frustrated. She said my veins were even smaller than they usually are. It took her quite a while to locate one that she would even attempt to put an iv into. She started sweating and I felt soooo bad. I wish I could have just pointed to a spot anywhere on my body and said, there’s a vein! But there were literally no visible veins to be found.
So then came the manual search. She was gentle, like she usually is, but even just running a finger over my skin and some light tapping hurt. I felt as if I was covered in bruises. Except I wasn’t. I was just cold. After her 3rd failed attempt she called over another nurse who started with my hand, then worked her way up my arm, poking and patting and rubbing to try and get a vein to swell up enough for an iv needle to thread into. She said something about my arm being cold and commented on the fact that I appeared to be quite dehydrated. Something about the elasticity of my skin. I can’t remember exactly what it was that she said.
By this point the shivering had started. The first nurse took my socks off and started rubbing the top of my foot while the other one made several attempts at what she thought were strong veins. I had been fighting with every bit of strength I had to hold back tears but after another failed attempt at yet another promising vein – in my foot this time – a sob came out of my mouth. It actually took me off guard because I was not expecting it. I thought that the imaginary valve in the back of my throat was secure in the closed-off position but the force behind that sob blew right through it.
Somewhere along the line a 3rd nurse had come over and was rubbing my other foot. I didn’t remember her coming. It’s like she just appeared. She rubbed my leg and said, I’m only going to try once and if I don’t get it we’ll have to call Jackie. Jackie is one of the anaesthesiologists in the hospital and has been called on more than one occasion to come and place an iv in me. She’s never had to poke me more than 2 times and more often than not she got it in on the first try.
So that’s what happened. They called Jackie. In the meantime the nurses tidied up around my bed and got me a clean, warm blanket. They had used the other one to catch blood that had ran down my arm. They said they were going to give me a little break and then left me alone for a few minutes. I turned over on my side and held the blanket against my mouth and nose. I didn’t want anyone to hear me cry.
I stared at the curtain and just started praying. God, I can’t handle this … It’s too much. It hurts … it hurts all over. It doesn’t usually hurt this much. I don’t want them to touch me anymore. God, please … this is torture … I can’t …….... I know you’re here. You’re always with me. You tell me you’ll never leave me and I can come to you anytime. Well, I’m here and I really need you to be here too right now. God, please … make it stop ...
Jackie pulled up a chair and sat at the foot of my bed after a brief look over my arm and not finding anything of interest. She started rubbing my foot with her hands, to try and warm them up, she said. She told me to try and relax and to take a few deep breaths. With that little bit of compassion from her, I felt a fresh stream of tears run down from the corners of my eyes. She told me that if I take a few deep breaths it will help the blood to flow better through my veins and that my blood needs oxygen to flow properly.
Every time I tried to inhale my breath kept catching in my throat, which in turn led to a small gasp to get it back. It took several attempts before I got a good breath in but it really helped. I had started to feel like I was floating away. After a few good breaths I started to feel the bed beneath me again and I could feel Jackie patting the top of my foot. She spoke and told me to, stay really still now. I instantly lost my breath again. I felt the needle pierce the top of my foot and she slowly went deeper. I heard the click of the release button, indicating the iv was threaded into the vein and could be released from the needle. It’s in, she said. You need to breathe ….
And that’s all I remember. That was around 11am on Thursday. The next clear moment was when I felt Zoey’s wet nose against my arm around 9am Friday morning. Ketamine has that effect on me. It tends to wipe my memory clean of almost everything for 12 – 24 hours following the infusion.
My head felt like it had been smashed against a wall when I lifted it off my pillow this morning. I did a quick body scan to see if there was pain anywhere else. Nope. All clear! The first 24 – 48 hours after my Ketamine infusions are the closest I get to being ‘pain-free’. Today offered little space to appreciate the low pain level though. It was a freaking emotional roller-coaster inside of me today. Tears began shortly after I got up. I was washing my face and noticed that one of my earrings had fallen out at some point. This big wave of sadness just swept right over me and tears started falling. Wasn’t expecting that!
A little while later I was laying back on the couch and David was sitting on the opposite end. We were watching an episode of Station 19 on TV together and there was an intimate scene between a husband and wife. More tears … and no words to explain.
And that’s how the day has been. Little random things causing waves of tears. I was outside planting some things my therapist gave me, and tears were flowing. I accidentally bumped my leg, more tears. David called out and asked me to come outside so he could show me something and I cried while I walked out across the garden. Then just before I got in the shower I sat on the bench in the bathroom and cried even more. Like seriously. There was no end to the tears. And it all felt like it came from a gut-wrenching sadness that had tremendous force behind it. It could not, would not, be stifled.
The day is over now. It is late, or early, depending on how you see 3am. I’m reluctant to go to bed, as I sometimes find being in a horizontal position also heightens my emotions. And I’m feeling pretty raw as it is. But we are going out of town tomorrow, for the night. On Sunday our God-daughter has her very first communion and we’d like to be there with her. My face is swollen. My eyes are bloodshot and puffy. And my mood is all over the place. But the very least I can do is attempt to get a few hours of rest. Even if that means just lying still, with my eyes closed, while my brain continues trailing off.
Stillness is not effortless for me. It takes work sometimes. Wellness takes effort and I’m trying my best to do what I have to do, even when I don’t want to. Do what you have to do to make it to see one more sunrise. 🌻
In my deepest, darkest moments, what really gets me through is a prayer. Sometimes my prayer is ‘Help me.’ Sometimes it’s a ‘Thank you.’ What I’ve discovered is that intimate connection and communication with my creator always gets me through because I know my support, my help, is just a prayer away.
Would you consider getting a sun burn as self harm?
Countless ppl get burnt by the sun every day, many of them on purpose. Ppl spend time in direct sunlight for the sole reason to burn their skin, correct? But they don’t get confronted about causing self harm …
This sparked a very heated conversation between David and me yesterday. He said he feels like what I did was self-harm (I intentionally got burnt).
Have you watched the clouds moving across the sky lately? I did this morning. Next time you are outside just pause for a minute and watch them. Notice how they don’t judge each other for the way they move? Each one moves along in its own way, at its own pace. Every one is on its own unique journey.
I caused a fire Friday evening. I was bbqing chicken and I came inside to get some bbq sauce. I noticed that one of my plants was drooping as I walked by. It needed to be transplanted to a bigger pot. So I went out back to see what I had. I picked one and then went to wash my hands. I figured I’d use the bathroom while I was there. When I walked out I saw David run past the kitchen window and then I saw it …
The entire BBQ was engulfed in flames and the cushion on the patio chair was burning. I froze. David ran past me and grabbed the fire extinguisher. He managed to contain the fire and we didn’t have to call 9-1-1. Thankfully! It would have been embarrassing to have the fire dept at the home of one of their firefighters, because of a careless mistake like that.
It shook me up quite a bit. The worst is how bad I feel about putting David through that. Mind you, he was amazing! He had been out in the backyard when he smelled the smoke and he acted. Whereas I froze. He knew exactly what to do and he did it without hesitation. And he didn’t freak out at all. He was panicky and out of breathe but he didn’t get mad at me in the slightest. Afterwards he hugged me and said ‘it’s ok, everyone is ok’.
But I feel extra bad because 3 days before this David was called to the scene of a house fire not far from our house. It was late at night and someone’s shed caught on fire. They were in bed. The fire spread to their house. The pager went off 8 times. 8 ppl called 9-1-1 about the fire. They lost everything. The men were at the scene for 8 hours, putting it out. One of their neighbors has smoke damage and the other house also caught fire but it was contained before they lost anything.
Since that night I’ve noticed David doing little things that tell me he was quite affected by it. I saw him checking the date on our fire extinguisher one evening. I noticed he checked the battery in our bedroom smoke detector when we were getting ready for bed. He also reminded me to unplug my hair straightener.
Then I go and almost catch our place on fire …..
I’ve often said that my being so easily distracted is going to cause an accident one of these days.
I wondered why the clocks didn’t stop On that day. My world stopped spinning When I walked into the bathroom and found you submerged in a bathtub full of bloody water. I wondered how the rest of the world could keep going Without you here. You took a piece of me with you On that day. But I forgive you. I’d forgive you a million times over if it would bring you back to me.
Heart palpitations Nausea Nightmares Pain at the slightest sensation on the surface of my skin Sweating Shivering Phantom arm pain Stomach cramping Itching Brain fog Deep muscle and joint pain Dizziness Ringing ears
That is an incomplete list of things I have been experiencing over the last 12 days,
AND
I’ve survived it all! I started back on my meds yesterday so I’m hoping some of this settles a bit.
Self love is not my friend. While reflecting on recent days though I can’t help but feel a slight glimmer of something deep in my heart. I survived! 2 very challenging weeks that were filled with mental, emotional and physical pain. Yet I’m here right now – alive, intact, and conscious.
Our medical system really let me down this time. Radical acceptance of this is a tough one. But I have pulled skills from toolboxes I didn’t even know I had. This past week especially required me to often use some sort of coping skill to get from one moment to the next. My mind has been in a very dark place.
My faith has been the top thing that has carried me through. I felt like I was reliving the rock-bottom days of my drug addiction and the first days of rehab. I truly thought I was dying then – a slow painful death. I know there is a big difference between cocaine addiction and my current meds for depression, anxiety, blood pressure, and a couple of other things. Completely different situations. But that’s what all of this has felt similar to.
Today is a better day. Nausea has subsided for now. Am about to leave my house for the first time in a while. I have an idea!! And I need 2 new bookshelves for it. My dogs are also low on food so have to stock up on that. I can’t forget to pick up some Gatorade or Pedialyte as well. I told my therapist yesterday that I would pick up some sort of electrolyte replacement drink to help with the dehydration I’m experiencing. So that’s that.
Buddy is outside, trying hard to patiently wait for me. He’s laying in the walkway, and every few minutes he barks once to tell me to hurry up. Probably should have waited before I told him we were going in the car.
If I die before my dogs, let them see my body. Let them understand death, for if they feel my death they can cry for me. If they don see me again they will think I abandoned them and will continue waiting for my return. If I die before my companion, let them say goodbye to me. Dogs are an endless friendship, loyal friends, a part of life AND a reason to exist! ❤️🐾
Sometimes it’s hard to breathe All these thoughts are shouting at me Trying to bring me to my knees And it’s overwhelming Darkness echoes all around Feels like everything is crashing down Still I know where my hope is found It’s in You.
You say You’re working everything for my good and I believe every word
‘Cause even in the madness, there is peace Drowning out the voices all around me Through all of this chaos You are writing a symphony
Tune my heart to Your beat Let me be Your melody Even when I cannot see. You orchestrate it Even when the darkness surrounds You’ll never let me drown I know that my hope is found In the name of Jesus.
And even in the madness, there is peace Drowning out the voices all around me Through all of this chaos You are writing a symphony.
I want to truly know if You compose beautiful music though From all my unruly notes. The distance is dissonance.
You erased the scales from my eyes Then played the scale of my life Chaos played out with chords in accord With the source prevailing through strife.
I’ve tasted suffering I’ve been embraced by the painful buffering I’ve been bound by doubts, so loud right now But a melody is made when you play these rusty keys. So we all gotta get pressed And tuned up like instruments I know life’s tempo is set So I must remember this …
That even in the madness, there is peace Drowning out the voices all around me Through all of this chaos you are writing a symphony
Ive dealt with disordered eating for as long as I can remember. It’s like it functions by a dimmer switch. It’s always there to some degree. Sometimes the switch is turned down and, while never really on friendly terms with food, sometimes it’s not all-consuming. Purging is random and not an everyday occurrence during those times. Thoughts are not centered on food all day.
Then the switch gets turned up. Something will be particularly activating and the behaviors become prominent again. l have a few days or weeks where food is at the forefront of my mind and restricting, binging, and purging is what everything revolves around day and night.
Then the dimmer switch will turn down and I can pull myself out of the cycle again.
This time it’s proving to be much harder to pull myself out of it. There was no gradual onset. And I can almost pinpoint the exact moment the alarms started going off in my head. It was when I was in the hospital a few weeks ago …
I was in the bed connected to the various tubes and machines, with no clothes on, just several blankets wrapped around me, bags of glucose and potassium running into my neck, fluids, and calcium flowing in through an IV in my foot, I had a catheter…
2 nurses were at my bedside with juice, cookies, and cheese telling me I had to eat it and they weren’t going to leave until they watched me finish it because after all, that food was my ‘medicine’ …
I was severely hypo-glycemic and it was imperative that they grasp every possible solution, and that included food with simple sugars.
Since that moment my mind has become preoccupied with every single bite of food I take. The monster in my head has woken up and is on a vicious rampage. I gained a few lbs in those 2 weeks b/c of everything I had to eat. And drink. So many calories were consumed through fluids alone!
3 days before I was discharged they took the catheter out and I could get out of bed then. The first thing I did was go and throw up. The tubes in my neck complicated things a bit because the pressure of vomiting kept causing the alarms on the IV pole to go off. But once I figured out what the different buttons were for I was able to turn off the alarms by myself.
So here I am, spiraling. I’m mentally and physically unwell because of the sudden lack of medication in my system. So vulnerabilities are running high. I feel raw, trying to claw my way out of this mess.
I spent a good part of Thursday, Friday, Monday and today trying to track down a copy of my hospital discharge summary from a few weeks ago. It was supposed to have been faxed to my pharmacy but it wasn’t and they refuse to release my meds to me until they have that document.
Needless to say I’m feeling pretty miserable. Withdrawing cold turkey from 6 medications at once is not fun. Not to mention the fact I’m not supposed to abruptly stop any of these meds without medical supervision.
Cold shivers. Pain. So much pain deep in my bones. And itchy. That part is strange. Its like my skin is crawling. And burning. Its like I’m covered in mosquito bites, except I’m not. I also haven’t slept much in over a week now so I’m also pretty tired. And the throwing up. (I don’t know if that’s fully med related though because I was vomiting before I ran out of meds on Thursday.)
Like seriously, how does an original medical document get mailed to someone then become unaccounted for?
We have this chair in our kitchen, that sits behind our table, in front of the window. We call it the dogs’ chair. It was put in that spot specifically for them. From the chair they can see the beach and watch the occasional person out for a walk. They see the front of the house. The patio. In order for someone to come to the door they have to walk past that window. They also have full view of our driveway.
They can watch the birds when they land on the railing. Soon I will put the bird feeder out, that attaches to the outside of the window. It’s one of my favorite things. To be on the inside and watching the various little birds eating from it is a true privilege
I was just going through and deleting pictures from my phone and came across these from last month. I walked into the kitchen and this is how they were sitting. I’m assuming Buddy had wanted to sit in the chair but Zoey was just too dang comfortable to move. So she didn’t. Guess Buddy got impatient with her and decided to sit there, no matter what.
I admire Zoey (yellow lab). She is a great, big sister. So much patience! Because I highly doubt that I’d just stay there if someone came and sat on me!
I slept for 10 HOURS last night – unmedicated! I crashed when I got home after being out of town for the day for both psychiatry and psychology appointments. I fell asleep almost immediately once my head touched the pillow. That itself is practically unheard of for me. Sleep does not come easily.
I didn’t hear David come home this morning, didn’t feel the dogs leave the bed when he did, and didn’t wake when the 3 of them came back to bed. I don’t like that AT ALL. But I can’t let myself focus on that because it will take me to a very dark place. I’m trying to befriend sleep, not create more ammunition against it.
I woke shortly after 11am, with David and the dogs asleep next to me, because my blood sugars had dropped and the alarm from the continuous glucose monitor in my arm was going off. I couldn’t believe it.
I sweep the shower curtain aside. A few water droplets fall from my hair before gliding down over my bare chest. My skin is bright red from the hot water. Steam rolls out through the window that was slightly ajar. It’s been a busy weekend, but it’s over now and we’re back home again.
It’s mid afternoon and David is in lying down, trying to catch a nap before he heads in to work tonight. Last night was a late one for us. Being the designated driver David spent the early hours of the morning taking ppl home. It was almost 4am when our heads finally touched the pillow. 5 hours later we were back in the car again. Thank God we are home. So while he rests, with the dogs curled up beside him, I go off to shower and calm myself down. In my own shower. In my own bathroom. In my own house. Safety.
The scalding water distracted me from the thoughts that had been swirling around in my mind. The tension that was trapped in my body that had been brought on by so much overstimulation, washed off me freely, mixed with the coconut body wash.
But the second I stepped out and my foot touched the towel that was on the floor, something didn’t feel right. The hair rose on the back of my neck. Goosebumps covered my arm and legs. The frantic beating of my heart became confused with memories of someone pounding on the door. Oh my god … there was someone else in the house.
Fear wound itself around me at the thought and circulated within my mind until it flooded my entire body with panic. I pulled the bath towel tighter around me in a lame attempt to suffocate the terror. Then, I reached for the doorknob and my hand lingered there. I couldn’t turn the knob, my mind was bombarded with images of who could be waiting for me on the other side of the door.
I pulled my hand away from the door, my lungs …too paralyzed to breathe. My shoulders trembled as I held back the cry that was threatening to escape from my throat. I forced my hand over my mouth to block it. Backing up, I felt the bench on the back of my legs and I let myself fall onto the seat. What the heck is wrong with me??!
I reached for my phone on the sink next to me. Placing my thumb on the screen it recognized my fingerprint and unlocked itself. I instantly searched for David’s name and opened up a new msg window. I knew he was asleep but assumed the sound of his phone receiving a new msg would stir him. ‘Are you awake?’
I stared at the screen, silently pleading for him to pick up his phone, a feeling of something dreadful happening consumed me. No response. I msged him again. ‘I’m really sorry for bothering you. I know you’re tired, my honey. But can you get up for a minute?’
Still no response. I thought of calling instead. The ring is louder than the new msg notifications. But that would mean I would also be required to speak. I couldn’t do that. My voice was currently non-existent.
A sob got stuck in my throat and my body trembled. I felt the sting of tears on my cheeks. Panic was pulsing through my veins. I thought to myself, “This is insane. There is nothing out there. There is no one out there! This is ridiculous. Why am I so scared??” I remembered that I needed to breathe. I have a tendency to hold my breath in moments like this and have been working on becoming more aware of it. I take in a small, shakey breath through my nose. “That was then … this is now. That was then … This is now.“
I repeated the familiar words to myself several times. I stood up from the bench I had been sitting on, and reached for the doorknob again. As my fingers touched it panic surged, threatening to drown out the mantra i had just been repeating to myself. Thatwasthen … this is now. Slowly I turned the knob and opened it ever so slightly. My chest burned from needing to exhale, but the grip of terror was strangling my throat.
I paused, waiting for that looming, dark figure to inch his way into the bathroom … but he didn’t. And suddenly I realized that it had happened again. My brain had forgotten where we were.
It’s 2024 … you’re in your own house … David is here … he’s asleep … you’re here in your own bathroom …
I turned on the tap and splashed cold water on my face. My lungs began to relax and I took a few shakey breaths. I grabbed my robe and pulled it close around my body, letting the towel fall to the floor. Feeling ashamed and broken I left the bathroom and went to our room. I quietly positioned myself on the bed next to David, sound asleep. A few silent tears fell before I cuddled in closer to his back. The warmth of his body against mine reminded me once again …
Her Complex Musings 
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