Its hard to talk sometimes. That’s above and beyond everything else, and it’s not a mental complaint – it’s a physical thing. Like it’s physically hard to open my mouth and make the words come out. They don’t come out smooth and in conjunction with my brain the way normal people’s words do. They come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser. I stumble over them as they gather behind my lower lip.
So instead, I just keep quiet.
Silenced … once again.
26. Can you whistle? Slightly. I can make a sound but that’s about it
27. Where were you born? Grand Falls, NL Canada
28. Any Surgeries? 2 (repair of shoulder following a traumatic arm amputation. And a knee repair)
29. Piercings? 6
30. Shower or bath? Shower
31. Last song you heard? Amazing Love
32. Broken bones? Cheek bones, nose, chin, 5 fractures along my spine, 2 toes
33. How many TV’s in your home? 2
34. Worse pain? Recovering from a car accident was brutal from a physical standpoint. But the worst pain I’ve ever felt was deep within my being. Mental illness was destroying my mind as well as my body and I was crying out to God to let me die. That is a pain unlike any other.
35. Do you like to sing? Yes
36. Are your parents still alive? Yes
37. Do you like to go camping? Love it!!
38. What do you binge watch? All the medical drama shows … 9-1-1/Grey’s Anatomy/The Good Doctor/New Amsterdam etc
39. Favorite Pie? Oooohh. That would definitely have to be cherry
40. Favorite time of day? Sunrise. The darkness is leaving and a new day is dawning
41. Chocolate or vanilla? Definitely vanilla
42. Have you ever been on a plane? Yes. I flew to Ontario to a rehab center then flew back home several months later, clean, sober, and alive!
43. What did you want to be when you grew up? A social worker
44. What is the best job you ever had? I absolutely loved working as an early childhood educator at a local daycare and preschool center
45. Favorite movie? Girl Interrupted
46. Christmas or Halloween? Christmas all the way!!
47. What color is your toothbrush? Purple
48. Bad habits? Skipping meals, not opening mail right away, ignoring the signals my body sends me
49. Last person you hugged? David (husband)
50. What is one thing you could talk about for hours? My dogs!
One of the pitfalls of healing childhood trauma, in my opinion, is awareness.
Let me explain.
When you are at a point in your life where your history of trauma is affecting you on a daily basis you decide to enter some sort of journey towards healing. This may take on many different forms. It may involve finding a trauma specialist and entering some hard core trauma therapy. You may start seeing a therapist for some general therapy to help you figure things out. Or maybe you dive into it from a self help perspective. Whatever you choose, you just know that your past trauma is wreaking havoc on your present life.
So you’re on a new journey. You have information at your fingertips. So you do a deep dive into whatever you can get your hands on. If it relates to trauma then you are interested. Maybe you will find the very thing that will fix all your problems. So you read websites and books and articles. You watch YouTube videos and listen to podcasts. You want all the information that you can find.
In your search for answers you have several breakthrough moments where you realize why things are the way they are in your own life. You learn things. You fill your mind with all kinds of professional jargon. You read all about trauma recovery and the various steps it involves.
Ta da! You’re all fixed! You know all there is to know. You’ve taught yourself all about it. You’ve had your ah-ha moments and you have it all figured out!
There’s the pitfall. You consider your new knowledge and awareness to be exactly what you needed. Sound anything like you?
Yeah, me too.
Unfortunately awareness doesn’t change anything about your actual situation. You may now know why things are the way they are. You may understand more about your diagnosis of cPTSD. You may even think you don’t need therapy after all. You’ve figured it out!
Except, your life continues to unravel and you feel more lost now than you ever were before. Its because you’ve mistakenly thought that awareness was the answer. I did too.
Healing requires so much more than education and awareness. It requires action. Change.
A single moment where colors hit the right places at the right time and I happened to be there to appreciate that moment. When you are practicing mindfulness, learning how to be present and in the moment, it’s rather amazing the things that you may notice. There’s a world full of incredible beauty beyond our awareness that’s just waiting to be embraced. Being mindful allows us to tap into hidden reservoirs of splendor and delight that are available any time – just look closely.
1. Do you put ketchup on hotdog? Not a fan of either
2. Choice of pop? Sprite Zero
3. Do you put salt on watermelon? What?! Ppl actually do that?? Gross!!
4. Can you swim? No. Never learned as a child. Too afraid of losing my breath.
5. How do you eat your steak? Well done
6. Favorite food? Soups
7. Do you believe in ghosts? The Holy ghost and evil spirits
8. What do you drink in the morning? Cranberry juice and water (half and half)
9. Can you do 100 push ups? Hahaha!!!! Yeah right.
10. Summer, Winter, Spring, Fall? Fall. Gotta love hoodie weather
11. Favourite animal? Dogs! Guinea pigs are a close second
12. Tattoos? 5 (so far)
13. Do you wear glasses? yes but not all the time
14. Do you have any fears in this crazy world? Yeah, more than I’d like to admit
15. Do you have a nickname? Angel
16. Favorite Candy? Gummy bears are the best. Duh. But there’s no candy in existence that I would not try. Especially if they’re sour.
17. Favorite smell? Salt water air
18. Rain or Snow? Snow. The dogs like it better and it’s not as messy
19. Can you change a tire? No. I don’t drive.
20. Favorite flower? I very much prefer house plants
21. Can you drive a stick? Nope
22. Kids? Two (they have 4 legs and lots of fur)
24. Favorite colour? Black or pink
25. Food you refuse to eat? Rabbit meat, seal meat, anything spicy
Some days I spend too much time at the computer. Someone’s social media status says they’ve done this or that, or been invited to this, or they’re going to that …
While my world just closes in around me, just a little bit more. It starts suffocating me just a little more, enough to have the air become thicker, making it harder for the oxygen to reach my lungs.
My world has grown incredibly small in the past few years. Much of my socializing takes place from this side of the computer screen.
That’s when I stop, go to the window, and look outside. I see the sun. I open the window and feel the cold wind. I listen to it blowing in across the frozen bay. I remember that everything is so much bigger than me. Life is about so much more than me.
And that’s when I hear it …….
“I delight in you”, the voice whispers. “I celebrate your existence. I see you, and I rejoice, because everything I make is good, and my Son has set you free. So live, My daughter!”
This is my father’s world. And He is here, telling me He’s got a plan for my life that I can’t imagine and He’s got stars which He knows all by name and He’s counted all the hairs on my head. He knows me.
And yet still, he loves me.
♡♡♡
That moment where you find yourself curled up in a fetal position while you’re clutching a handful of blankets, feeling as if the entire world is spinning onward while all you can do is try to breathe through the thunder in your chest …
You will rise up from that moment. I promise. This will pass. It has to right? No particular moment will ever last forever.
Keep taking one jagged breath after the other. Counting the seconds isn’t necessary right now. Just focus on taking some oxygen in and then letting it go. Be sure to let it go though. That part is important. Don’t hold onto that air. Be sure your blanket isn’t covering your mouth. I know you think it helps you stay quiet, but darling, those days are long gone! You dont ever have to stay silent! You’re allowed to cry whenever you want. And if you want to make noise then go for it. Let those tears fall down your beautiful face. You don’t have to keep swallowing those sobs.
Right this very moment it seems like your world is crumbling. I know. But you see, I also know that this too shall pass.
You’re going to be ok. This moment will end.
You will rise up.
If the mountain seems too big today
then climb a hill instead;
If morning brings you sadness
it’s okay to stay in bed.
If the day ahead feels heavy and your plans feel like a curse,
There’s no shame in rearranging,
don’t make yourself feel worse.
If a shower stings like needles
and a bath feels like you’ll drown;
If you haven’t washed your hair for days,
don’t throw away your crown!
A day is not a lifetime.
A rest is not defeat.
Don’t think of it as failure,
Just a quiet, kind retreat.
It’s okay to take a moment
From an anxious, fractured mind.
The world will not stop turning
While you get realigned!
The mountain will still be there
When you want to try again
You can climb it in your own time,
Just love yourself till then ..
~ Laura Ding-Edwards ~
It has been hours and days of deep healing. I have felt things that I didn’t think I was going to survive. I have cried for the parts of me that shiver
alone
in the dark
My heart has ached for that which no longer is while pain wreaks havoc on my bones
Pounding
Tearing
Crushing
Stabbing
My internal being has been shredded into a million pieces and I am in ruins
Collapsed beneath the weight that has been threatening to crush me for years
In my weakness I see pieces of me scattered all around
Nothing left to hold me together
I am building a new version of myself
New and improved
Clothed in dignity
Standing on solid ground
The chains have been loosened. He’s done it again!
Praise to God for getting me through another night.
My mind is constantly shifting, switching from one thought to the next, one memory to the next, one daydream to the next. I admire ppl who can focus on one task at a time and are able to lead productive lives.
I’ve been so frustrated lately with my inability to focus. I find my mind growing full of ideas for blog post topics. I wanted to make writing a central activity in my daily life once Christmas had settled down. I intended to turn writing into a therapeutic practice as well as a hobby. I love writing but I usually lack the motivation. So I decided to put my focus into growing this blog.
The only problem is that I’ve gone from unmotivated and lacking direction to becoming almost borderline obsessed with collecting ideas. I find myself super aware of things around me, even more than usual, as I search for things I can write about that would bring growth and add depth to this site.
See the thing is … while I haven’t been officially diagnosed with ADHD, I have undergone some testing and it has revealed that I do fall on the spectrum. The problem though is that the psychiatrist who I’ve been with is not at all open to the possibility of a new diagnosis. Despite having official testing done by a well respected psychologist, who did multiple different types of clinical tests to see where I am with regard to current diagnosis and other potential diagnostic possibilities … and even though she presented the findings in a written report to the psychiatrist, he was still unwilling to even consider the possibility of a new diagnosis.
Now in saying that, a diagnosis is merely another label. While it has added to the confusion I have about my identity as an individual, having a diagnosis that is agreed on by all the professionals is not completely necessary. It would certainly help me a great deal, that’s for sure! But I already KNOW I have a big problem with distraction. And focusing on one thing at a time is really difficult for me. I don’t need a diagnosis of something to know that.
But you know, I don’t think its a lack of attention that’s my problem. Quite the opposite actually. I feel like I have too much attention. I notice more than my brain is able to fully process at one time. I’m frequently distracted, yes. But not because I can’t pay attention. Its because I’m paying attention to everything. It seems like I hear more and see more and just notice more in general, than other ppl do. And that makes it super hard to fully focus on any one specific thing since I’m being distracted by all the other things that are coming at me at any given time. I have more attention than I know what to do with.
I have no idea if that makes any sense to you who is reading this because I’m trying to make … oh look! Squirrel!!
Oops. Sorry about that. So um, yeah. Where was I? Oh yes. So, I’m trying to make sense out of all of this myself to be quite honest. But if you agree/disagree or even relate in any way, feel free to leave a comment below and share your own thoughts about this topic! I’d love to hear what you have to say about this!
We are now nearing the coyote mating season here in the province of Newfoundland.
February through March, coyotes are extemely agressive and active. They will be on the prowl looking for food and have been known to climb a 12ft fence with no trouble at all. Recently two hunters in the USA found a coyote den with over 50 dog and cat collars. There’s no telling how many they killed that didn’t have a collar on.
A coyote can literally wait in the shadows while you take your little dog out for a potty break, you turn your head and that’s how long it can take for you to lose your precious fur baby!
They have adapted to being the best skilled hunters. They go into peoples backyards and on back patios and even front porches.
The picture above is disturbing. Yes. The coyote had someone’s cat (not sure what specific area this was). But I post it for a reason. Not to scare people but to bring awareness to the reality of the kind of predators that are out there and to hopefully make fellow pet owners become more vigilant about the safety of our fur babies. Losing a pet to a hungry coyote is not something anyone wants to see or read about. Much better to see a warning than a true news report.
You don’t think it will happen in your yard … until it does. This time last year when letting my 2 dogs out to potty before going to bed I heard them barking and on going out to see what it was all about, there were 2 large coyotes standing on the beach, about 10 feet outside of our gate, just looking up at my dogs and I. I will never forget their eyes when I made eye contact with them. Thankfully no one got hurt that night. But it could have had a different ending.
So PLEASE protect your dogs and cats when outside! Don’t let what happened to the above pictured cat be the fate of YOUR precious pet!
I have a unique mind.
I thrive with creative thinking.
Whenever struggles arise today I will remind myself of this quality.
I feel this describes me quite well right now.
💙💚🤍🌊💙💚🤍🌊💙💚🤍🌊
I want to age like sea glass.
Smoothed by tides, not broken. I want the currents of life to toss me around, shake me up and leave me feeling washed clean. I want my hard edges to soften as the years pass—made not weak but supple. I want to ride the waves, go with the flow, feel the impact of the surging tides rolling in and out.
When I am thrown against the shore and caught between the rocks and a hard place, I want to rest there until I can find the strength to do what is next. Not stuck—just waiting, pondering, feeling what it feels like to pause. And when I am ready, I will catch a wave and let it carry me along to the next place that I am supposed to be.
I want to be picked up on occasion by an unsuspected soul and carried along—just for the connection, just for the sake of appreciation and wonder. And with each encounter, new possibilities of collaboration are presented, and new ideas are born.
I want to age like sea glass so that when people see the old woman I’ll become, they’ll embrace all that I am. They’ll marvel at my exquisite nature, hold me gently in their hands and be awed by my well-earned patina. Neither flashy nor dull, just a perfect luster. And they’ll wonder, if just for a second, what it is exactly I am made of and how I got to this very here and now. And we’ll both feel lucky to be in that perfectly right place at that profoundly right time.
I want to age like sea glass. I want to enjoy the journey and let my preciousness be, not in spite of the impacts of life, but because of them.
💙💚🤍🌊💙💚🤍🌊💙💚🤍🌊
Have you ever heard of ppl choosing a word of the year? It’s like a way to keep yourself on course. Sort of a guiding star. Or the title to a chapter in the book of your life. Picking a word of the year is less stringent than making a new year’s resolution and it helps you go with the flow without feeling like a failure because you aren’t keeping the resolutions you said you were going to.
It gives you the opportunity to check in during the year and ask yourself if the path you’re on is bringing you closer or further away than where you want to be in your life. It also gives you a chance to DO THE THINGS that put that word at the front of your life. Invite the good things in!
I’ve never picked a word of the year before. I realize upfront that I might not always embody it to the extent that I want to – I admit that. But I will make sure it always teaches me something.
I am grateful for all of the lessons that 2023 taught me but I am more than ready to say goodbye to it. There are some parts of my soul and my self that feel a bit torn, worn out, ragged. At times it was a rough year. Healing always is. Now I find myself needing … something. When I was thinking about what could be my word, ACCEPTANCE came to mind. It encompasses exactly the kind of vibe I need to be in right now.
So, my word for 2024 is:
I need to make room for the person I am right now. Not dwell on the girl I wish I was or feel sorry for the girl I used to be. But the girl I am right now, in this very moment. I want to make the best of what happens this year and not constantly think about what my life would be like if things were different.
I want to accept my body as it is. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to change it, never feeling pretty/strong/skinny/capable/flexible/healthy/attractive/innocent/spicy/good … enough. This year I want to accept and appreciate my ageing body for what it can do and what it has to offer me.
I want to be more accepting of ppl – all ppl. My family, my friends, medical professionals, spiritual leaders, cashiers, etc Especially those who have ideas that are different than mine, different beliefs and those in different levels of power. This year I want to use my voice and talk with those people, even a simple hello is often progress for me.
I want to accept offers to try new things and not let my own doubts or anxieties prevent me from stepping forward.
I want to accept that not all days need to be productive. That especially during times of sickness, fatigue and chronic pain some days I need to just be and not worry about checking off things on my ‘to do’ list.
This will be my first time choosing a word of the year and I feel really good about this. I believe that this particular word, ACCEPT, is exactly where my focus needs to be right now. I need to shift myself from avoidance and move into embracing acceptance in all areas.
Did you choose a word or make any resolutions this year? Do tell! Feel free to comment below and tell me what direction you want to go in this year? Happy New Year everyone!
Embrace each and every challenge that you face as opposed to running for dear life in the opposite direction. Be curious. Take a step back and observe. Then proceed to use it as an opportunity to gain valuable insight and skills. Challenges don’t always have to be setbacks.
Danielle Broomfield
I’ve been home from the hospital for a while now. Things are going ok. I’ve learned some things over the past 2 months and I’m trying to incorporate so&me new ways of coping throughout the day. For example, drinking water is a problem for me. Dehydration is a common occurrence and it causes me to feel so dragged out and just blahh overall. But in the hospital I was given meds multiple times a day and of course, I had to drink water. So I’ve been using that as an opportunity to drink now that I’m home as well. Spreading my medications out over the PROPER times, setting alarms on my phone to remind me and then drinking as much as I can tolerate when I take the meds. Sometimes it’s just a few sips while other times I’ve been able to get down a full glass. Its a simple thing for most ppl – to drink water. But as a person who struggles immensely with drinking any type of fluids, and considering its a necessity for life, its something I have to put work into. So I have been. I want to be well. I want to feel well.
Living inside my head is just downright exhausting sometimes. Small things turn into major hurdles. Its rare for me to have a moment of silence. I mean, who else actually stands, holding a bottle of water, and cries because you know your body is screaming out for it but your mind is just screaming right back, yelling obscenities. I have recently found myself yearning for stillness though, for silence. With the constant 24/7 chatter when I was in the hospital and then all the things that came with the holidays, I find it hard to even think sometimes. So I am trying to take a few minutes here and there to just be still. It has actually been good for my anxiety. Anything that helps reduce the anxiousness I often feel is definitely a tool worth holding on to.
Challenges don’t always have to turn into setbacks. I have a tendency to trip up very easily. Even the smallest challenges have the potential to bring about a full blown relapse. That’s why I’m trying to really hard to stay on top of everything right now. Its a really stressful time of year, for everyone, and less than 2 months ago I almost died. Every tool I think of is being used to pull myself through this christmas. Yep. It’s definitely challenging. But its not going to set me back!
Christmas was … different … this year. I usually enjoy the overall feeling of the season but its like that christmassy feeling was non-existent this year. I don’t know if its because I was in the hospital or maybe its because my pain level has been so high, but December month brought a lot of sadness.
A different kind of sadness though. The kind where it felt as if my heart was literally aching. I found myself frequently holding back tears. There’s been such a deep yearning in my soul. A longing for things I dont have and can’t do. Its the kind of sadness that comes with grieving for a lost loved one, wishing you could have just 5 more minutes with them. Except no one has died. It’s a sadness that reaches right down to my core.
All the hype about the holidays portrays big, happy families gathered around each other, enjoying lots of food and presents, baking cookies, decorating trees together, small children full of excitement, couples building snowmen and having snowball fights, shopping and buying all sorts of things, and so on. All the images say we should be happy. But what about those who have no family near them and they have very small social circles? Or those who are unemployed and can’t afford to buy things for anyone outside of their immediate family? What about couples going through a divorce? Or those in abusive relationships and live in fear of saying the wrong thing? And, what about those who are not able to have children of their own?
David and I went to this one particular event together. A community dinner served by the Evangel Pentecostal Church that was followed by a selection of musical performances. There was another family at our table with their 5 year old little girl and she became the highlight of our night. The joy just emanated from her. She was wearing an adorable red dress, her hair in pig tails, complete with red bows. She was so happy, so excited, so … innocent.
I had a lump in my throat the whole evening, making it very hard to swallow my meal. Santa came and called the kids up front and she was just vibrating with excitement. We watched her as she went up and as she looked over at her mom, waving as they took her picture, I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. It felt like my heart was just shattering inside my chest. I had to excuse myself and blindly made my way to the bathroom, where I covered my mouth and spent a good 5 minutes sobbing, silently. After touching up my make up I went back to the table and sipped coffee as if nothing had ever happened.
Sometimes infertility hits ppl at the most random times and this christmas was one of those times for me. I feel like I have to keep it to myself because I know David deals with a lot of guilt about not being able to give me a child of our own. If he was to see me during these moments it would just make it much worse for him and I don’t want that. Except I also don’t like how isolating this is. I wish I knew how to turn this into something we could go through together. I wish I could let myself be vulnerable and let my own husband see those hurting parts of me. Except I retreat into my shell and hide … the only thing I’m actually good at.
Oh dear don’t be discouraged. I’ve been exactly where you are. Don’t let the darkness fool you. All lights turned off can be turned on.
Noah Kahan
In case no one has told you yet today, let me to be the first to say, “You really are doing enough.”
You are here. Breathe in everything you have experienced these past few weeks. Everything that brought you to this moment.
You are choosing to be intentional about your healing journey.
And your choice is enough.
This day … this moment … may not look like any of us thought it would look or how we wish things would be going … but I want to invite you to gently consider the truth that you are doing your best to do your best, and your best is good enough.
Her Complex Musings 
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