There’s never been a year when I’ve so needed
To see the season come around
To sing the familiar Christmas carols
And see the lights all over town
Because I need to be reminded
In the darkness of these days
That God is not very far away
Hope is here
Love chose to leave His throne
Hope is here
He made our world His home
I hear an echo from the angels saying
Do not fear
Because hope is here.
It is what it is. This entire situation. Right now, I need to calm down, take a breath, and stop striving to be the one in control of everything. Pain is inevitable but all of this suffering is optional! I’m always going to have various painful experiences. We all will.
But I am creating needless suffering for myself today by dwelling on my current situation and telling myself how unfair this all is. I’m in the hospital on a psyc ward and I don’t want to be. They say I’m a voluntary patient. But when I refused the new medication the dr wanted me to take and again when I requested to be discharged, I was threatened with a certification (where I would no longer be voluntary and would lose all freedom to have any say whatsoever in my treatment). I’m only creating more anger within myself and thus causing more suffering by letting this fester.
Its time I accept that I have no control over this situation right now. The facts are that i’m here in hospital, I’m not well, I don’t have a very good track record for making healthy decisions, the doctors are smarter than me and I am craving peace.
So I am just going to lie here, breathing deeply, while I simply accept that in this moment I am doing the best I can with what I’ve got. Lying quietly in this hospital bed is not easy for me but right now its exactly what I have to do. And that’s ok.
Neuroscience research shows that our brain is really responsive to nature. The more we look at “green-like” spaces, the lower the activity in the part of your brain that is key in regulating our emotions, making us feel less stressed!
Are there any parks near you? No? Then spend time in blue spaces (ex. water, ocean, lakes) for therapeutic, mood and immune boosting benefits that also carry over to your brain to help regulate your emotions. Being near water is my favorite place to be. Especially salt water. Everything about it brings more healing, peace, and contentment than anything else I’ve ever encountered. I’m so grateful to live where I do. I took the following pictures within a 5 minute walk from my doorstep.
If you have neither green or blue spaces near you, having plants in your home and even looking at pictures and videos of nature can be beneficial for your mood and overall wellbeing. I love to care for my houseplants. Especially during the winter months when seeing living, green things is nearly impossible.
Being outside has been one of my top 3 coping skills for most of my life. Righr now, being here in the hospital and completely isolated from it all for the past month, has been really hard. I didn’t really realize exactly how helpful it actually is for me until I became completely cut off from it. So for you and me both, here are a few pictures that I took over the summer. May you appreciate them as much as I do!
For the first time in weeks I feel a little bit like myself again. Its probably been more like months but the few weeks have been especially challenging. My mental health has been on a steady decline since the summer came to a close and then I took a nose dive and crashed head first into rock bottom.
There was no one single incident that took place to push me over the edge. I’d been fighting to hold on for a while and my rope just grew so thin that it broke. I’ve been so tired. Just the simple daily stuff has even been too much. Folding laundry had been leading to meltdowns. Once 2 then 3 baskets became filled with clean clothes I’d sit and cry because there was no basket for the dirty stuff. My husband walked in one day and found me sitting on the couch with a towel in my hand, sobbing. I had gotten out of the shower and our 3 laundry hampers were filled with clean clothes so there was nowhere to put my towel or dirty clothes. Folding it felt so far beyond what I was mentally able to process. I thank God for my incredible husband who stepped in and took it over, while I sat there crying and holding on to the towel.
Eating. Drinking. Walking. Talking. Even breathing felt pointless.
And sleep. I don’t know how long I had been without sleep but I know I was into night 3 at least because my husband was working his 3rd 12 hour shift that night and I hadn’t been to bed at all during that stretch of time. I had been purposely avoiding food and water because in the back of my mind I was thinking that the weaker I could make my physical self … the more tired and worn out and deprived I could become … the faster my body would give up at the end.
I had every aspect of my death planned out. How I was going to do it, where I would be, what I would be wearing, precise timing of everything, who would find me, details about my funeral wishes were written down and placed in my wallet with my ID and other important cards, etc
What I didn’t take into consideration was how weak and worn out I actually was. And the apathy … I didn’t care. I was completely shut down. I had been experiencing waves of emotion in between the numbness but for 3 days straight I was a zombie. I just gave up caring.
So those things paired with all the despair and brokeness I had been feeling resulted in a week long stay on the intensive care unit then a transfer to a different hospital an hour away, which is the only place that has a psychiatric inpatient unit in our district. And that’s where I’ve been for the past few weeks.
Being in the hospital is a challenge all by itself. But today I ventured out of my room and wandered into the main lounge where several staff members were putting up the Christmas tree. A security guard came with a guitar and began singing. After a while I joined in and for the first time since my Nan’s funeral 2 years ago, I sang in front of a group of people.
Today, I feel hope.
I think too much. That’s my problem. I think too much and I feel too deeply. Its a dangerous combination.
My pain level has been pretty extreme the past couple of days. I was diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) around 7/8 years ago, after being in a pretty bad car crash. Many of my injuries fully healed while others became permanent problems. So the pain receptors in my brain are all messed up. They frequently send signals around my body, that basically scream DANGER, and various parts of me act as if they’re suddenly being crushed and shredded and ripped apart.
So that’s where I’m at today. On the couch with a heated blanket wrapped around me (many thanks to my clothes dryer!), my 2 dogs close by, hot lemon ginger tea, a bottle of morphine, and Netflix. But I feel like I’m about to lose my freakin mind! I can’t stand not being able to do stuff. To be still and quiet and just relax … its actually painful. Mentally painful. So I’m pretty well maxed out in the pain department today. I can’t say I’m overly surprised by this though.
Different things trigger these flare ups and determine the severity. Many times I don’t know what it was but sometimes I do. Right now though my guess would be stress. My mental illness is trying really hard to destroy me and my body has been on the receiving end of some not so healthy attempts to make myself not feel it. I never anticipated though that a bump on my head would cause my entire body to overreact like this. But here we are.
What have you been putting off doing? Why?
EVERYTHING!!
Dishes … laundry … returning a call to my mom, who has been calling for 2 days but I don’t have the strength to pick up the phone and utter the word ‘hello’.
I’ve been putting off hanging a pile of shirts in our closet, but hey, at least it’s all clean..
I’ve been putting off some photo editing as well. I have a little over 120 pictures needing to be uploaded to my laptop, and sorted then edited but I haven’t been able to get in a clear frame of mind to even be able to think about it.
I’ve also been putting off something else… asking for help, telling somebody … because I anticipate that things will get a lot worse if I do. Depression has flooded every part of me, both physically and mentally. I have very little control over what enters my mind. From terrifying images that flash without warning to lines from songs that get stuck on repeat, over and over and over to absolute silence.
A couple of ppl know I’m not well but they aren’t in any position to help. My psychiatrist is out of the country until the new year. I have no more options. Unless … I go to my family doctor. Tell her how severe my insomnia has become. But I’ve been putting it off because …
I’m scared. I’m scared of having to answer any questions she may have because I really don’t want to talk about the fear, the dreams, the feelings, the memories …….
Sometimes I need to be reminded of things that are outside of this particular moment. I get so caught up in what I’m feeling right now or I get stuck in a memory loop, where I have one specific flashback that plays repeatedly, consuming me … I forget that I have an entire life outside of this place where I’m stuck. That’s where I have been discovering that any type of visual reminder, of a positive moment, helps me to become grounded. I have added a few videos and pictures to a folder on my phone and I’ve been sitting here in my bathroom, watching the videos on repeat.
This one shows a moment from this summer that has stayed with me very vividly. The way I felt in that moment was something I became very mindful of so I’m guessing that’s why I can feel it to be so real. I had been walking the beach near my house and my 2 dogs were with me. We’d had 2 days of rain so they were super happy to be outside and get to run around. When I stopped I took in all of my surroundings and I felt such an incredible warm feeling run through the center of my chest. Everything in that moment bordered on perfection. The direction of the sun, the temperature, the light breeze in my hair, the warmth from the sun shining down on my face, my dogs barking after each other as they zoom past me to chase each other through the salt water …
There are always things that you can cling to in moments of difficulty that can serve as an anchor. You might have one specific thing or many different ones. Whatever the case might be, use them. If you have to watch a 17 second video 29 times in a row to get the trembling in your bones to stop, then do it. You so deserve to be reminded of these moments of joy when the weight of depression is trying to crush you.
Having achors to keep you grounded is a great tool to have in your toolbox. One of my go-to skills.
Just sayin’.
Take a minute with me, to reflect, breathe, and remind yourself that just because you make mistakes it doesn’t mean that those mistakes define who you are. I just want to make that clear to everyone. None of us are perfect. Everyone experiences challenges and insecurities.
However, the fact that you are still here today after experiencing the depths of your anxiety and loneliness during the night … the fact that you are still getting up every morning … despite all the tears that soaked your pillows while you tried to sleep … the fact that you are still breathing … and the fact that you are right where you are right now …. its all evidence that there is hope for better days to come. You can still become the person that God wants you to be.
Better days are on their way, my friend, better days are on their way.
I say I’m fine but …
I think I’m going insane.
I say I feel good but …
I’m in a lot of pain.
I say it’s no big deal but …
It’s actually a lot.
I say I’m okay but …
I’m really not.
Some days I amaze myself. My level of productivity is through the roof, energy is endless and mood is as good as I could wish for.
Then, I have days like today. Where I’m going around searching for my phone, just to discover its been in my hand the whole time.
Good grief.
The night is not so scary
When you know how to fly
But when your wings are broken
You start yearning for the lightPlease keep waiting for the morning
Don’t give up too soonWhen you’re left out in the open
You feel every drop of rain
From every storm that passes
Every hour of the dayKeep waiting for the morning
Don’t give up too soonWhen it feels like you’ve fallen
To the bottom of a well
Oh, there is nothing braver
Than calling out for helpPlease keep waiting
J.J. Heller
Hope is coming
Don’t give up to soon
This song hit me like a ton of bricks last night. See, I have this thing about always saying I’m ok. If I was on the floor, crying, and bleeding I would still look up at you and tell you that I’m ok. It seems like those are the only 2 words that exist in my vocabulary sometimes.
So last night I was in a pretty dark mood and instead of seeking out positive things to draw out a lighter mood, I was like … screw this DBT stuff. I was angry but no idea why. And the sadness was so heavy that it was almost tangible. I opened up youtube and just started going from one song to another and then this one started playing.
It amazes me how music can so accurately speak for me when the words aren’t there. At the beginning of every session my therapist asks me how I am doing and my automatic response is … I’m okay. Every. Single. Time. Because I don’t have the words to accurately answer her question. To be honest, I don’t think I know how to be anything other than ‘okay’.
So for now, I’ll let the lyrics of this song say it for me. And while it plays quietly in my ear I’ll just keep smiling and telling you … I’m okay.
Tonight the monsters in my head
Are screaming so damn loud
But I built walls so high
So they never even make a sound
It’s a mask, it’s a lie
It’s the only home I’ve ever known
‘Cause being who I really am
Has only left me more alone
I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
The reason I keep quiet
With so much at stake
I always feel like a burden, let it silence me
You’ll never understand
Why it’s so hard to say
I’m not okay
I wish I had a scar
Had a bruise on the surface, any kind of proof
That everything I feel is more than just some sad excuse
My life’s invisible abuse
I’m either judged or have to hide
The only symptom you can see
Is I don’t wanna be alive,
I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
The reason I keep quiet
With so much at stake
I always feel like a burden, let it silence me
You’ll never understand
Why it’s so hard to say
I’ll never have the words, I can’t explain this hell
But what if it kills me
If I keep it to myself?
To myself
I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
I am not okay
I am not okay
I’m never safe
It’s not a phase
If I finally break
Would you still stay?
that you will stay in the light, okay?
No matter what it takes
Promise me.
Pain will hunt you down
And rip you to shreds.
Its inevitable.
The waves will knock you down
Forcing air to exit your lungs.
Your heart will break
More than once.
Your soul will quiver
And you will lose your way
For a moment.
Never forget that a moment is a moment.
It won’t last forever.
Nothing lasts forever.
So don’t turn off the light.
Promise me …
Gently talking to ourselves with love and respect is hard. Especially when we’ve been conditioned to talk like its someone we hate.
The healing journey is all about rebuilding – or maybe its about building for the first time – a safe relationship with ourselves.
Spoiler alert: it takes a minute and its really awkward. 100% worth it tho!
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
What’s your favorite time of day?
Sometimes all I want is a little comfort. Just a tiny sliver of it for a few short moments and I would be grateful. Because the ache of missing someone is just so incredibly intense. I didn’t want to get out of bed today. In fact I haven’t wanted to physically move at all. I did manage to move myself from my bed to the patio outside, where I curled up on the bench and spent hours just staring up at the sky. The sun was perfection. The temperature was perfection. The occasional perfect breeze blew across my face, just enough to remind me to take another breath. Secretly though, I wanted nothing more than to stop. Breathing I mean. To stop … existing.
The thoughts and feelings are haunting me every single minute that I’m awake. Sometimes I just don’t have the energy to fake a smile, because the emotions are way too close to the surface and it feels like the tears are about to slip out at any minute …
But no, thanks. I have managed to come this far today. I’ve made it past 5:30. So I just want to eat some hot soup. Or maybe I can manage some toast instead. But please, please don’t make me go anywhere. I’m just so tired. I know this feeling is temporary and that it will pass, just like the rain that was falling out here last night.
It’s just that sometimes that old familiar longing to have you alive, back here on earth and back in my life again takes me off guard because nothing can ever replace a friend once suicide takes her away. 💔
What ever happened to Sunshine? That is what they used to call her when she was a little girl, because she giggled with the sun, as if it spoke to her in a way that only she could understand.
Butterflies, and dandelion wishes kept her busy on most days. The days before the clouds came, and hid the sun away from her.
Sunshine met darkness, and they became inseparable. She grew into a beautiful, but haunted soul; and no matter how much she gave, how much she loved, it always seemed as if storms and destruction followed her.
It made me sad to think that she knew of hell, but it made me smile to know that even hell was jealous of the fire that burned in her soul.
So, whatever happened to Sunshine, the little girl with dreams as big as her heart?
I believe she is still out there somewhere.
I miss her.
I hope that one day I will look in the mirror, and see her once again
-L.L.
Ilmusings
The first time I thought about taking my own life I was 14. The first time I harmed myself I was 10. This is the reality of a 20 year battle with my health and truthfully, I’m still fighting.
I’ve struggled with being different my entire life. My insecurities have pushed me so far that I lost all value of my life. Sometimes I get a glimpse of what freedom looks like without feeling the guilt and shame for being different, but that’s all it is, a glimpse. I know that being different is a part of what makes me who I am. But the struggle to actually appreciate that is definitely real.
I don’t claim to live a life free of pain and frustration or even sickness. But I have grown a lot. My heaviness now coexists with a will to fight, and the fighter in me will have the final word.
Every day that I wake up is proof that I’m still fighting. Every hour that I don’t engage in self harm as a means of coping means that I’m still fighting. Every minute that I choose to speak truth even when my mind is screaming lies is proof that I’m fighting. But also, when I have a setback, it’s yet another chance for me to fight … again.
My reality includes a list of diagnoses that include mental illness and chronic pain, AND my reality is that I’m a complex girl who is the epitome of different, who is CHOOSING life. Everyday. And I promise you, no matter what it is that breaks you, hurts you, and makes you feel like giving up – your life is worth choosing, too.
Her Complex Musings 
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