Her Complex Musings

So far, September is seeming to be much less eventful than August was. I need to buckle down and get myself back into some sort of routine though. The whole month of August was nuts and routine was non-existent. But without it, I feel like I’m just aimlessly seeking out the next thing to do, not really accomplishing anything at all. I started this blog around the same time life threw me a few curve balls and I haven’t been able to put much time into writing here but hopefully that will change now.

August was eventful, to say the least. There’s been very little downtime as we’ve been really busy with various activities and events.  As someone who deals with fairly intense anxiety on a regular basis, I’m feeling quite overwhelmed with everything now. Its like everything that’s been happening the past few weeks just hit me full force this weekend and I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me. I’d like to lock myself in a cool, dark, room so that I can just sleep for a while. My brain is buzzing and I need everything to just stop for a few minutes. Its so loud inside my head. Its such a strange feeling and rather difficult to describe. I imagine that there’s an electric current running through my veins, causing my insides to vibrate, and it brings with it a level of physical pain.

Speaking of pain, I’m still trying to heal from a wrist injury, that resulted from a careless move on my part. Typing with 2 fingers has become a new skill of mine. As a left arm amputee, my right hand is a part of me that I can’t risk having trouble with. That’s the last thing I need!

In August I also learned that I had a minor heart attack. Question  … how does one have a heart attack, even a minor one, and not know it?? Not sure, but apparently I did. The dr himself even found this mind boggling. He was a nice guy though. So that was a relief. I have a hard time with doctors. Pretty much anything medical, really. Which tends to make things complicated because the past couple of years I have had more than my fair share of dealings with medical practitioners. This heart attack thing has me reeling though. They are saying that nothing actually appears wrong with my heart and that it was brought on by a combination of intense anxiety and an electrolyte imbalance. When you have an eating disorder you know that there are dangers associated but you don’t actually think any of it will happen. Until it does. Shit becomes real then.

There have been lots of changes in my life this summer and it doesn’t take much to throw me out of my  routine. Even the slightest shift in plans often throws me off. I’m fairly positive though that despite a few bad decisions and the use of some old, negative coping skills (hence my injured wrist) I feel like I’ve handled things fairly well. And the highlight in August was an opportunity to go on vacation for a week … and it was pure bliss!

We drove east for 7 hours, out to the Burin Peninsula, to a place called Golden Sands Resort. We rented a cabin there for the week. During our days there we were able to visit 7 different towns and in each place we explored all that the town had to offer. We did everything from hiking trails and museums to sitting on the beach and watching the sunset. We visited 5 lighthouses and ate Newfoundland’s #1 cheesecake (and iced coffee of course!) in the most adorable little coffee shop I’ve ever seen. It was the highlight of not just the summer, but of my entire year.

So as you can see, August was a bit hectic. I’m grateful for this new month but at the same time I feel a little sad. The hours of sunlight are decreasing and the evening temperatures are getting cooler. Fall is coming, which brings us even closer to winter. The very thought of the dark days of winter makes me feel sick. But right now it is September and I’m going to make the most of every bit of it!