I see you. I see how much it hurts. The pain just keeps multiplying and spreading. And yes! How right you are in thinking that the saying “Time heals all wounds” is a big old dirty pile of poo-poo.
You’re right! No one understands. How could they?! It’s frustrating, I know, sweetheart. But it’s not their fault. Nobody else on God’s great earth has walked in your exact footsteps.
So no, they don’t understand the kind of pain that bends you over and brings you to your knees like you were punched in the gut … but 10x worse than that. They don’t understand the kind of pain that hurts so much it’s wordless and that itself makes it hurt even more because you can’t say it out loud.
Beautiful Soul, I see you. I’ve heard every single time you’ve laughed and I’ve held you every time you’ve cried. How do you think you’ve made it this far?
Repeat after me: I am going to be ok.
I know you feel safe in the bathroom so stand in front of that mirror. Say it – again and again and again. That tear-stained face being reflected at you … tell her …
She’s going to be ok.
I am going to be ok.
I AM going to be ok!
Honey, I need you to hear me. LISTEN TO MY WORDS … ! I know it’s scary to trust what anyone says but you and I, we are the same! We are in this together. I am that little whisper you sometimes hear. You told Dr. Jeff about me. You told him that you wish you could hear from me more often and that I would be louder.
Well, here I am! I will become louder the moment you start to listen and trust that I, your true Self, want nothing but the best for you! I’ve got you.
I know it’s been a horror beyond words. Betrayal doesn’t cover it. Neither does violation. Neither does grief or heartache. No word exists for this kind of thing.
Sometimes it splits you, opens you, and spreads you apart. You find yourself trying desperately to hold together the pieces that are left. It hurts, to not know who you could have been, had things been different.
Except, it wasn’t.
Its time to accept the person you’ve become, and stop trying to be a version of you that only exists in your imagination. Pay attention to the person staring back at you. Love her!
That girl came through a crucible of fire to be standing here today. That girl is a beautiful soul.
Sometimes it’s a dog that fills the void. The room feels so different when she isn’t in it.
People come and go and they will repeatedly let you down. They make promises they can’t keep, love you – but with conditions, and leave when things get hard. But a dog? A dog just stays. No questions, no demands. She’s just there, filling the empty spaces you didn’t even realize you had growing inside you.
It’s strange, isn’t it? How something so small can take up so much room in your life?
Well no, not strange. It’s just … rare. The kind of love that doesn’t ask for anything but still gives you everything in return. The kind that’s always there when you need it most, and somehow, without a single word, it reminds you that you are worthy of being loved.
Zoey, my 9-year-old yellow lab, is lying beside me in my hotel room tonight. She’s bringing a desperately needed sense of calm to my anxious nervous system. I have been in and out of fight, flight and freeze all week. We traveled 5 hrs today and checked in to a hotel for the night. In the morning I have an appointment for a special medical test that can only be done in this particular hospital.
I am an amputee. I lost my left arm in a car accident 10 yrs ago so I have been living with just one hand. Last week I seriously injured that hand and it has had devastating consequences. Life changing. I am looking at partial to full loss of use of the full hand and wrist, which would strip me of most of my independence.
I’m scared. This test tomorrow will determine which type of surgery they will be performing and whether or not it can be repaired. There are a lot of unknowns and the fear is trying to strangle the life out of me.
But as I lay here with my girl beside me, listening to her deep relaxed breathing I am reminded to take a deep breath of my own. I realize that there’s nothing I can do tonight other than rest. Worrying is only causing more suffering. Tomorrow will come and I will face each challenge as it comes. So for now, I’m going to pause and appreciate the presence of my beautiful furry companion.
I’m going to reclaim my peace tonight as I allow the love of my dog to calm the fear and anxiety within me. With no questions or demands, I know Zoey will bring comfort to my hurting soul.
Those words were shared in an email response that I received from my psychologist last week. It had been a difficult session and afterwards, I spiraled. I emailed her in the midst of my upset and her brief reply ended with those words – Hope strengthens, fear kills.
Yes. I am scared. Terrified – of my own brain. I have no control whatsoever of the way it reacts to things anymore. Its like I’m dealing with a completely separate entity. I’m going about my day as if im babysitting some overly dramatic child that can’t be left alone for 2 minutes or else it’s going to get into something it’s not supposed to.
I got up after a nightmare that night and spiraled into the danger zone. I remembered that Magda (psychologist) had pointed out a couple of wins from the previous week (which I really appreciated) and she said that what I was doing was helping me grow my window of tolerance. In my frustration that night, I was like, “F* my window of tolerance. I’m not doing this”.
I want to be numb. I want to go back to the days when I was void of all emotion. I used to be so frozen inside but it’s like I’m thawing out now. I don’t want my thoughts to be so loud or sounds to be so clear. When my head was heavy and foggy and I barely even remembered conversations I didn’t have to deal with any of this stuff. My brain dissociated for a reason.
I feel like I’m going crazy. The fear is strangling me. Choking me. Killing me …
I’m afraid of what’s going to happen to me. So much fear, that I’m going to just snap, go totally crazy, lose my sanity entirely.
Fear. Its trying to kill me. The fear of uncertainty. Not knowing from one minute to the next what I’m going to think or feel. The fear that I’m not strong enough … that I might find myself completely alone and have to navigate it all by myself – again … that I’m going to collapse under all the pressure … fear that I’m going to start but never be able to stop crying …
Fear kills.
*Video clip of me in the midst of a panic attack*
BUT ….
she also said that hope strengthens. Hope. I need strength. I need hope. I’m not going to find either if I just wait around for it to fall into my lap though. So I must make it my daily goal to seek out hope. I know it exists in more than just the ink on my wrist. I see it around me. I see that other ppl have it. Its just that it never feels like there’s any for me.
If you want something in this world you have to go after it right? Well, I want to be strong. I want hope to fill me and strengthen me.
Me: God, I’m scared. I’m trying so hard not to be, but I am.
God: I know, my child. Do you want to talk about it?
Me: No, not really. Besides, you already know everything. Talking isn’t going to change it.
God: Let’s talk about it anyway. We’ve done this before.
Me: I know. I’m just so tired. I should be stronger than this. I can’t seem to get anything right.
God: *waiting patiently, never annoyed.*
Me: I’m just so tired. I’m never going to figure out how to live and manage all this. Its too much. I’m scared that I’m going to crack under all this pressure. My heart has never felt so broken before. I’m afraid that my attempts to recover are actually going to be what kills me. I’m afraid that I’m not strong enough to cope with it all. I’m afraid of the things I’m having to process in therapy. I’ve spent years acting as if my nightmares are just that – things in my imagination. I have tried so hard to make it all go away. Its what my whole life has revolved around. But all that energy put into avoiding has been for nothing because here I am, having to stare it straight in the face.
God: Anything else?
Me: EVERYTHING ELSE.
God: Remember the other day when the smoke alarm was beeping in the kitchen and Buddy came running across the house?
Me: Yes.
God: When you heard him running, you started calling out to him before he even got to you … remember? Do you remember what you called out to him?
Me: I said, “You’re okay! You’re okay! Mommy’s right here.”
God: Why did you call out to him? Why didn’t you just wait until he got to you?
Me: Because I wanted him to know that I was here, and I heard him, and he didn’t have to be afraid because I was right here.
God: Exactly. I hear you, my child. I hear your thoughts racing like Buddy’s little puppy feet down the hallway. There’s another side to all of this and I’m already there. I’ve seen the end of it. And I want you to know that as you walk through all of this, you’re going to be okay. I haven’t turned my back on you. I’m right here. I always was and I always will be.
Me: *crying* Can you just wait here with me for a while until I calm down? Can you hold me and cover me in your peace before I go back to facing it all again?
Did you know that butterflies don’t fly when it’s raining? Their wings are incredibly delicate and the raindrops would be damaging.
So they rest. They wait it out. Its self-preservation.
So it’s ok to rest when things get stormy in our lives. It’s ok to take whatever time we need to recharge. It doesn’t make you lazy, worthless, or ineffective. It’s a necessary part of life.
Unfortunately, this is a life lesson that I have struggled with tremendously. I developed a belief that resting, apart from nighttime sleep, is not ok and it does nothing more than make me ineffective. I’ve battled with great amounts of guilt and shame when I have been forced to stop ‘doing’ and must simply ‘be’.
Life has been pretty intense the past couple of weeks. Lots of family drama has been stirred up and old hurts have resurfaced. Loved ones are unwell, both physically and mentally, and my presence was needed. There were birthday celebrations for a very special little girl and there’s been some long hours spent traveling. On top of that, I lost a girl friend. Not by death, but through mutual agreement. Neither of us is good at communicating things with each other when we struggle with things in life and it has resulted in some deep hurt. While we (and our spouses) have agreed to remain civil, as community involvement will sometimes cause us to be together, we’ve agreed to go with no contact from here on.
It’s been pretty stormy.
And I have done an extremely poor job at this self-preservation thing. Unlike the butterfly, I have not taken steps to protect myself. And as a result, I find myself bedridden today. My body said enough is enough. CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome) is attacking my neck and shoulders, the majority of my spine, and both of my lower legs. Burning, throbbing, electric sensations are rapidly firing. My legs buckle beneath me when I attempt to stand, refusing to continue carrying me. I cannot feel the floor beneath my feet yet sensations of broken glass trapped in my socks are making it difficult to even breathe.
It’s pouring rain here today. The storm has destroyed my wings. And once again I find myself in a state of forced rest. Will I ever learn?
I know how incredibly hard a lot of things are. Most ppl don’t understand what you go through and that can make you feel so alone. The things that others do with ease are not that way for you. Social gatherings cause huge anxiety in the days leading up to the event and sometimes just getting to the event itself is a major task.
You’re not like other ppl and that is okay. Your heart was built differently. Your gentle side can leave you ruminating about conversations or comments, for days, causing you to lose sleep. I know how hard it is to “fit” into a world that doesn’t feel like it was made for you. That’s because you are a very sensitive soul.
We only make up a small percentage of the population. You are a gift to this world. Please remember this. To a sensitive soul, love is pure ecstasy. Music is Godlike. Heartache is a wide-open wound. The visual beauty in nature is wild, jewel-drenched bliss. Tension and conflict affect you right down to a cellular level.
Being a highly sensitive soul will lead you through many dark, but incredibly bright moments throughout your life. You have a gift many ppl will never experience. You find magic in places that others never even consider looking.
But it hurts. I know. I see you. I feel you. I understand. It’s all so overwhelming and you are exhausted. Pause and take a breathe. Let me remind you that the ocean never apologizes for its depth and the mountains never apologize for the space they take up. Neither should you!
When the majority of the world is asleep, resting their mind and body after the day’s events, I often lay awake. Staring off into the darkness, I plead with myself … please, just go to sleep. Sometimes I give in and take an hour to nap during the day. And I am working on forgiving myself for it too. I’m exhausted, after all. I’m so very exhausted.
Mental illness just sucks. I cried randomly today while hanging clothes out on the line. And I forgave myself for that as well. It just all feels like too much sometimes.
And the truth is — It is too much.
The appointments, the pills, the therapy, the special authorizations that rarely actually get approved, and the symptoms. All the symptoms that either don’t go away, or keep coming back, no matter how many things I do to try and tame them.
It is too much.
Now, I know I’m not supposed to say that. I know I’m supposed to live my life full of hope and gratitude and look for the silver linings. And yes, they do indeed exist! But oh my goodness. I’m so tired of having to fight so damn hard to find them.
I often remind myself that this is only a season. I know that every storm eventually runs out of rain. But I’ve lived this for over twenty years. Is it too much to ask to want more than just a day of sunshine here and there? In the back of my mind, I also ask myself — will you ever actually get better, Danielle? Will these symptoms ever go away?
And what lingers and nags at me, ever so strongly, is the truth I know so well in my aching heart and my dysregulated body … mental illness doesn’t go away. We manage it.
We find the silver linings in the middle of its hurricane. We talk to ppl who get it. We sleep when we have to. We take the medication and we go to the appointments. We feed our bodies to keep our strength up and we maintain hydration to keep things working as they should.
But no — it doesn’t go away.
And I don’t know if I will ever be able to accept this.
A life lesson that I’ve learned much too late is that avoidance creates a lot more suffering than what would occur if I had faced the issue at the beginning. It is making me sick.
Experiencing a great deal of pain today.
Avoiding those wounds, the trauma, the lies, or even the belief systems inside of us can lead to physical, psychological, emotional, and/or spiritual damage.
There’s a spectrum, of course.
Avoidance might look like constantly being glued to your phone, or binge-watching shows because it provides you an escape.
Or avoidance might have turned into full blown addiction that started all because you needed something to numb the pain inside.
It might be that you are distracted enough to ignore what’s trying to grab your attention inside of you.
It all makes sense. I know the pain some of us feel is so intense, we’re afraid that if we feel it, it could swallow us whole and we’d never be able to breathe again.
Unfortunately, the avoiding behaviors can end up being more destructive and painful than the actual wound itself.
So we avoid. And then we avoid some more.
If anyone reads this, I don’t know what you are avoiding, or what you are shoving deep down, but I bet if you stopped for a minute to notice it, you would know right away what it is.
I don’t know what you need. Maybe you need to go to a professional to work through it. Maybe you need to pray about it or say it out loud to a trusted friend.
Maybe you can start by simply admitting to yourself that it’s there … and start to imagine the time, energy, and space you’d get back if you didn’t need to spend it on avoidance.
If there’s something in you that says, “it was too long ago – I should be over it”, or “I could never say that out loud”, or “Acknowledging what’s inside isn’t going to help me”, please consider that these thoughts are coming from a part of you who wants, desperately, for you to never think about these things. In the darkness is where it will spread and grow and continue to wreak havoc.
Avoidance will never lead us to freedom. But acknowledging our pain will. May all that’s hidden come to light so that we can just be well, and experience life in a way that we no longer need to avoid, but can actually experience.
I read this analogy and it certainly hit home for me.
So, you’re holding a cup of coffee and someone accidentally bumps into you, causing it to spill everywhere. Why did you spill the coffee?
“Because someone bumped into me.”
Wrong answer.
You spilled the coffee because there was coffee in your cup. If there had been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea. Whatever is inside the cup is what will spill out.
So, when life shakes you up, whatever is inside you will come out. It’s easy to pretend everything’s fine until you’re shook.
So, we need to ask ourselves, “What’s in my cup?”
When life gets tough, what spills over? Joy? Gratitude? Peace? Humility? Anger? Bitterness? Avoidance? A tendency to quit?
My head feels unnaturally heavy. It takes effort to just hold my head up straight. Letting it rest against the back of my chair while I rock brings relief. I feel like I’m stuck inside a cloud of thick fog. Going to different rooms in my house, walking on the beach, out in my garden, even to the shower, it follows me.
Things sound different. Far away. I often need David to repeat himself because I didn’t hear what he said. Music doesn’t sound right unless I’m wearing my earbuds, which I’ve been doing a lot of. Having the loud music playing directly in my ears helps drown out the constant dialog.
The level of pain in my body this evening cannot be described. I just don’t have the words. I feel as if all I can do is sit here and keep reminding myself to breathe.
Personally, I think the path to happiness is paved with appreciation for the simple pleasures in our lives. Making this list today reminded me that I am surrounded by a beautiful tapestry of joy. I’m so often blinded by so much darkness around me that I tend to forget that beauty still exists. From the warmth of sunlight to the gentle nudges from my dogs, each thing adds a unique hue to the blend of beauty that resonates within me.
It’s there. Joy does exist. I know there is more to me and my life than darkness, mental illness, pain, and suffering. During a hospitalization, a very rude psychiatrist once told me that I am ‘leaving behind a terrible legacy’. Those were his words. And that has stayed with me. Not exactly the kindest thing to say to a suicidal individual. But, I digress.
During a session with my therapist on Tuesday, she said something along the lines of there being more to me than just being a complex case. So often I’ve been labeled as difficult … unique … challenging … complicated … and my favorite – complex. More often than not it’s all doom and gloom, jumping from one crisis to the next, with me. Ppl don’t think of beauty … or courage … or strength … or determination … and certainly not joy or happiness … when they think of me. So in a way, I guess that psychiatrist was right after all. If I died today, the legacy I leave will not be a joyful one.
So I decided to take some time to reflect on what brings me joy on a personal level. The following list is what I came up with and it has really opened my eyes to be able to see that beauty does exist in my life. My struggles are what others see. And more often than not, it’s what I see too. So if you are anything like me, I challenge you to take a few moments to intentionally think of the things that bring you joy.
But don’t be discouraged. It has actually taken me a few days to write this post because happy things don’t naturally come to mind for me. But if you be patient and intentional I think you will be pleasantly surprised by what you come up with. And please, feel free to leave a comment below and share, even just one thing, that brings joy to your life. Let’s shift the conversation for a moment and flood my blog with beautiful things! We could all use some of that today. 🦋
My relationship with God. I list this first and foremost because other things would not be possible without it. It’s not only a source of joy, it’s my everything. My life revolves around my faith. It’s where my hope, my comfort, and my strength radiate from.
The warmth of sun on my face.
Hearing ppl laughing out loud, especially kids. It’s infectious. When was the last time you heard someone laughing and you didn’t smile in return?
The smell of homemade bread. It reminds me of my Nan.
The way words and harmonies go together to create music. Everything about music brings me joy.
Nature. Anything and everything about nature brings me joy. Especially the awe-inspiring sight of sunrises and sunsets. Each time it’s like watching the Master Artist paint a new picture just for me because at my unique location and position I’m the only one with that particular view.
The talents that some people possess just blows my mind. Witnessing creative expression, whether it be through a song, video, dance, writing, painting, etc That brings me joy.
Being able to perform a random act of kindness. I love paying for the next person’s coffee order in Tim’s drive thru.
The love and affection I receive from my 2 dogs.
Being productive. The sense of achievement I get when I check something off my to-do list.
Dancing. Losing myself in the rhythm and movement of music. Actually feeling the music in my body.
Rainy days. The calming sound of heavy rain on the window. Not the misty, dreary kind of rain. But rather the kind that just pours from the heavens.
Discovering new books. Finding a work of literary art that leaves me wanting more after the last word is read (or heard, as most of my books are in audiobook format these days).
Random encounters. Striking up conversations with strangers that leave lasting impressions.
Hugs. Embracing (and being embraced) by another person and feeling their warmth. I’m not a touchy-feely kind of person but a genuine hug from someone I trust is something I actually crave sometimes and it brings me joy.
Scented candles. I love the soothing ambiance of the flickering flame and the fragrances they give off.
Watching the stars. It’s so enchanting.
Learning something new. Especially when it turns into a hobby. I learned about Neurographic art through a random tiktok video and it has since turned into a wonderful hobby and it brings me so much joy.
Acts of generosity. I love the feeling that comes with helping others.
Animals. No explanation is necessary because everything about animals (especially dogs) brings me joy!
It is in cherishing these things that I find joy and contentment in the midst of the challenges in my life. It is through gratitude that I unlock the doors to genuine happiness, and each day becomes an opportunity to celebrate the blessings that bring light and joy into my life. Fostering an attitude of gratitude is what allows me to savor these moments.
The family has gone to the rec center to decorate for the birthday party tonight. I opted to stay home with the dogs. They’re here beside me, soaking up all the different sounds and smells.
In-law’s backyard
Chronic pain is wreaking havoc on my body today. Despite being fully recovered from being crushed in a car crash in 2010, my left leg throbs with pain. From the base of my skull to lowest part of my back, burning, lava like sensations flow in all directions. It too has recovered, from the same crash, having been broken in 5 places. It once rendered me immobile but I proved medicine wrong and within a year I was walking again. But the cell memory remains intact and sometimes pain pulls me under. Especially in times of high stress. And today is one of those days. But I know that this too shall pass.
Having accepted that I can’t do and be like everyone else today, I’ve resolved to breathe and be gentle to self as much as possible. After everyone had left though, anxiety wrapped it’s ugly hands around my throat and with one quick gasp I began to hyperventilate.
My body trembled … sounds faded away as a high-pitched ringing appeared in my right ear. The intense pounding of my heart was making it almost impossible for air to reach my lungs. The pounding echoed through my skull. An overwhelming sense of terror seeped into every pore on my body, causing my limbs to go stiff with fear. I couldn’t breathe … I was being smothered. Where am I? This is not my house. I am not safe here … I HAVE TO GET OUT!
Frozen with fear
Suddenly, I didn’t know where I was. I heard something being whispered inside my head … he’s here. I felt my body begin to tingle, sending a shiver right through my very core. I had a sudden urge to rip at my skin with my fingernails.
I was losing it. My connection to reality was slipping away and I was drifting into another time and place. I was back in an experience that I didn’t want to remember. In someone else’s house. Under someone’s watch. Being stared at …
Mixed Reality
My current surroundings are unfamiliar and therefore intimidating and I think it triggered an emotional flashback. Being alone in this house gives me a very unsettling feeling and I felt like I was being watched. That feeling of someone staring reminded me of something else. And the thing about a traumatized brain is that it can’t tell time. Feeling this way today brought forth a memory of a previous time when I was being watched. It was not a pleasant memory and my body reacted as if this was that same time.
With both dogs at my feet, both recognizing the shift in my energy, we stepped outside where the cool air worked it’s way into my lungs. The change in temperature and lighting brought me back to now. 2024. My in-law’s house. It’s a safe house. This backyard is safe. Zoey and Buddy are just a few feet away. Look at them. It’s 2024. Its just the 3 of us. You’re OK …
The birds are chirping. I pick out at least 3 different songs being sung. Several little ones fly up from the ground at the sound of my footsteps and into a nearby evergreen, causing its current inhabitants to flutter off to the next tree. I scan the whole yard for potential areas of danger and once I felt relatively confident it was ok, I looked down at Zoey and Buddy and told them it was ok to go play. Off they ran, overjoyed with canine pleasure.
Buddy and Zoey
I wandered around the backyard, first focusing on the ground directly in front of my feet,as I needed the visual proof of what was around me. The sound of one of my dogs nearby, sniffing something of interest, reminded me of their presence. This caused a slight wave of relief to roll over my chest.
Last Year’s Leaf
I looked around at the trees and took note of a couple of dead leaves scraping along the ground in the wind. There was a fairly steady flow of traffic on the road out in front on the house so instead I headed further into the back of the property. I wanted to avoid the street to keep the dogs away from traffic, but I also wanted to avoid the stares from passersby, strangers to me, curious to see this outsider who was here in their town this weekend.
Zoey and Buddy, Bay Roberts, NL
I maintained the general route the dogs were taking, zigzaging all around yard with them until the shivering from cold was too much for my burning back to endure. I had accidentally left my jacket at home, tossed over the back of a chair … 5 hours away. Still not wanting to go inside I went in and added another hoodie to my current outfit then took my mother in-law’s red blanket from the couch. Now here I am, in the backyard, attempting to soothe my body as much as possible.
These attacks are draining.
Buddy BuddyZoey
I need to get ready for this evening. Attending this 60th birthday celebration is far outside of my comfort zone. But I feel obligated to be there. We don’t make it to see David’s family more than a few times a year and his family is very important to him. I would never stand in the way of that. Having had such an episode (I honestly don’t know what else to call it. Breakdown, maybe? Meltdown? Crash?) take place recently, David didn’t want to leave town without me. So I agreed to make the trip to his hometown for his mom’s birthday.
First I need to make space to breathe in some calm and exhale the overwhelm, as I sit here in the beautiful outdoors.
A person can have faith and still question. A heart can be broken and still love. A soul can be tired and still hope. A mind can be dark and still dream.
I’m here to show you that different is beautiful! ♡♡
That means you get to make mistakes, to learn, to grow, to make more mistakes, and learn from those too! This is how you gain wisdom!
I’ve been thinking about why some ppl change throughout their lives while others remain stuck. Why can 2 ppl both be in therapy for years and one grows, matures and heals while the other one spends their life stuck in their story?
I’ve been reading some studies on this very topic and they say that those of us who stay stuck stay in our heads, and we can re-traumatize ourselves by telling the same story over and over again. This keeps us surrounded by our shame. Not one person has ever healed through shame. This is so incredibly true for myself! I keep over intellectualizing my pain and trauma. I’ve been in therapy FOR YEARS and have learned so many facts about trauma. I’ve picked apart countless things that have happened to me. While this has made me much more aware of why things are the way they are in my life, it hasn’t helped me fix it.
My problem is that I’ve never allowed myself to feel the pain in my body. It has remained trapped, rolling around in my head. I can talk about things and stay just dissociated enough, to be able to think about it without feeling it. I can write in brutal detail about traumatic moments of my life but have no emotion. I can also accurately describe something in nature, beautiful scenes and breathtaking sunsets but I struggle to feel it in my body.
My journey towards coming into my body has been brutally slow and frustrating, often feeling as if I’m moving backwards. Baby steps, they say. Small steps, one at a time, letting things trickle as opposed to flooding, is easier for my nervous system to maintain. Emotions are hard for me, and even the positive ones require small doses. It gets overwhelming quite quickly and then I shut down. But I do believe I am able to do this, step by step. Seeing further than the very next moment isn’t easy without becoming overwhelmed, but the next moment is the only thing I need to worry about right now.
I’m not giving up. I deserve to feel in awe at the morning sunrise and joy when I hold a friend’s baby. It’s also OK for me to feel angry when I see someone bullying another person and to feel sad if someone hurts my feelings. It’s all part of being human.
And I’m giving myself permission to be human! I don’t want to be a cold, mechanical robot anymore!
I’ve spent my entire life believing I’m not smart. I sort of “know” I’m smart, at least in some ways, but I usually still feel “stupid.”
Maybe what’s happening might be a form of an emotional flashback? Feeling young and vulnerable, operating from the same emotional mindset and with the same emotional tools as I did when I was a child? Possibly.
But another part of it is just good old fashioned conditioning. If we’re told over and over again that we’re stupid, we start to believe it. Repetition works its way into our brain, whether or not we initially believe what’s being repeated.
When the people SENDING the message that we’re “stupid” are people who have known us a long time, maybe who even share our name and DNA, maybe people we were dependent upon for years … it becomes REALLY hard to truly test or second guess that message.
The thing about the belief that I’m not smart is, there’s no way to really disprove it. Not to my satisfaction, anyway. Someone can point out lots of ways that I seem gifted or talented, and I’ll just counter that stuff by saying it doesn’t count.
Is that what a “mental filter” is? The thing where we decide that the good stuff about ourselves “doesn’t count” for various reasons … but all the bad stuff, well, of COURSE that’s all true. Is that what a mental filter is?
It’s all a bunch of BS in my opinion.
Smart people get treated like they are stupid every day. It has nothing to do with intelligence. It often has to do with someone’s desire to control us by lowering our self-esteem.
A part of healing, I think, is to consider the possibility that maybe, possibly, we ARE smart … that the people who told us we weren’t maybe had some other agenda.
Someone asked me if I am happy. Wow. What a loaded question!
I’ve spent most of my life guarded by a self built wall. I had to, in order to protect myself.
Except, while it did keep a lot of things from getting in hurting me any further, it kept everything out – including happiness.
That wall caused me to shut down. I truly thought it was the only way to live. But I was wrong. It’s not the way to live at all. Being isolated and shut down is no life.
I have a lot to give. Not just to others, but to myself as well.
I can’t do that though while surrounded by what, at one time, was my protection. Now, it has become a self-imposed prison.
It’s time to take it down and let myself out. But more importantly, to let something in.
You did not come this far for nothing. I promise you. And deep inside your heart, you know it too.
Yet all the setbacks and all the obstacles and all the dark paths you have faced along the way make you question if you have truly made any progress at all.
Do you remember at the beginning when you could barely see the next moment? Now look at you.
You have grown. And taken chances. And fallen. And gotten back up.
And i think that if you were to be honest, you would admit that occasionally when the light shines just so onto your bedroom walls, you can see a glimmer of something. Something that wasn’t there before.
A dream, perhaps. Or a heartbeat that rises up from a place you never thought you had. You are not just trying. You are doing this.
And every step forward is a step in the right direction. Keep going darling. You’ve got places to go.
Remember, in order to get there you have to actually be here. So don’t throw in the towel just yet. Just you wait and see. Your sunshine is on its way. It won’t keep raining forever.
Despite my runny nose, sore throat, and hacking cough my heart feels full. The sun is beaming here today. The birds are out enjoying every second of it. While I watch some of them from my kitchen window I also see drops of water fall from the roof, indicating the temperature outside has reached a whopping +10°c. It’s the warmest temperature we’ve had so far in 2024.
The weather man on the local news is saying that tomorrow it will be plummeting to -13°c. That’s quite a drop. Ouch. My mood often fluctuates with the weather, especially this time of year. This back and forth, from hopeful excitement back to depression, will probably be my pattern over the next couple of months as Mother Nature grapples with whether to hold on or let go of this brutal winter.
Yet its an amazing time, hope filling the dark crevices of my soul. Even though the freezing days remind me of my dark moods, I feel a sense of hope glow internally. It may be just a small glimmer but it’s there.
26. Can you whistle? Slightly. I can make a sound but that’s about it 27. Where were you born? Grand Falls, NL Canada 28. Any Surgeries? 2 (repair of shoulder following a traumatic arm amputation. And a knee repair) 29. Piercings? 6 30. Shower or bath? Shower 31. Last song you heard? Amazing Love 32. Broken bones? Cheek bones, nose, chin, 5 fractures along my spine, 2 toes 33. How many TV’s in your home? 2 34. Worse pain? Recovering from a car accident was brutal from a physical standpoint. But the worst pain I’ve ever felt was deep within my being. Mental illness was destroying my mind as well as my body and I was crying out to God to let me die. That is a pain unlike any other. 35. Do you like to sing? Yes 36. Are your parents still alive? Yes 37. Do you like to go camping? Love it!! 38. What do you binge watch? All the medical drama shows … 9-1-1/Grey’s Anatomy/The Good Doctor/New Amsterdam etc 39. Favorite Pie? Oooohh. That would definitely have to be cherry 40. Favorite time of day? Sunrise. The darkness is leaving and a new day is dawning 41. Chocolate or vanilla? Definitely vanilla 42. Have you ever been on a plane? Yes. I flew to Ontario to a rehab center then flew back home several months later, clean, sober, and alive! 43. What did you want to be when you grew up? A social worker 44. What is the best job you ever had? I absolutely loved working as an early childhood educator at a local daycare and preschool center 45. Favorite movie? Girl Interrupted 46. Christmas or Halloween? Christmas all the way!! 47. What color is your toothbrush? Purple 48. Bad habits? Skipping meals, not opening mail right away, ignoring the signals my body sends me 49. Last person you hugged? David (husband) 50. What is one thing you could talk about for hours? My dogs!
Her Complex Musings 
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