We all have thoughts fluttering around in our minds, whispering the most absurd and brilliant things a human brain could be capable of. But when your mind is sick, the whispers become screams. They are noise that draws our attention away from reality. This noise leads to despair.
Often I found myself wanting to let go and yell back at the things inside my head. It seems as if its the only thing I can do –
join the noise.
🦋
I caused a fire Friday evening. I was bbqing chicken and I came inside to get some bbq sauce. I noticed that one of my plants was drooping as I walked by. It needed to be transplanted to a bigger pot. So I went out back to see what I had. I picked one and then went to wash my hands. I figured I’d use the bathroom while I was there. When I walked out I saw David run past the kitchen window and then I saw it …
The entire BBQ was engulfed in flames and the cushion on the patio chair was burning. I froze. David ran past me and grabbed the fire extinguisher. He managed to contain the fire and we didn’t have to call 9-1-1. Thankfully! It would have been embarrassing to have the fire dept at the home of one of their firefighters, because of a careless mistake like that.
It shook me up quite a bit. The worst is how bad I feel about putting David through that. Mind you, he was amazing! He had been out in the backyard when he smelled the smoke and he acted. Whereas I froze. He knew exactly what to do and he did it without hesitation. And he didn’t freak out at all. He was panicky and out of breathe but he didn’t get mad at me in the slightest. Afterwards he hugged me and said ‘it’s ok, everyone is ok’.
But I feel extra bad because 3 days before this David was called to the scene of a house fire not far from our house. It was late at night and someone’s shed caught on fire. They were in bed. The fire spread to their house. The pager went off 8 times. 8 ppl called 9-1-1 about the fire. They lost everything. The men were at the scene for 8 hours, putting it out. One of their neighbors has smoke damage and the other house also caught fire but it was contained before they lost anything.
Since that night I’ve noticed David doing little things that tell me he was quite affected by it. I saw him checking the date on our fire extinguisher one evening. I noticed he checked the battery in our bedroom smoke detector when we were getting ready for bed. He also reminded me to unplug my hair straightener.
Then I go and almost catch our place on fire …..
I’ve often said that my being so easily distracted is going to cause an accident one of these days.
°°°○o ☆ o○~☆~○o ☆ o○°°°
Reading is so friggin frustrating. Books used to be my escape. Growing up I was an avid reader. I never went anywhere w/o a book and I usually had more than one going at a time. There’d be one in my bedroom that I’d be reading, I’d have another that I’d carry around with me and I’d read a few pages whenever I had a few minutes to spare, and then I’d have a 3rd that I would read at night in the bath. I’d soak in a hot bubble bath and read until the water went cold. When I was in high school that’s how I’d also do my studying for exams. And I’d have no trouble whatsoever keeping the storylines straight when switching between books.
Now I can’t even keep focused on one and I hate that. I’d give anything to be able to pick up a book and read like that again.
I love books. The smell of the paper when you open a book for the first time. Mmmm. One of the best smells ever! But reading is super frustrating. It could be a book or an article online. Blog posts. Anything really. Unless it’s something I am extremely interested in. Then I can soak up every single word. But generally, reading is a real challenge.
I will read the page, but after I get to the bottom of that page I realize that I was thinking about something else and didn’t really read the page even though I was reading. I know, sounds stupid.
So, I read it again. I read a few sentences and by the time I get to the bottom of the page … same friggin thing. So I read it over again … concentrating this time. But I get distracted by the fact that I am concentrating …
By this point, I have read, and absorbed maybe half of the page. This is no exaggeration. In fact, this is more of a watered-down version of actual events.
Like seriously. Something so simple as reading a book is such a frustrating thing for me. I have a shelf, lined with books waiting to be read and all I can do is avoid them.
They merely serve as a reminder of yet another thing that is extra difficult for me.
My mind is constantly shifting, switching from one thought to the next, one memory to the next, one daydream to the next. I admire ppl who can focus on one task at a time and are able to lead productive lives.
I’ve been so frustrated lately with my inability to focus. I find my mind growing full of ideas for blog post topics. I wanted to make writing a central activity in my daily life once Christmas had settled down. I intended to turn writing into a therapeutic practice as well as a hobby. I love writing but I usually lack the motivation. So I decided to put my focus into growing this blog.
The only problem is that I’ve gone from unmotivated and lacking direction to becoming almost borderline obsessed with collecting ideas. I find myself super aware of things around me, even more than usual, as I search for things I can write about that would bring growth and add depth to this site.
See the thing is … while I haven’t been officially diagnosed with ADHD, I have undergone some testing and it has revealed that I do fall on the spectrum. The problem though is that the psychiatrist who I’ve been with is not at all open to the possibility of a new diagnosis. Despite having official testing done by a well respected psychologist, who did multiple different types of clinical tests to see where I am with regard to current diagnosis and other potential diagnostic possibilities … and even though she presented the findings in a written report to the psychiatrist, he was still unwilling to even consider the possibility of a new diagnosis.
Now in saying that, a diagnosis is merely another label. While it has added to the confusion I have about my identity as an individual, having a diagnosis that is agreed on by all the professionals is not completely necessary. It would certainly help me a great deal, that’s for sure! But I already KNOW I have a big problem with distraction. And focusing on one thing at a time is really difficult for me. I don’t need a diagnosis of something to know that.
But you know, I don’t think its a lack of attention that’s my problem. Quite the opposite actually. I feel like I have too much attention. I notice more than my brain is able to fully process at one time. I’m frequently distracted, yes. But not because I can’t pay attention. Its because I’m paying attention to everything. It seems like I hear more and see more and just notice more in general, than other ppl do. And that makes it super hard to fully focus on any one specific thing since I’m being distracted by all the other things that are coming at me at any given time. I have more attention than I know what to do with.
I have no idea if that makes any sense to you who is reading this because I’m trying to make … oh look! Squirrel!!
Oops. Sorry about that. So um, yeah. Where was I? Oh yes. So, I’m trying to make sense out of all of this myself to be quite honest. But if you agree/disagree or even relate in any way, feel free to leave a comment below and share your own thoughts about this topic! I’d love to hear what you have to say about this!
Her Complex Musings 
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