After spending the last month in hospital on a psych unit, I’m in my own home tonight. I thought often of writing about my experiences while I was there but each time I would just stare at the blank screen and think things like …
Who really wants to hear about a hospital, much less a psyc unit full of crazy ppl?
What if I’m oversharing?
What if ppl start to look at me as a crazy person now?
Someone who knows me in real life might recognize me and then everyone in town will know things about me and will never look at me the same way again.
You get the idea. So I have not written anything in a month. I’ve kept myself locked up and silenced because of shame. Well, you know what? Screw everybody! I don’t care what ppl think!
Me and Buddy
Sorry, that’s not very nice of me. I don’t mean that. I really do care what ppl think. I care too much. That’s the problem.
I need to be a little selfish and think of myself sometimes. Particularly about writing. I love to write but I’m so focused on other ppl and what they think that it prevents me from genuinely expressing myself, both in real life and online. I want to work on changing that. I want to write from my heart. I want to be genuine and honest and tell things the way I want to tell them, without shame.
I just want to relax a bit and be myself. I want to let go of the shame and judgment. I truly am my own worst enemy.
Some days you just gotta give in. Self-care today has consisted of a whole lot of nothing. No make up. No hair styling. An old pair of ripped jeans. (Which we all know are the best anyway) And an old baggy sweater. I’ve had slippers on over my fuzzy socks and a blanket has been kept within reach.
I am both mentally and physically exhausted. It’s day 4 or 5 of this recent CRPS flare. I’ve lost track, as the days and nights have kinda blended into one another. Chronic pain can be brutal on any level. But these flare-ups of Complex Regional Pain Syndrome push things to a whole different level.
My body can’t regulate it’s temperature. I go from shivering to sweating and back again in the blink of an eye. Even a light sensation of something against my legs or feet feels like razor blades slicing through my skin. I feel like my upper body is currently wrapped tightly in barbed wire with electricity shooting through it.
Up until last night, I have been pushing through, not letting the pain slow me down. But while picking up dog toys around the house before bed, nausea swept over me and the vomiting started. It was a long night of trying to lay still and keep my breath regulated because each time I moved I’d throw up.
So today, I was forced to prioritize rest. Maybe I should have done this before. But I guess in the back of my mind I just feel that by resting, I’m letting the pain win. I keep hoping that it will all be OK and will go away again in a day or 2. Except I should know by now that these flares never go away that quickly.
Rest is hard for me. Especially during the daytime. But I have to say that I actually enjoyed having this down time today. My boy was by my side (and my head!) all day. There’s such a profound level of comfort that comes with having a dog next to me. It puts my entire self at ease when I feel the warmth from their body against mine.
I ate without putting too much focus on good vs. bad food. I treated myself to some diet pop and chewed bubble gum like there was no tomorrow. Netflix took a chunk of my afternoon once I got caught up in a series called Cobra Kai and while I did do laundry, it still sits in the basket waiting to be folded. But hey, at least it’s clean!
Days like this require a lot of self-talk. Constantly needing to tell myself that it’s perfectly OK for me to rest, that it doesn’t mean I’m a fat, lazy, slob. Maybe this wasn’t actually an unproductive day. But rather a day where repair took place. Maybe even a little healing and restoration. Because my pain level has dropped from an 8 this morning to about a 4 or 5 here now at 9pm. So I must have done something right!
We took our Buddy boy to the vet yesterday. It was a different animal hospital this time. We’ve been less than pleased with the service from our regular vet clinic in recent months so we reached out for a second opinion.
Right eyeLeft eye
Well, what I thought would be a simple eye exam and some new medication to treat this ongoing eye infection, turned out to be way more. $843 to be exact. I’m just grateful to have had the money available on my visa. The entire experience at that animal hospital yesterday was top-notch. From the time we walked in the door we felt welcomed. The girls at the front desk were so friendly! They gave Buddy treats (and sent us home with 2 FREE bags of them) and one girl was down on the floor with him, giving him snuggles and ear rubs. Buddy was relaxed and at ease right from the start. He tends to have high anxiety where he pants and sometimes shivers, but there was none of that!
Sitting contentedly, watching another doggy leaving with his mom and being very curious about the 6 week old rescue kitten bundled up in a towel in a woman’s arms.
So, long story short, Buddy has a rare type of severe bacterial infection in both eyes, that’s made up of 3 different bacteria strains. They did a swab to check for infection and found this out. Because it’s rare, the swab is being sent to a lab in Nova Scotia to determine which combo of antibiotics will treat it. It will take 1-2 weeks to get results back. While we’re waiting he’s on Prednisone drops (steroid) to reduce inflammation.
He also has cataracts in both eyes. I’m livid that no one told us this, despite having 3 eye exams already at the other clinic. She said that unfortunately it’s progressive, which means the cataracts will gradually grow bigger and multiply and he could potentially lose his entire eyesight. In humans they do surgery but in order to get that for dogs we’d have to travel to PEI to see an optometrist. There’s an animal hospital there that performs eye surgery.
Being curious about the voices on the other side of this door
But … he’s 8 years old, and overweight. A trip like that and to undergo such a surgery would do more harm than good. Right now she said that he’s seeing ok, except there’s a big black spot in his line of vision. It didn’t happen overnight and it’s something dogs adapt very well to. He probably doesn’t even notice the fact it’s there because it’s been gradual. But, it will continue to progress. This chronic inflammation and infection needs to be cleared up because it is causing the cataracts to grow and spread faster than they should. The pressure level in his eyes was also high so she checked for Glaucoma but that was negative. Hopefully that pressure will drop down again once the infection is under control.
She then went on to say he has quite a few symptoms of diabetes. Drinks a lot more water than most dogs, is overweight, has cataracts, has high eye pressure, and the lumps/fatty cysts he has over his body are really concerning. The previous vet told me I was overreacting and to not worry so much when we brought him in about 3 golf ball-sized lumps on his chest and ribs. So ….. off he went to get bloodwork and a urinalysis.
If I stare at it long enough, maybe this door will open!
David and I went there hoping that this vet took us seriously about his eyes but she was INCREDIBLE!! She was very thorough and clearly wanted the best outcome from him and she didn’t mind taking the time to do that. She told us to leave, go get lunch, and come back in an hour to go over the results and treatment plan. They even offered to keep BOTH Buddy and Zoey there if we wanted to go in somewhere to sit down for lunch. We took them with us though because I didn’t want to leave them there in a kennel, but it was super nice of them.
Such a good boy!
Boodwork came back … no diabetes!!! Thank God. His white cell count was elevated but that’s from the infection. Also, a few things showed up with his kidneys. And his urine was extremely diluted. Similar to plain water. He should be flushing out more toxins. So there are 2 rare medical conditions that he might possibly have which would explain everything but it requires further investigation. We have to measure his water intake over 24 hrs, 2 separate times. And we need to get an early morning pee sample to bring in. Which we’ll do when we go for my next pain treatment. She’s wondering if he has what’s called Diabetes Insipidus (different from sugar diabetes).
“”Diabetes insipidus (DI) is rare in dogs, and is characterized by excessive thirst/drinking and the production of enormous volumes of extremely dilute urine. Some dogs may produce so much urine that they become incontinent (incapable of controlling their urine outflow). The irony of this disease is that despite drinking large volumes of water, the dog can become dehydrated from urinating so much.””
Being comforted by Dad, after being poked and prodded
She told us that she’s only had 2 dogs in her career with it. But she’s the ideal one to treat it because she has it herself! She told us to NEVER restrict his water intake, especially until we figure out if he has it. He can become dehydrated even with regular water intake, and it could become deadly. She said she herself has to take medication for hers and if she misses it, in less than 3 hours she’s shaking and vomiting from dehydration, even if she drinks water. It’s very scary. It has to do with the pituitary gland not producing enough of the ADH hormone.
So, that’s where we’re at. We have pet insurance on them so we should get reimbursed for 50% of our vet bills. It’s still incredibly expensive. We’ve had several vet visits for him already this year (plus several with Zoey) and each time it’s been over $200. It’s adding up fast! But my are my world and we are going to do whatever it takes to have them healthy and happy.
So tomorrow morning I’ll start measuring his water. Then in a few days I’ll do it again then call in the numbers to the vet. Then they’ll check an early morning pee because it SHOULD be more concentrated. But if it’s still very diluted it will be safe to say that he has Diabetes Insipidus and will require medication for the rest of his life.
We’re also switching both of them to a high-fiber diet. She approved of the food we feed them. But prescribed a powder that we can add each day to increase the fiber. Or we could go with prescription food. Which she said is incredibly expensive. The powder was recommended because we already feed them with a vet recommended food.
My head is still spinning from all of this. But, one step at a time, one breath at a time. Hopefully the eye swab cultures come back soon and we can get him on the proper antibiotic to clear it up.
I had such a lovely day on Thursday and I slept a solid 6 hours, in bed, the night before. It has been ages since that has happened! I’ve been feeling bad about having such a limited supply of energy lately and not having the motivation to go out and do things. As a wife and a dog mom, as a human in general, I have been failing miserably. I haven’t been able to engage much because the majority of my mental energy is being spent on keeping myself alive.
So I reached out to my Aunt, who lives on the other side of the bay, and asked if they were going to be home and if it would be OK for us to go over to take the dogs out swimming. The beach has been gross here lately, full of green algae, and definitely not an ideal place for Zoey to be in the water. So I packed up a bag with a few towels, 3 bottles of water (one for each dog and David) and a bowl for them to drink from, sunscreen and off we went.
Zoey
Zoey’s excitement as we were walking down to the beach brought tears to my eyes. Buddy loves the beach but hates the water. He refuses to even get his paws wet. He’d rather explore, especially with all the different smells in an unfamiliar place. Zoey ran ahead and straight out in the water, jumping over the small waves as they came towards her. It felt like my heart was going to burst. It doesn’t take much to make me happy.
The temperature was perfect. Not too hot, with a slight breeze. And there was literally only one small cloud in the sky. It was the perfect shade of blue as far as the eye could see. I tried my best to take everything in and notice whatever I could, using all of my senses, because these moments don’t happen very often and I really wanted to remember this. I chose that particular location because of the sand. A lot of the beaches here in Newfoundland tend to be a bit rocky, making it difficult to walk with my balance issues, but this area was lovely.
Buddy
Zoey splashed along the shoreline in the water. Buddy zigzagged around us with his nose to the ground, taking in whatever scent he could. And being a beagle, a breed known for their hunting capabilities, he was in doggy heaven. And David and I walked for a while, holding hands, engaging in some random small talk.
Then he looks at me and says, “You should put your feet in the water. It’s not cold at all.” I looked at him and laughed. I was wearing jeans. “I’m not getting wet,” I said. David had shorts on and flip flops and had already walked in the water a little, getting his feet wet. “Just roll up your jeans. You’re wearing sandals anyway. Its ok if they get wet. They won’t be long drying.” I shook my head and continued walking along the sand.
Zoey (look at that smile!)
We were quiet for a while but I kept thinking about what he’d said. Lots of ppl love putting their feet in water. In movies I see ppl sit on the edge of pools or on the side of wharves, dangling their feet over the side. I’ve watched countless ppl walk along the shoreline, with the water covering their feet. It’s a normal thing lots of ppl do. So why does it seem like such an absurd thing for me? Why is it something I’m not allowed to do? What makes it so scary? Why does the thought of me doing something that others consider ‘fun’ fill me with so much discomfort in my body?
I had no answers and that bothered me. And I had no valid reason to not allow myself to walk in the water. All I knew was that I felt scared. The shame spiral began and my inner critic let loose, telling me how useless I was. Saying I was stupid and childish and a waste of space.
But I surprised myself this time. “Stop,” I said. Somehow I had found my voice and it took me a second to realize that I had said it out loud. It had been directed at the spiraling thoughts in my head but David stopped walking. I hesitated then bent down and began rolling up the leg of my jeans.
David’s flip flops
I don’t have the words to adequately describe how it felt to walk out in that water but I hope I never forget it. It’s like all of my problems just disappeared for a little while and I felt connected to something much greater. I smiled. I laughed. And at one point I even cried because I was so overwhelmed with something that felt good. I can’t label different emotions very well, other than it being either good or bad. But this felt absolutely incredible!
And Zoey … oh my goodness. It’s bringing tears to my eyes here now just writing about it. When she realized that I was in the water her excitement was almost too much for her to contain and she got the ‘puppy zoomies’. She ran circles around us, in and out of the water, jumping over the waves, then Buddy started chasing her around on the beach, and they were barking, and David and I just stood there laughing. Like, it was absolute pure joy surrounding all 4 of us and I don’t remember the last time I felt something like that.
Zoey
They say that salt water can cure almost anything. And I believe it. I’ve used salt water many times over the years to help promote healing in various physical ailments. But this was on a whole different level. The salt water may have only covered the lower part of my legs and feet but it felt like healing took place somewhere deep within my soul. It’s like, deep down inside, all of the broken and shattered parts of me felt … loved. I don’t know any other way to describe it.
And the little drops of salty water that fell from my eyes when I looked to the sky were my heart’s way of saying Thank You. Because it was as if God himself had wrapped His arms around me and said, ‘I got you’.
Its been such a beautiful day for a road trip! We are in Bay Roberts for the night to attend our Goddaughter’s first communion tomorrow morning.
June 8th, 2024
♡•♡•♡•♡
The weather was beautiful. We took our time. No rushing necessary today. We set up the backseat of our car so that the dogs would have a comfy trip. Their dog bed covers the entire back seat perfectly so whenever we are going to be in the car for a while we bring it along.
There was nothing out of the ordinary about this trip. But Buddy’s anxiety was through the roof the entire 5 hours we were on the road. We made a stop pretty much every hour to let them get out and have a short walk and a drink. Zoey was great. Not much of a sound out of her all day but Buddy trembled for more than half of the trip and spent most of it in my arms. I’ve never seen him upset Ike that because he loves being in the car.
Buddy, trying to make his way into the front seat
Overall it’s been a good day. The sun has been food for my soul and the colors of this evening’s sky were sheer perfection. These are the kind of days that give me strength to want to wake up again tomorrow.
If I die before my dogs, let them see my body. Let them understand death, for if they feel my death they can cry for me. If they don see me again they will think I abandoned them and will continue waiting for my return. If I die before my companion, let them say goodbye to me. Dogs are an endless friendship, loyal friends, a part of life AND a reason to exist! ❤️🐾
We have this chair in our kitchen, that sits behind our table, in front of the window. We call it the dogs’ chair. It was put in that spot specifically for them. From the chair they can see the beach and watch the occasional person out for a walk. They see the front of the house. The patio. In order for someone to come to the door they have to walk past that window. They also have full view of our driveway.
They can watch the birds when they land on the railing. Soon I will put the bird feeder out, that attaches to the outside of the window. It’s one of my favorite things. To be on the inside and watching the various little birds eating from it is a true privilege
I was just going through and deleting pictures from my phone and came across these from last month. I walked into the kitchen and this is how they were sitting. I’m assuming Buddy had wanted to sit in the chair but Zoey was just too dang comfortable to move. So she didn’t. Guess Buddy got impatient with her and decided to sit there, no matter what.
I admire Zoey (yellow lab). She is a great, big sister. So much patience! Because I highly doubt that I’d just stay there if someone came and sat on me!
The family has gone to the rec center to decorate for the birthday party tonight. I opted to stay home with the dogs. They’re here beside me, soaking up all the different sounds and smells.
In-law’s backyard
Chronic pain is wreaking havoc on my body today. Despite being fully recovered from being crushed in a car crash in 2010, my left leg throbs with pain. From the base of my skull to lowest part of my back, burning, lava like sensations flow in all directions. It too has recovered, from the same crash, having been broken in 5 places. It once rendered me immobile but I proved medicine wrong and within a year I was walking again. But the cell memory remains intact and sometimes pain pulls me under. Especially in times of high stress. And today is one of those days. But I know that this too shall pass.
Having accepted that I can’t do and be like everyone else today, I’ve resolved to breathe and be gentle to self as much as possible. After everyone had left though, anxiety wrapped it’s ugly hands around my throat and with one quick gasp I began to hyperventilate.
My body trembled … sounds faded away as a high-pitched ringing appeared in my right ear. The intense pounding of my heart was making it almost impossible for air to reach my lungs. The pounding echoed through my skull. An overwhelming sense of terror seeped into every pore on my body, causing my limbs to go stiff with fear. I couldn’t breathe … I was being smothered. Where am I? This is not my house. I am not safe here … I HAVE TO GET OUT!
Frozen with fear
Suddenly, I didn’t know where I was. I heard something being whispered inside my head … he’s here. I felt my body begin to tingle, sending a shiver right through my very core. I had a sudden urge to rip at my skin with my fingernails.
I was losing it. My connection to reality was slipping away and I was drifting into another time and place. I was back in an experience that I didn’t want to remember. In someone else’s house. Under someone’s watch. Being stared at …
Mixed Reality
My current surroundings are unfamiliar and therefore intimidating and I think it triggered an emotional flashback. Being alone in this house gives me a very unsettling feeling and I felt like I was being watched. That feeling of someone staring reminded me of something else. And the thing about a traumatized brain is that it can’t tell time. Feeling this way today brought forth a memory of a previous time when I was being watched. It was not a pleasant memory and my body reacted as if this was that same time.
With both dogs at my feet, both recognizing the shift in my energy, we stepped outside where the cool air worked it’s way into my lungs. The change in temperature and lighting brought me back to now. 2024. My in-law’s house. It’s a safe house. This backyard is safe. Zoey and Buddy are just a few feet away. Look at them. It’s 2024. Its just the 3 of us. You’re OK …
The birds are chirping. I pick out at least 3 different songs being sung. Several little ones fly up from the ground at the sound of my footsteps and into a nearby evergreen, causing its current inhabitants to flutter off to the next tree. I scan the whole yard for potential areas of danger and once I felt relatively confident it was ok, I looked down at Zoey and Buddy and told them it was ok to go play. Off they ran, overjoyed with canine pleasure.
Buddy and Zoey
I wandered around the backyard, first focusing on the ground directly in front of my feet,as I needed the visual proof of what was around me. The sound of one of my dogs nearby, sniffing something of interest, reminded me of their presence. This caused a slight wave of relief to roll over my chest.
Last Year’s Leaf
I looked around at the trees and took note of a couple of dead leaves scraping along the ground in the wind. There was a fairly steady flow of traffic on the road out in front on the house so instead I headed further into the back of the property. I wanted to avoid the street to keep the dogs away from traffic, but I also wanted to avoid the stares from passersby, strangers to me, curious to see this outsider who was here in their town this weekend.
Zoey and Buddy, Bay Roberts, NL
I maintained the general route the dogs were taking, zigzaging all around yard with them until the shivering from cold was too much for my burning back to endure. I had accidentally left my jacket at home, tossed over the back of a chair … 5 hours away. Still not wanting to go inside I went in and added another hoodie to my current outfit then took my mother in-law’s red blanket from the couch. Now here I am, in the backyard, attempting to soothe my body as much as possible.
These attacks are draining.
Buddy BuddyZoey
I need to get ready for this evening. Attending this 60th birthday celebration is far outside of my comfort zone. But I feel obligated to be there. We don’t make it to see David’s family more than a few times a year and his family is very important to him. I would never stand in the way of that. Having had such an episode (I honestly don’t know what else to call it. Breakdown, maybe? Meltdown? Crash?) take place recently, David didn’t want to leave town without me. So I agreed to make the trip to his hometown for his mom’s birthday.
First I need to make space to breathe in some calm and exhale the overwhelm, as I sit here in the beautiful outdoors.
Her Complex Musings 
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