Tag: challenges

She Always Knows

A Girl In A Complex World

Sometimes it’s a dog that fills the void.  The room feels so different when she isn’t in it.

People come and go and they will repeatedly let you down. They make promises they can’t keep, love you – but with conditions, and leave when things get hard. But a dog? A dog just stays. No questions, no demands. She’s just there, filling the empty spaces you didn’t even realize you had growing inside you.

It’s strange, isn’t it? How something so small can take up so much room in your life?

Well no, not strange. It’s just … rare. The kind of love that doesn’t ask for anything but still gives you everything in return. The kind that’s always there when you need it most, and somehow, without a single word, it reminds you that you are worthy of being loved.

Zoey, my 9-year-old yellow lab, is lying beside me in my hotel room tonight. She’s bringing a desperately needed sense of calm to my anxious nervous system. I have been in and out of fight, flight and freeze all week. We traveled 5 hrs today and checked in to a hotel for the night. In the morning I have an appointment for a special medical test that can only be done in this particular hospital.

I am an amputee. I lost my left arm in a car accident 10 yrs ago so I have been living with just one hand. Last week I seriously injured that hand and it has had devastating consequences. Life changing. I am looking at partial to full loss of use of the full hand and wrist, which would strip me of most of my independence.

I’m scared. This test tomorrow will determine which type of surgery they will be performing and whether or not it can be repaired. There are a lot of unknowns and the fear is trying to strangle the life out of me.

But as I lay here with my girl beside me, listening to her deep relaxed breathing I am reminded to take a deep breath of my own. I realize that there’s nothing I can do tonight other than rest. Worrying is only causing more suffering. Tomorrow will come and I will face each challenge as it comes. So for now, I’m going to pause and appreciate the presence of my beautiful furry companion.

I’m going to reclaim my peace tonight as I allow the love of my dog to calm the fear and anxiety within me. With no questions or demands, I know Zoey will bring comfort to my hurting soul.

She knows. She always knows.

■ The Mask I Wear ■

A Girl In A Complex World

by A.W Ellis


They say I’m strong, they see me smile,
“A beacon of grace,” they said for a while.
They nod, they cheer, “You’re doing so well,”
But inside, I’m trapped in my own private hell.

The world keeps spinning, I play my part,
But grief carves scars deep in my heart.
My laughter sounds hollow, my words feel fake,
Each breath I take in is a chore to make.

They see the mask I’ve carefully drawn,
A veil of strength to greet the dawn.
But behind the facade, the truth resides,
There’s a storm of sorrow I cannot hide.

The nights are lonely, my tears run free,
I speak to shadows no one can see.
My whispers are silent, filled with words I can’t say,
Its a weight I carry every single day.

I wish they knew, I wish they’d see,
This pain that’s silently drowning me.
To share my truth, though, it feels far too stark,
So I’ll just wear my mask and sit in the dark.

Strong, they call me, but thats definitely not true,
I’m just surviving, like all people do.
One day, perhaps, the mask will fade,           if I could just find peace in the life that’s remade.

I Don’t Feel The Same Way You Do

A Girl In A Complex World


Identifying how I’m feeling has always been difficult for me. Although I must admit, I have come a long way in that area in recent years. In the past if you had asked me at any given point how I was feeling I wouldn’t have been able to answer you. I lacked not only the vocabulary necessary to describe the feelings but also the introspection. I had no concept whatsoever of emotions, what they were, or how they felt. I also had no idea that emotions also come with bodily sensations and could actually be felt in the body.



I have a much better understanding these days of feelings, though it’s not something that comes naturally. My first response to how I’m feeling is still the usual “I don’t know”, but I am learning how to pause and go inward. I take a moment to investigate and I can usually come up with something that somewhat describes my current emotional state.

Something else I also struggle with is identifying emotions and facial expressions in other people. I misinterpret a lot and it has led to many misunderstandings. I get insecure about not being able to pick up on emotions in other people so I observe, and I use what I see to figure out what the other person is feeling. The problem with that is that more often than not, I’m wrong. That slight shift in a facial expression does not always mean what I think it does. A raised eyebrow may make me think that the other person disapproves of something I said but that might not be the case at all. The other person may in fact be impressed, surprised, or even intrigued by what I had said.


For a long time I didn’t even know I struggled with emotions. I just thought I didn’t have very many. I’m almost always “OK” if you were to ask. It seems like that’s all I ever knew how to be. I couldn’t identify sadness, joy, excitement, contentment, and certainly not anger. I’ve spent my life so detached from myself that I had no idea these things even existed in me. Growing up I experienced a lot of unwanted emotions and as I got older they seemed to have just flattened out. I stopped feeling the varying intensities and the window of what I could actually feel grew extremely small.

So here I am, at the age of 42, realizing that I don’t know what it actually means to feel a certain way. And I have a very low tolerance for anything that takes me away from “OK”. Sitting with a feeling is a fairly new concept in my world and it’s turning out to be one of the most excruciating things I’ve ever experienced. My system jumps into high alert whenever I sense any sort of emotion inside of me. Whether my heart rate begins to speed up from excitement, fear, anticipation, lust, pain, joy, or whatever else may come up, my brain reacts in a way that propels me towards behaviors that shut it all down. I am working on this though.


A few weeks ago my therapist used the word alexithymia to describe one’s inability to identify and describe emotions. It is a word I had never heard before. I had no idea that my difficulties with emotions were something that other people out there experience as well. I thought it was just another thing I was bad at. One more thing on my never-ending list of character flaws. Something else that other people do with zero effort but requires so much work on my part. Another complexity. Another failure. Another fault.

But I’m beginning to realize that’s not the case at all! Alexithymia is a real thing that is not a character flaw! It’s not because I’m too stupid to understand emotions. It’s not because I’m an air-head, or that I’m dumb, or careless. It’s not because I’m a cold-blooded person who has no heart. It’s something that’s actually more common than I realized. So much so that it has warranted a label of its own.

So I just want to say that if you’re reading this and you find yourself relating to my experience in any way, I encourage you to do a little reading about alexithymia. It might very well help you understand why you feel (or don’t feel) the way that you do. There are a few websites in particular that I found really great at explaining it. I don’t usually post outside links here but if you are interested, feel free to ask and I will gladly share. It could open up a door to a completely new way of seeing things! Please be gentle with yourselves today. You all deserve it!

🦋

You Can’t Judge An Illness By How A Person Looks

A Girl In A Complex World

I have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome and I don’t look sick. But every day my body is in varying degrees of  pain.

In 2010 I was in a pretty devastating car crash. It turned my life upside down – literally. Among other injuries, I had my back fractured and I lost my left arm. But it was the damage from the frostbite on my feet that eventually led to a diagnosis of CRPS several years following the accident. Since developing this chronic illness, pain is something I’ve come to know on a very intimate level.

Complex regional pain syndrome – CRPS – is one of the most painful conditions known, registering a staggering 42 out of 50 on the McGill pain scale. That is worse than the pain of the amputation of a finger or toe with no anesthetic, which registers as 40 out of 50, and it is said to be worse than childbirth.

The most excruciating part is that the pain is long-term, most likely a lifelong thing. CRPS is known as the world’s most painful incurable condition. In the United States, it is referred to as the “suicide disease” because so many people resort to suicide as the only means to escape it.

Another difficult part is that CRPS is not a well-known disease. I have encountered medical professionals who don’t know what it is and I have had to explain my diagnosis to them. They often have a hard time believing the pain is as severe as I describe it. They don’t believe me that it feels like there is barbed wire wrapped around my legs. But you seem to be walking ok, they said. Or, you look like you are doing well. I can’t tell you how frustrating that part is.

So I stopped describing what my pain truly felt like to me. I don’t say that it feels like there are a hundred ice picks stuck into my spine. Instead, I just say my back burns. It seems to be more accepted that way. Which I have to admit, feels quite invalidating. In my experience, the more graphic (and accurate) the description of my pain is, the less likely I am to receive adequate treatment. So I often dial back my pain complaints. It tends to make friends and family question it’s validity because I look great!

So I repeat it again – you cannot judge an illness by how a person looks.

🦋

Time Is Funny Like That

A Girl In A Complex World

Do you ever wonder if you’ll ever get over it? Yeah, me too.

Chances are, if it was something that ripped your soul in half, it’s gonna leave a mark.

No. You won’t forget it.

Will you get over it? Maybe not.

But you will get through it.

Because time is funny like that. It drags you along, kicking and screaming, whether you like it or not.

Warrior In The Making

A Girl In A Complex World

You are a warrior!

You’re not crazy. It has all been real, and it stretched you, and at times, it has felt as if it would even kill you.
Their words broke your heart.
Their actions broke your trust.
That injury broke your body.
That illness broke your hope.
That circumstance broke your spirit.
BUT GOD…
He came to overcome it all.
And guess what?
It never broke you!
It challenged you, and it LOST!

You’re still here. You’re not “just” a survivor. You’re a fighter. You’re a warrior. And yes, you may be covered in scars, but they are scars of deaths defeat! Your scars have become a memoir of your  journey, and they tell ONLY a story of triumph!

You see, they don’t see you the same way anymore, because a warrior was birthed from the destruction and fires in your life! What was meant to kill you, didn’t and while some keep judging you for starting over, others are clapping because you never quit! You went into the flames covered in life’s grit, but came out of the fire polished in Gods grace!

The abuse, the pain, the anxiety, the bullying, the fear, the anguish, the doubt, the worry, the crushing, the pulling, the words, the moments, the days and the years – were real, but so was your strength and resilience. You did it. You survived everything they said you wouldn’t! You are still standing, and you are a WARRIOR!

Major Anxiety

A Girl In A Complex World

A lot has happened over the past week. My uncle passed away which meant I had to go back to my hometown, which happens to be at the top of my list of least favorite places on earth.

The 2 days I was there have stirred up a lot of unwanted crap, bringing on a stream of anxiety. I’m drowning in waves of it. Just when I get myself back to baseline, my body stops trembling and I allow myself to take a breath, the air gets stuck in my throat and I start gasping again.

Too much. It’s too much.

The Complexities of Reading

A Girl In A Complex World

Reading is so friggin frustrating. Books used to be my escape.  Growing up I was an avid reader. I never went anywhere w/o a book and I usually had more than one going at a time. There’d be one in my bedroom that I’d be reading, I’d have another that I’d carry around with me and I’d read a few pages whenever I had a few minutes to spare, and then I’d have a 3rd that I would read at night in the bath. I’d soak in a hot bubble bath and read until the water went cold. When I was in high school that’s how I’d also do my studying for exams. And I’d have no trouble whatsoever keeping the storylines straight when switching between books.

Now I can’t even keep focused on one and I hate that. I’d give anything to be able to pick up a book and read like that again.

I love books. The smell of the paper when you open a book for the first time. Mmmm. One of the best smells ever! But reading is super frustrating. It could be a book or an article online. Blog posts. Anything really. Unless it’s something I am extremely interested in. Then I can soak up every single word. But generally, reading is a real challenge.

I will read the page, but after I get to the bottom of that page I realize that I was thinking about something else and didn’t really read the page even though I was reading. I know, sounds stupid.

So, I read it again. I read a few sentences and by the time I get to the bottom of the page … same friggin thing. So I read it over  again … concentrating this time. But I get distracted by the fact that I am concentrating …

By this point, I have read, and absorbed maybe half of the page. This is no exaggeration. In fact, this is more of a watered-down version of actual events.

Like seriously. Something so simple as reading a book is such a frustrating thing for me. I have a shelf, lined with books waiting to be read and all I can do is avoid them.

They merely serve as a reminder of yet another thing that is extra difficult for me.

Breaking Rules

A Girl In A Complex World

I suck at baking. It’s such an exact science, unlike the art of cooking, which is more lenient. Yes, I know there are extremely precise recipes for cooking food. There are also very simple recipes for baking.

Baking is generally exact though. To get the perfect version of a chocolate chip cookie, you must use x amount of baking soda, x amount of butter, x amount of flour, x amount of sugar, x amount of egg yolks/whites etc. But if something doesn’t taste right when cooking, you can add more salt, add some lemon juice, add something that will even the scales. Adding things while baking could cause it to fall apart  – literally.

You need to follow the rules when baking. Maybe the reason I usually suck at baking is because I don’t like to follow the rules.

Interesting thought.

Squirrel!

A Girl In A Complex World

My mind is constantly shifting, switching from one thought to the next, one memory to the next, one daydream to the next. I admire ppl who can focus on one task at a time and are able to lead productive lives.

I’ve been so frustrated lately with my inability to focus. I find my mind growing full of ideas for blog post topics. I wanted to make writing a central activity in my daily life once Christmas had settled down. I intended to turn writing into a therapeutic practice as well as a hobby. I love writing but I usually lack the motivation. So I decided to put my focus into growing this blog.

The only problem is that I’ve gone from unmotivated and lacking direction to becoming almost borderline obsessed with collecting ideas. I find myself super aware of things around me, even more than usual, as I search for things I can write about that would bring growth and add depth to this site.

See the thing is … while I haven’t been officially diagnosed with ADHD, I have undergone some testing and it has revealed that I do fall on the spectrum. The problem though is that the psychiatrist who I’ve been with is not at all open to the possibility of a new diagnosis. Despite having official testing done by a well respected psychologist, who did multiple different types of clinical tests to see where I am with regard to current diagnosis and other potential diagnostic possibilities … and even though she presented the findings in a written report to the psychiatrist, he was still unwilling to even consider the possibility of a new diagnosis.

Now in saying that, a diagnosis is merely another label. While it has added to the confusion I have about my identity as an individual, having a diagnosis that is agreed on by all the professionals is not completely necessary. It would certainly help me a great deal, that’s for sure! But I already KNOW I have a big problem with distraction. And focusing on one thing at a time is really difficult for me. I don’t need a diagnosis of something to know that.

But you know, I don’t think its a lack of attention that’s my problem. Quite the opposite actually. I feel like I have too much attention. I notice more than my brain is able to fully process at one time. I’m frequently distracted, yes. But not because I can’t pay attention. Its because I’m paying attention to everything. It seems like I hear more and see more and just notice more in general, than other ppl do. And that makes it super hard to fully focus on any one specific thing since I’m being distracted by all the other things that are coming at me at any given time. I have more attention than I know what to do with.

I have no idea if that makes any sense to you who is reading this because I’m trying to make … oh look! Squirrel!!

Oops. Sorry about that. So um, yeah. Where was I? Oh yes. So, I’m trying to make sense out of all of this myself to be quite honest. But if you agree/disagree or even relate in any way, feel free to leave a comment below and share your own thoughts about this topic! I’d love to hear what you have to say about this!

Challenges Don’t Always Have To Be Setbacks

A Girl In A Complex World

Embrace each and every challenge that you face as opposed to running for dear life in the opposite direction. Be curious. Take a step back and observe. Then proceed to use it as an opportunity to gain valuable insight and skills. Challenges don’t always have to be setbacks.

Danielle Broomfield

I’ve been home from the hospital for a while now. Things are going ok. I’ve learned some things over the past 2 months and I’m trying to incorporate so&me new ways of coping throughout the day. For example, drinking water is a problem for me. Dehydration is a common occurrence and it causes me to feel so dragged out and just blahh overall. But in the hospital I was given meds multiple times a day and of course, I had to drink water. So I’ve been using that as an opportunity to drink now that I’m home as well. Spreading my medications out over the PROPER times, setting alarms on my phone to remind me and then drinking as much as I can tolerate when I take the meds. Sometimes it’s just a few sips while other times I’ve been able to get down a full glass. Its a simple thing for most ppl – to drink water. But as a person who struggles immensely with drinking any type of fluids, and considering its a necessity for life, its something I have to put work into. So I have been. I want to be well. I want to feel well.

Living inside my head is just downright exhausting sometimes. Small things turn into major hurdles. Its rare for me to have a moment of silence. I mean, who else actually stands, holding a bottle of water, and cries because you know your body is screaming out for it but your mind is just screaming right back, yelling obscenities. I have recently found myself yearning for stillness though, for silence. With the constant 24/7 chatter when I was in the hospital and then all the things that came with the holidays, I find it hard to even think sometimes. So I am trying to take a few minutes here and there to just be still. It has actually been good for my anxiety. Anything that helps reduce the anxiousness I often feel is definitely a tool worth holding on to.

Challenges don’t always have to turn into setbacks. I have a tendency to trip up very easily. Even the smallest challenges have the potential to bring about a full blown relapse. That’s why I’m trying to really hard to stay on top of everything right now. Its a really stressful time of year, for everyone, and less than 2 months ago I almost died. Every tool I think of is being used to pull myself through this christmas. Yep. It’s definitely challenging. But its not going to set me back!