Tag: depression

I’m (not) OK

A Girl In A Complex World

This song hit me like a ton of bricks last night. See, I have this thing about always saying I’m ok. If I was on the floor, crying, and bleeding I would still look up at you and tell you that I’m ok. It seems like those are the only 2 words that exist in my vocabulary sometimes.

So last night I was in a pretty dark mood and instead of seeking out positive things to draw out a lighter mood, I was like … screw this DBT stuff. I was angry but no idea why. And the sadness was so heavy that it was almost tangible. I opened up youtube and just started going from one song to another and then this one started playing.

It amazes me how music can so accurately speak for me when the words aren’t there. At the beginning of every session my therapist asks me how I am doing and my automatic response is … I’m okay. Every. Single. Time. Because I don’t have the words to accurately answer her question. To be honest, I don’t think I know how to be anything other than ‘okay’.

So for now, I’ll let the lyrics of this song say it for me. And while it plays quietly in my ear I’ll just keep smiling and telling you … I’m okay.

Tonight the monsters in my head
Are screaming so damn loud
But I built walls so high
So they never even make a sound

It’s a mask, it’s a lie
It’s the only home I’ve ever known
‘Cause being who I really am
Has only left me more alone

I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
The reason I keep quiet
With so much at stake
I always feel like a burden, let it silence me
You’ll never understand
Why it’s so hard to say
I’m not okay

I wish I had a scar
Had a bruise on the surface, any kind of proof
That everything I feel is more than just some sad excuse

My life’s invisible abuse
I’m either judged or have to hide
The only symptom you can see
Is I don’t wanna be alive,

I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
The reason I keep quiet
With so much at stake
I always feel like a burden, let it silence me
You’ll never understand
Why it’s so hard to say

I’ll never have the words, I can’t explain this hell
But what if it kills me
If I keep it to myself?
To myself

I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
I am not okay
I am not okay
I’m never safe
It’s not a phase
If I finally break
Would you still stay?

The Fighter Inside Of You

A Girl In A Complex World

People don’t realize how much courage it takes to keep yourself from sinking into the dark pit of self hatred and negativity. To mentally remove yourself from a painful situation. To pick up all of your pieces from the ground, trusting that this process will eventually heal your wounds.

I know you’re feeling drained and exhausted right now, but you have to keep believing that things are going to get better.

I know you’re soul is tired, you’re mentally drained, and emotionally you feel broken, but the fact that you’re still breathing says a lot about that fighter inside of you. She’s still in there.

You’re allowed to be tired, but you must learn how to rest without giving up. You’re a work in progress and you have a future waiting for you.

So please hold on for just a little bit longer. I know you can do this!

Reset and Recharge

A Girl In A Complex World

You must understand that sometimes there will be days that you’re not in the mood to talk to anyone, even if it’s your family and your closest friends.

You will want to ignore talking in person, on phone calls, on text msgs, even on social media.

Not because you don’t care and not because you’re in a bad mood either but because sometimes your mind and body will just crave silence.
Sometimes, your soul will need silence for you to figure things out.

I want you to know that if you find yourself spacing out and distancing yourself from everyone it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad or mean person. You’re a human and it’s okay if you have a meltdown. Life can be a lot and sometimes it just becomes too much. You don’t owe anyone any explanations for choosing to prioritize what your soul needs and deserves.

Do what you have to do to reset and recharge then get back up and go again.

We got this!

These Voices In My Head

A Girl In A Complex World

I wrap the blanket tighter around my chest
And whisper to myself …
I am strong
I am beautiful

I dream of the woman I wish I could be
Strong and confident
Happy and …
Free

I don’t recognize myself today
This person in the mirror staring back at me …
Where did she come from?
Is that …
Me?!

I’m fighting voices in my head
Telling me that I’m not enough
I’m not pretty, and I’m broken
I’m not worthy of love
The voices in my head are telling me
To give up

But I keep fighting.

Words …
They can cut so deep
Why do I care so much what people think?
I wonder who I’d be if I didn’t have these insecurities
I don’t know what to think
Losing control of reality

Fighting voices in my head
Telling me that I’m not enough
I’m not pretty and I’m broken
I’m not worthy of love
These voices in my head
Shouting at me to give up

Silently I scream
Stop it!
I can’t take another minute
Going crazy with all this chaos

I tell my head to stop
And listen to my heart
And my heart says …

I’m DONE
With those voices in my head
I KNOW that I am enough
I am pretty, I’m not broken
I AM worthy of love

Time to give it up
Voices in my head …
Just shut up.

I am strong