If you can dream with a damaged mind and love with a broken heart, then you deserve every beautiful thing this world has to offer you.
Tag: faith
Have Mercy
You’re gonna need to help me out today, God.
If anyone in my life needs encouragement today, it can’t come from me because I am in need of the same thing. I just can’t blow sunshine up anyone’s ass today, Lord, so I ask that you send them whatever it is that they need, please.
If it is possible, can you also please remind me that millions of other human beings through history have lived through worse situations than me and still managed to make art, and find joy, and give hope and resist despair? Could you do that for me today?
In fact, send us all a little reminder that we can suffer and still be ok. May our faith be stronger than our fear.
And help us remember to drink some water. My body really needs some hydration.
In other words, have mercy on us.
Amen
Be Gentle
Another restless night, tossing and turning, yearning for relief from the pain that’s raging in both legs and head. The demon of pain strikes much harder when vulnerabilities are high.
Tired.
Emotionally drained.
Quesy from a day of unhealthy erratic eating.
Cold.
Be gentle …
The demon of self contempt emerges from the shadows, tempting me to engage in the game we so often play. He pounces on me. Stupid! Fat pig ... More derogatory comments about being fat and choosing a Dairy Queen ice cream over black coffee. WEAK.
My quivering voice whispers, “Be gentle …” in return.
Be gentle …
You precious soul. I see you. I feel your pain. Breathe through it. I am with you.
Demons become angry, cursing me for allowing the presence of gentleness. Get out, they growl. How dare you show up here NOW. You’re too late. The damage is done.
Grief comes out of the shadows. Too much has been lost, she weeps.
Anger bursts forth, with vengeance. DON’T you dare give in. Gentleness doesn’t belong here.
Be gentle …
Out of the shadow creeps memory. Thoughts of the nightmare start toppling over one another. My body shivers and shakes, building momentum by the second.
Be gentle …
Fire shoots at me from the demon of harm. New pain sears it’s way into the flesh of my upper thigh and I gasp, breath catching in my throat.
Be gentle…
You darling child. I see how much it hurts. Here, hold my hand. Give me that flaming dagger. Let it go.
“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me.” (Psalm 23)
Heavenly Father sits beside me on the cold tile of the bathroom floor and together we watch the demons fade into the darkness at the sound of His voice.
Be gentle.
You Can Suffer And Still Have Faith
You can have depression and still have a strong faith.
You can have anxiety and still have a strong faith.
You can be overwhelmed with what’s happening in your life and still have a strong faith.
You can be overcome with grief and still have a strong faith.
It’s important we don’t use faith to minimize someone else’s pain or life experience. Yes, there are thorns, but that doesn’t mean my faith is any less. Faith doesn’t cure things. It won’t take away suffering and make everything all better. But it does bring strength.
So when you see someone who is struggling, don’t assume their faith is weak. Some of my lowest moments have been when my faith has been its strongest.
God? I’m Scared.
Me: God, I’m scared. I’m trying so hard not to be, but I am.
God: I know, my child. Do you want to talk about it?
Me: No, not really. Besides, you already know everything. Talking isn’t going to change it.
God: Let’s talk about it anyway. We’ve done this before.
Me: I know. I’m just so tired. I should be stronger than this. I can’t seem to get anything right.
God: *waiting patiently, never annoyed.*
Me: I’m just so tired. I’m never going to figure out how to live and manage all this. Its too much. I’m scared that I’m going to crack under all this pressure. My heart has never felt so broken before. I’m afraid that my attempts to recover are actually going to be what kills me. I’m afraid that I’m not strong enough to cope with it all. I’m afraid of the things I’m having to process in therapy. I’ve spent years acting as if my nightmares are just that – things in my imagination. I have tried so hard to make it all go away. Its what my whole life has revolved around. But all that energy put into avoiding has been for nothing because here I am, having to stare it straight in the face.
God: Anything else?
Me: EVERYTHING ELSE.
God: Remember the other day when the smoke alarm was beeping in the kitchen and Buddy came running across the house?
Me: Yes.
God: When you heard him running, you started calling out to him before he even got to you … remember? Do you remember what you called out to him?
Me: I said, “You’re okay! You’re okay! Mommy’s right here.”
God: Why did you call out to him? Why didn’t you just wait until he got to you?
Me: Because I wanted him to know that I was here, and I heard him, and he didn’t have to be afraid because I was right here.
God: Exactly. I hear you, my child. I hear your thoughts racing like Buddy’s little puppy feet down the hallway. There’s another side to all of this and I’m already there. I’ve seen the end of it. And I want you to know that as you walk through all of this, you’re going to be okay. I haven’t turned my back on you. I’m right here. I always was and I always will be.
Me: *crying* Can you just wait here with me for a while until I calm down? Can you hold me and cover me in your peace before I go back to facing it all again?
God: There’s nothing I’d love more. ❤
How My Hope Was Restored With A Shooting Star
I don’t have the vocabulary to be able to adequately describe what I am feeling right now. There are simply no words that could do justice in explaining what’s in my heart.
Today was a good day. They’ve been few and far between lately but today the positives just seemed to accumulate, and for that, I am ever so grateful.
Now tonight … it’s hard to even breathe because I am just so overwhelmed. I love nature. I love being outdoors. I live with salt water mere feet from my doorstep. And I love summer nights. Lately, though, I have been so full of darkness that there has been little room for much else. My craving for peace and calm has been so intense that it has morphed into a physical ache.
Tonight as the day came to an end, I felt myself being quickly swallowed up by the darkness once again. I went out and sat on the back patio, to take in a few moments of fresh air before calling it a night, and the sky was incredible. I turned off all the outdoor lights on the house and positioned my chair to get the best view. I sat back and was simply in awe.
The stars were brighter than I ever recall seeing them before. Not a cloud in the sky, just hundreds and thousands of tiny sparkling lights. The longer I sat there on my patio in the dark, the more overwhelmed I felt. Sheer gratitude to be able to sit and see such beauty, with the sound of the light waves on the beach in the background. To be living and breathing and seeing and hearing is a blessing I am so often guilty of taking for granted.
I thanked God, for reminding me that no matter how dark things may appear, there’s always something beautiful waiting for me to experience. I am 42 years old and in my entire life, I’ve just seen one single shooting star. But tonight, in 2 hours, I witnessed 11 of them. ELEVEN!!!! It was like watching a screensaver on a computer screen.
I feel renewed. I feel refreshed. I feel … hopeful. My cries of desperation seemed to fall on deaf ears lately but I’m now reminded that things are not always as they seem. I believe I was given the opportunity to have this experience tonight so I could be reminded that God never turns a deaf ear to me. Not one tear that has fallen from my eyes has gone unnoticed. And that even though my mind has been full of so much darkness lately …
hope still remains
He Heard Me
Yesterday evening was rough. Anxiety had been raging through my body all day and my mood was all over the place. I was pretty discouraged. But it was a beautiful evening and I had been out in the garden. My pain level was quite high and I was close to tears. I sat back in my chair on the patio and I was looking up at the sky. Talking to God, I was telling Him how I could really use a dose of encouragement.
There was a notification on my phone and it was a pastor friend of mine. We began chatting and I shared a bit of what was going on. In between texts I was resting my head against the back of the chair, looking up at the sky. I noticed a long white jet trail stretching out above me. And when I looked closer I saw another trail beginning. I watched the jet make it’s way across the sky, soaking up the beauty of the evening sunset.
I’ve seen many jets in my lifetime, flying high in the sky, but what I witnessed yesterday was like a personal sign from God. The thought came to me … beauty still remains, you just need to look closer. It moved me to tears. The colors of the sky at that precise moment along with the fresh jet streams running above me were such a sight to behold.
I was reminded, in more ways than one, that I am not alone even though it felt that way yesterday evening. I was reminded that in the midst of struggle, beauty remains. Between the words coming to me from Linda and the view stretching across the sky above me, I was encouraged.
Which is what I asked for.
It felt nice to be seen and heard.
🦋
Just A Prayer Away
In my deepest, darkest moments, what really gets me through is a prayer. Sometimes my prayer is ‘Help me.’ Sometimes it’s a ‘Thank you.’ What I’ve discovered is that intimate connection and communication with my creator always gets me through because I know my support, my help, is just a prayer away.
Symphony
Sometimes it’s hard to breathe
All these thoughts are shouting at me
Trying to bring me to my knees
And it’s overwhelming
Darkness echoes all around
Feels like everything is crashing down
Still I know where my hope is found
It’s in You.
You say You’re working everything for my good and I believe every word
‘Cause even in the madness, there is peace
Drowning out the voices all around me
Through all of this chaos
You are writing a symphony
Tune my heart to Your beat
Let me be Your melody
Even when I cannot see.
You orchestrate it
Even when the darkness surrounds
You’ll never let me drown
I know that my hope is found
In the name of Jesus.
And even in the madness, there is peace
Drowning out the voices all around me
Through all of this chaos
You are writing a symphony.
I want to truly know if You compose beautiful music though
From all my unruly notes.
The distance is dissonance.
You erased the scales from my eyes
Then played the scale of my life
Chaos played out with chords in accord
With the source prevailing through strife.
I’ve tasted suffering
I’ve been embraced by the painful buffering
I’ve been bound by doubts, so loud right now
But a melody is made when you play these rusty keys.
So we all gotta get pressed
And tuned up like instruments
I know life’s tempo is set
So I must remember this …
That even in the madness, there is peace Drowning out the voices all around me Through all of this chaos you are writing a symphony
A symphony.
Author Unknown
Warrior In The Making
You are a warrior!
You’re not crazy. It has all been real, and it stretched you, and at times, it has felt as if it would even kill you.
Their words broke your heart.
Their actions broke your trust.
That injury broke your body.
That illness broke your hope.
That circumstance broke your spirit.
BUT GOD…
He came to overcome it all.
And guess what?
It never broke you!
It challenged you, and it LOST!
You’re still here. You’re not “just” a survivor. You’re a fighter. You’re a warrior. And yes, you may be covered in scars, but they are scars of deaths defeat! Your scars have become a memoir of your journey, and they tell ONLY a story of triumph!
You see, they don’t see you the same way anymore, because a warrior was birthed from the destruction and fires in your life! What was meant to kill you, didn’t and while some keep judging you for starting over, others are clapping because you never quit! You went into the flames covered in life’s grit, but came out of the fire polished in Gods grace!
The abuse, the pain, the anxiety, the bullying, the fear, the anguish, the doubt, the worry, the crushing, the pulling, the words, the moments, the days and the years – were real, but so was your strength and resilience. You did it. You survived everything they said you wouldn’t! You are still standing, and you are a WARRIOR!
♡ Different Is Beautiful ♡
♡♡ I’m here to show you –
A person can have faith and still question.
A heart can be broken and still love.
A soul can be tired and still hope.
A mind can be dark and still dream.
I’m here to show you that different is beautiful! ♡♡
Growing
You did not come this far for nothing. I promise you. And deep inside your heart, you know it too.
Yet all the setbacks and all the obstacles and all the dark paths you have faced along the way make you question if you have truly made any progress at all.
Do you remember at the beginning when you could barely see the next moment? Now look at you.
You have grown. And taken chances. And fallen. And gotten back up.
And i think that if you were to be honest, you would admit that occasionally when the light shines just so onto your bedroom walls, you can see a glimmer of something. Something that wasn’t there before.
A dream, perhaps. Or a heartbeat that rises up from a place you never thought you had. You are not just trying. You are doing this.
And every step forward is a step in the right direction. Keep going darling. You’ve got places to go.
Remember, in order to get there you have to actually be here. So don’t throw in the towel just yet. Just you wait and see. Your sunshine is on its way. It won’t keep raining forever.
Its About Much More Than Me
Some days I spend too much time at the computer. Someone’s social media status says they’ve done this or that, or been invited to this, or they’re going to that …
While my world just closes in around me, just a little bit more. It starts suffocating me just a little more, enough to have the air become thicker, making it harder for the oxygen to reach my lungs.
My world has grown incredibly small in the past few years. Much of my socializing takes place from this side of the computer screen.
That’s when I stop, go to the window, and look outside. I see the sun. I open the window and feel the cold wind. I listen to it blowing in across the frozen bay. I remember that everything is so much bigger than me. Life is about so much more than me.
And that’s when I hear it …….
“I delight in you”, the voice whispers. “I celebrate your existence. I see you, and I rejoice, because everything I make is good, and my Son has set you free. So live, My daughter!”
This is my father’s world. And He is here, telling me He’s got a plan for my life that I can’t imagine and He’s got stars which He knows all by name and He’s counted all the hairs on my head. He knows me.
And yet still, he loves me.
♡♡♡
It has been hours and days of deep healing. I have felt things that I didn’t think I was going to survive. I have cried for the parts of me that shiver
alone
in the dark
My heart has ached for that which no longer is while pain wreaks havoc on my bones
Pounding
Tearing
Crushing
Stabbing
My internal being has been shredded into a million pieces and I am in ruins
Collapsed beneath the weight that has been threatening to crush me for years
In my weakness I see pieces of me scattered all around
Nothing left to hold me together
I am building a new version of myself
New and improved
Clothed in dignity
Standing on solid ground
The chains have been loosened. He’s done it again!
Praise to God for getting me through another night.
Hope Is Here
There’s never been a year when I’ve so needed
To see the season come around
To sing the familiar Christmas carols
And see the lights all over town
Because I need to be reminded
In the darkness of these days
That God is not very far away
Hope is here
Love chose to leave His throne
Hope is here
He made our world His home
I hear an echo from the angels saying
Do not fear
Because hope is here.
Hope For Better Days
Take a minute with me, to reflect, breathe, and remind yourself that just because you make mistakes it doesn’t mean that those mistakes define who you are. I just want to make that clear to everyone. None of us are perfect. Everyone experiences challenges and insecurities.
However, the fact that you are still here today after experiencing the depths of your anxiety and loneliness during the night … the fact that you are still getting up every morning … despite all the tears that soaked your pillows while you tried to sleep … the fact that you are still breathing … and the fact that you are right where you are right now …. its all evidence that there is hope for better days to come. You can still become the person that God wants you to be.
Better days are on their way, my friend, better days are on their way.
Her Complex Musings 
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