Sometimes it’s a dog that fills the void. The room feels so different when she isn’t in it.
People come and go and they will repeatedly let you down. They make promises they can’t keep, love you – but with conditions, and leave when things get hard. But a dog? A dog just stays. No questions, no demands. She’s just there, filling the empty spaces you didn’t even realize you had growing inside you.
It’s strange, isn’t it? How something so small can take up so much room in your life?
Well no, not strange. It’s just … rare. The kind of love that doesn’t ask for anything but still gives you everything in return. The kind that’s always there when you need it most, and somehow, without a single word, it reminds you that you are worthy of being loved.
Zoey, my 9-year-old yellow lab, is lying beside me in my hotel room tonight. She’s bringing a desperately needed sense of calm to my anxious nervous system. I have been in and out of fight, flight and freeze all week. We traveled 5 hrs today and checked in to a hotel for the night. In the morning I have an appointment for a special medical test that can only be done in this particular hospital.
I am an amputee. I lost my left arm in a car accident 10 yrs ago so I have been living with just one hand. Last week I seriously injured that hand and it has had devastating consequences. Life changing. I am looking at partial to full loss of use of the full hand and wrist, which would strip me of most of my independence.
I’m scared. This test tomorrow will determine which type of surgery they will be performing and whether or not it can be repaired. There are a lot of unknowns and the fear is trying to strangle the life out of me.
But as I lay here with my girl beside me, listening to her deep relaxed breathing I am reminded to take a deep breath of my own. I realize that there’s nothing I can do tonight other than rest. Worrying is only causing more suffering. Tomorrow will come and I will face each challenge as it comes. So for now, I’m going to pause and appreciate the presence of my beautiful furry companion.
I’m going to reclaim my peace tonight as I allow the love of my dog to calm the fear and anxiety within me. With no questions or demands, I know Zoey will bring comfort to my hurting soul.
I don’t have the vocabulary to be able to adequately describe what I am feeling right now. There are simply no words that could do justice in explaining what’s in my heart.
Today was a good day. They’ve been few and far between lately but today the positives just seemed to accumulate, and for that, I am ever so grateful.
Now tonight … it’s hard to even breathe because I am just so overwhelmed. I love nature. I love being outdoors. I live with salt water mere feet from my doorstep. And I love summer nights. Lately, though, I have been so full of darkness that there has been little room for much else. My craving for peace and calm has been so intense that it has morphed into a physical ache.
Tonight as the day came to an end, I felt myself being quickly swallowed up by the darkness once again. I went out and sat on the back patio, to take in a few moments of fresh air before calling it a night, and the sky was incredible. I turned off all the outdoor lights on the house and positioned my chair to get the best view. I sat back and was simply in awe.
The stars were brighter than I ever recall seeing them before. Not a cloud in the sky, just hundreds and thousands of tiny sparkling lights. The longer I sat there on my patio in the dark, the more overwhelmed I felt. Sheer gratitude to be able to sit and see such beauty, with the sound of the light waves on the beach in the background. To be living and breathing and seeing and hearing is a blessing I am so often guilty of taking for granted.
I thanked God, for reminding me that no matter how dark things may appear, there’s always something beautiful waiting for me to experience. I am 42 years old and in my entire life, I’ve just seen one single shooting star. But tonight, in 2 hours, I witnessed 11 of them. ELEVEN!!!! It was like watching a screensaver on a computer screen.
I feel renewed. I feel refreshed. I feel … hopeful. My cries of desperation seemed to fall on deaf ears lately but I’m now reminded that things are not always as they seem. I believe I was given the opportunity to have this experience tonight so I could be reminded that God never turns a deaf ear to me. Not one tear that has fallen from my eyes has gone unnoticed. And that even though my mind has been full of so much darkness lately …
We took our Buddy boy to the vet yesterday. It was a different animal hospital this time. We’ve been less than pleased with the service from our regular vet clinic in recent months so we reached out for a second opinion.
Right eyeLeft eye
Well, what I thought would be a simple eye exam and some new medication to treat this ongoing eye infection, turned out to be way more. $843 to be exact. I’m just grateful to have had the money available on my visa. The entire experience at that animal hospital yesterday was top-notch. From the time we walked in the door we felt welcomed. The girls at the front desk were so friendly! They gave Buddy treats (and sent us home with 2 FREE bags of them) and one girl was down on the floor with him, giving him snuggles and ear rubs. Buddy was relaxed and at ease right from the start. He tends to have high anxiety where he pants and sometimes shivers, but there was none of that!
Sitting contentedly, watching another doggy leaving with his mom and being very curious about the 6 week old rescue kitten bundled up in a towel in a woman’s arms.
So, long story short, Buddy has a rare type of severe bacterial infection in both eyes, that’s made up of 3 different bacteria strains. They did a swab to check for infection and found this out. Because it’s rare, the swab is being sent to a lab in Nova Scotia to determine which combo of antibiotics will treat it. It will take 1-2 weeks to get results back. While we’re waiting he’s on Prednisone drops (steroid) to reduce inflammation.
He also has cataracts in both eyes. I’m livid that no one told us this, despite having 3 eye exams already at the other clinic. She said that unfortunately it’s progressive, which means the cataracts will gradually grow bigger and multiply and he could potentially lose his entire eyesight. In humans they do surgery but in order to get that for dogs we’d have to travel to PEI to see an optometrist. There’s an animal hospital there that performs eye surgery.
Being curious about the voices on the other side of this door
But … he’s 8 years old, and overweight. A trip like that and to undergo such a surgery would do more harm than good. Right now she said that he’s seeing ok, except there’s a big black spot in his line of vision. It didn’t happen overnight and it’s something dogs adapt very well to. He probably doesn’t even notice the fact it’s there because it’s been gradual. But, it will continue to progress. This chronic inflammation and infection needs to be cleared up because it is causing the cataracts to grow and spread faster than they should. The pressure level in his eyes was also high so she checked for Glaucoma but that was negative. Hopefully that pressure will drop down again once the infection is under control.
She then went on to say he has quite a few symptoms of diabetes. Drinks a lot more water than most dogs, is overweight, has cataracts, has high eye pressure, and the lumps/fatty cysts he has over his body are really concerning. The previous vet told me I was overreacting and to not worry so much when we brought him in about 3 golf ball-sized lumps on his chest and ribs. So ….. off he went to get bloodwork and a urinalysis.
If I stare at it long enough, maybe this door will open!
David and I went there hoping that this vet took us seriously about his eyes but she was INCREDIBLE!! She was very thorough and clearly wanted the best outcome from him and she didn’t mind taking the time to do that. She told us to leave, go get lunch, and come back in an hour to go over the results and treatment plan. They even offered to keep BOTH Buddy and Zoey there if we wanted to go in somewhere to sit down for lunch. We took them with us though because I didn’t want to leave them there in a kennel, but it was super nice of them.
Such a good boy!
Boodwork came back … no diabetes!!! Thank God. His white cell count was elevated but that’s from the infection. Also, a few things showed up with his kidneys. And his urine was extremely diluted. Similar to plain water. He should be flushing out more toxins. So there are 2 rare medical conditions that he might possibly have which would explain everything but it requires further investigation. We have to measure his water intake over 24 hrs, 2 separate times. And we need to get an early morning pee sample to bring in. Which we’ll do when we go for my next pain treatment. She’s wondering if he has what’s called Diabetes Insipidus (different from sugar diabetes).
“”Diabetes insipidus (DI) is rare in dogs, and is characterized by excessive thirst/drinking and the production of enormous volumes of extremely dilute urine. Some dogs may produce so much urine that they become incontinent (incapable of controlling their urine outflow). The irony of this disease is that despite drinking large volumes of water, the dog can become dehydrated from urinating so much.””
Being comforted by Dad, after being poked and prodded
She told us that she’s only had 2 dogs in her career with it. But she’s the ideal one to treat it because she has it herself! She told us to NEVER restrict his water intake, especially until we figure out if he has it. He can become dehydrated even with regular water intake, and it could become deadly. She said she herself has to take medication for hers and if she misses it, in less than 3 hours she’s shaking and vomiting from dehydration, even if she drinks water. It’s very scary. It has to do with the pituitary gland not producing enough of the ADH hormone.
So, that’s where we’re at. We have pet insurance on them so we should get reimbursed for 50% of our vet bills. It’s still incredibly expensive. We’ve had several vet visits for him already this year (plus several with Zoey) and each time it’s been over $200. It’s adding up fast! But my are my world and we are going to do whatever it takes to have them healthy and happy.
So tomorrow morning I’ll start measuring his water. Then in a few days I’ll do it again then call in the numbers to the vet. Then they’ll check an early morning pee because it SHOULD be more concentrated. But if it’s still very diluted it will be safe to say that he has Diabetes Insipidus and will require medication for the rest of his life.
We’re also switching both of them to a high-fiber diet. She approved of the food we feed them. But prescribed a powder that we can add each day to increase the fiber. Or we could go with prescription food. Which she said is incredibly expensive. The powder was recommended because we already feed them with a vet recommended food.
My head is still spinning from all of this. But, one step at a time, one breath at a time. Hopefully the eye swab cultures come back soon and we can get him on the proper antibiotic to clear it up.
Mental illness is so isolating. Your entire life becomes consumed with the illness, with treatment and survival. I find it so hard to be separated from other people and their joy in living. It is like a dark cloud hanging over my head all the time and I don’t want to infect anyone else with it, so I stay away .
I love seeing people happy and enjoying life but it’s like I live on an entirely different planet sometimes. Social media has become bittersweet. It provides me with a much-needed connection to other human beings, but it is also a harsh reminder of all the things I can’t do.
Being intentional about gratitude helps. It takes work. And like anything, it takes practice. The last thing you’re going to want to do when you see pictures of your peers having fun on a family vacation is to stop and be grateful. Especially when you feel like your own life is just a pile of ashes.
But I have to. I have to cling to whatever I can to be grateful for. Its mind over matter sometimes.
I read this analogy and it certainly hit home for me.
So, you’re holding a cup of coffee and someone accidentally bumps into you, causing it to spill everywhere. Why did you spill the coffee?
“Because someone bumped into me.”
Wrong answer.
You spilled the coffee because there was coffee in your cup. If there had been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea. Whatever is inside the cup is what will spill out.
So, when life shakes you up, whatever is inside you will come out. It’s easy to pretend everything’s fine until you’re shook.
So, we need to ask ourselves, “What’s in my cup?”
When life gets tough, what spills over? Joy? Gratitude? Peace? Humility? Anger? Bitterness? Avoidance? A tendency to quit?
In my attempts to incorporate more things into my life that bring me joy, I picked some lilacs from the tree in my backyard and brought them inside. They sit beautifully on my kitchen window ledge. A little dose of nature’s perfume.
Yesterday evening was rough. Anxiety had been raging through my body all day and my mood was all over the place. I was pretty discouraged. But it was a beautiful evening and I had been out in the garden. My pain level was quite high and I was close to tears. I sat back in my chair on the patio and I was looking up at the sky. Talking to God, I was telling Him how I could really use a dose of encouragement.
There was a notification on my phone and it was a pastor friend of mine. We began chatting and I shared a bit of what was going on. In between texts I was resting my head against the back of the chair, looking up at the sky. I noticed a long white jet trail stretching out above me. And when I looked closer I saw another trail beginning. I watched the jet make it’s way across the sky, soaking up the beauty of the evening sunset.
I’ve seen many jets in my lifetime, flying high in the sky, but what I witnessed yesterday was like a personal sign from God. The thought came to me … beauty still remains, you just need to look closer. It moved me to tears. The colors of the sky at that precise moment along with the fresh jet streams running above me were such a sight to behold.
I was reminded, in more ways than one, that I am not alone even though it felt that way yesterday evening. I was reminded that in the midst of struggle, beauty remains. Between the words coming to me from Linda and the view stretching across the sky above me, I was encouraged. Which is what I asked for.
Personally, I think the path to happiness is paved with appreciation for the simple pleasures in our lives. Making this list today reminded me that I am surrounded by a beautiful tapestry of joy. I’m so often blinded by so much darkness around me that I tend to forget that beauty still exists. From the warmth of sunlight to the gentle nudges from my dogs, each thing adds a unique hue to the blend of beauty that resonates within me.
It’s there. Joy does exist. I know there is more to me and my life than darkness, mental illness, pain, and suffering. During a hospitalization, a very rude psychiatrist once told me that I am ‘leaving behind a terrible legacy’. Those were his words. And that has stayed with me. Not exactly the kindest thing to say to a suicidal individual. But, I digress.
During a session with my therapist on Tuesday, she said something along the lines of there being more to me than just being a complex case. So often I’ve been labeled as difficult … unique … challenging … complicated … and my favorite – complex. More often than not it’s all doom and gloom, jumping from one crisis to the next, with me. Ppl don’t think of beauty … or courage … or strength … or determination … and certainly not joy or happiness … when they think of me. So in a way, I guess that psychiatrist was right after all. If I died today, the legacy I leave will not be a joyful one.
So I decided to take some time to reflect on what brings me joy on a personal level. The following list is what I came up with and it has really opened my eyes to be able to see that beauty does exist in my life. My struggles are what others see. And more often than not, it’s what I see too. So if you are anything like me, I challenge you to take a few moments to intentionally think of the things that bring you joy.
But don’t be discouraged. It has actually taken me a few days to write this post because happy things don’t naturally come to mind for me. But if you be patient and intentional I think you will be pleasantly surprised by what you come up with. And please, feel free to leave a comment below and share, even just one thing, that brings joy to your life. Let’s shift the conversation for a moment and flood my blog with beautiful things! We could all use some of that today. 🦋
My relationship with God. I list this first and foremost because other things would not be possible without it. It’s not only a source of joy, it’s my everything. My life revolves around my faith. It’s where my hope, my comfort, and my strength radiate from.
The warmth of sun on my face.
Hearing ppl laughing out loud, especially kids. It’s infectious. When was the last time you heard someone laughing and you didn’t smile in return?
The smell of homemade bread. It reminds me of my Nan.
The way words and harmonies go together to create music. Everything about music brings me joy.
Nature. Anything and everything about nature brings me joy. Especially the awe-inspiring sight of sunrises and sunsets. Each time it’s like watching the Master Artist paint a new picture just for me because at my unique location and position I’m the only one with that particular view.
The talents that some people possess just blows my mind. Witnessing creative expression, whether it be through a song, video, dance, writing, painting, etc That brings me joy.
Being able to perform a random act of kindness. I love paying for the next person’s coffee order in Tim’s drive thru.
The love and affection I receive from my 2 dogs.
Being productive. The sense of achievement I get when I check something off my to-do list.
Dancing. Losing myself in the rhythm and movement of music. Actually feeling the music in my body.
Rainy days. The calming sound of heavy rain on the window. Not the misty, dreary kind of rain. But rather the kind that just pours from the heavens.
Discovering new books. Finding a work of literary art that leaves me wanting more after the last word is read (or heard, as most of my books are in audiobook format these days).
Random encounters. Striking up conversations with strangers that leave lasting impressions.
Hugs. Embracing (and being embraced) by another person and feeling their warmth. I’m not a touchy-feely kind of person but a genuine hug from someone I trust is something I actually crave sometimes and it brings me joy.
Scented candles. I love the soothing ambiance of the flickering flame and the fragrances they give off.
Watching the stars. It’s so enchanting.
Learning something new. Especially when it turns into a hobby. I learned about Neurographic art through a random tiktok video and it has since turned into a wonderful hobby and it brings me so much joy.
Acts of generosity. I love the feeling that comes with helping others.
Animals. No explanation is necessary because everything about animals (especially dogs) brings me joy!
It is in cherishing these things that I find joy and contentment in the midst of the challenges in my life. It is through gratitude that I unlock the doors to genuine happiness, and each day becomes an opportunity to celebrate the blessings that bring light and joy into my life. Fostering an attitude of gratitude is what allows me to savor these moments.
Its been such a beautiful day for a road trip! We are in Bay Roberts for the night to attend our Goddaughter’s first communion tomorrow morning.
June 8th, 2024
♡•♡•♡•♡
The weather was beautiful. We took our time. No rushing necessary today. We set up the backseat of our car so that the dogs would have a comfy trip. Their dog bed covers the entire back seat perfectly so whenever we are going to be in the car for a while we bring it along.
There was nothing out of the ordinary about this trip. But Buddy’s anxiety was through the roof the entire 5 hours we were on the road. We made a stop pretty much every hour to let them get out and have a short walk and a drink. Zoey was great. Not much of a sound out of her all day but Buddy trembled for more than half of the trip and spent most of it in my arms. I’ve never seen him upset Ike that because he loves being in the car.
Buddy, trying to make his way into the front seat
Overall it’s been a good day. The sun has been food for my soul and the colors of this evening’s sky were sheer perfection. These are the kind of days that give me strength to want to wake up again tomorrow.
A single moment where colors hit the right places at the right time and I happened to be there to appreciate that moment. When you are practicing mindfulness, learning how to be present and in the moment, it’s rather amazing the things that you may notice. There’s a world full of incredible beauty beyond our awareness that’s just waiting to be embraced. Being mindful allows us to tap into hidden reservoirs of splendor and delight that are available any time – just look closely.
Nothing fills me with gratitude any more than moments like this. I’ve learned a lot of different lessons in my lifetime yet its always the simple things that I keep going back to. You can strive for all the fame and fortune humanly possible but the moments you spend with the ones who matter most to you will forever be the most valuable things one could ever accumulate in their lifetime. This has become exceedingly evident to me over the past year. Appreciate where you are and what you have b/c in a split second everything can change.
Her Complex Musings 
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