Tag: grief

Dear World

A Girl In A Complex World

Please be gentle with hurting souls as they make their way through the holiday season this year.

Buddy & Zoey

Hurting hearts are walking among us, quiet and unseen. Their smiles seem bright. Their laugh sounds real. They show up for others. All while silently carrying the, often unbearable, weight of grief.

Some will set the table with one less place setting this year. Others will hold a recipe card in their grandmother’s handwriting and feel the ache of her absence all over again.

There will be moments of real joy – followed by the sharp sting of an arrow to the heart when they realize that these new memories being made don’t include the one they really wish was still here.

It’s a strange thing, being human. How joy and grief are forever intertwined.

So if you see a grieving heart, don’t look away. Lean in. Cry with them. Sit with them in silence, if that’s all they can manage. Let your love be louder than their silence.

No, love can’t fix grief.
But it reminds us we’re not alone in it.
And that’s what matters most.

🐾🎄 My little Buddy 🎄🐾

That is the best gift you can give someone this holiday season – your presence.

Grief Is Like Glitter

A Girl In A Complex World
Ashley and I

We don’t always get to choose who we get to love or who it is we’re going to lose, or what breaks our hearts in two … but ya know, no one really dies if the love remains, because nothing that dies really goes away.

Grief is just like glitter. It’s hard to brush away. In the light, it still shimmers, just like it was yesterday. It falls like confetti. All of the memories explode like a hand grenade. It’s sweet, and it’s bitter. So you see, grief, it’s like glitter. And oh, what a mess it makes.

All the hurt and the rage, the what ifs and the prayers on the hardest days. You accept what you can’t change. Some people leave life early, and there are others who get to stay. And our hearts, they burst just like fireworks at the end of the parade.

Grief is definitely like glitter. It’s so friggin’ hard to brush away. Sometimes, like today, it still shimmers like it was yesterday … falling all around me, just like confetti …

And what a mess it makes.

What I wouldn’t give to hug you just one more time …

Dear Beautiful Soul

A Girl In A Complex World

Dear Beautiful Soul,

I see you.
I see how much it hurts. The pain just keeps multiplying and spreading. And yes! How right you are in thinking that the saying “Time heals all wounds” is a big old dirty pile of poo-poo.

You’re right! No one understands. How could they?! It’s frustrating, I know, sweetheart. But it’s not their fault. Nobody else on God’s great earth has walked in your exact footsteps.

So no, they don’t understand the kind of pain that bends you over and brings you to your knees like you were punched in the gut … but 10x worse than that.
They don’t understand the kind of pain that hurts so much it’s wordless and that itself makes it hurt even more because you can’t say it out loud.

Beautiful Soul, I see you. I’ve heard every single time you’ve laughed and I’ve held you every time you’ve cried. How do you think you’ve made it this far?  

Repeat after me: I am going to be ok.

I know you feel safe in the bathroom so stand in front of that mirror. Say it –  again and again and again. That tear-stained face being reflected at you … tell her …

She’s going to be ok.

I am going to be ok.

I AM going to be ok!



Honey, I need you to hear me. LISTEN TO MY WORDS … ! I know it’s scary to trust what anyone says but you and I, we are the same! We are in this together. I am that little whisper you sometimes hear. You told Dr. Jeff about me. You told him that you wish you could hear from me more often and that I would be louder.

Well, here I am! I will become louder the moment you start to listen and trust that I, your true Self, want nothing but the best for you!
I’ve got you.

I know it’s been a horror beyond words. Betrayal doesn’t cover it. Neither does violation. Neither does grief or heartache. No word exists for this kind of thing.

Sometimes it splits you, opens you, and spreads you apart. You find yourself trying desperately to hold together the pieces that are left. It hurts, to not know who you could have been, had things been different.

Except, it wasn’t.

Its time to accept the person you’ve become, and stop trying to be a version of you that only exists in your imagination. Pay attention to the person staring back at you. Love her!

That girl came through a crucible of fire to be standing here today. That girl is a beautiful soul.

■ The Mask I Wear ■

A Girl In A Complex World

by A.W Ellis


They say I’m strong, they see me smile,
“A beacon of grace,” they said for a while.
They nod, they cheer, “You’re doing so well,”
But inside, I’m trapped in my own private hell.

The world keeps spinning, I play my part,
But grief carves scars deep in my heart.
My laughter sounds hollow, my words feel fake,
Each breath I take in is a chore to make.

They see the mask I’ve carefully drawn,
A veil of strength to greet the dawn.
But behind the facade, the truth resides,
There’s a storm of sorrow I cannot hide.

The nights are lonely, my tears run free,
I speak to shadows no one can see.
My whispers are silent, filled with words I can’t say,
Its a weight I carry every single day.

I wish they knew, I wish they’d see,
This pain that’s silently drowning me.
To share my truth, though, it feels far too stark,
So I’ll just wear my mask and sit in the dark.

Strong, they call me, but thats definitely not true,
I’m just surviving, like all people do.
One day, perhaps, the mask will fade,           if I could just find peace in the life that’s remade.

Be Gentle

A Girl In A Complex World

Another restless night, tossing and turning, yearning for relief from the pain that’s raging in both legs and head. The demon of pain strikes much harder when vulnerabilities are high.
Tired.
Emotionally drained.
Quesy from a day of unhealthy erratic eating.
Cold.

Be gentle …

The demon of self contempt emerges from the shadows, tempting me to engage in the game we so often play. He pounces on me. Stupid! Fat pig ... More derogatory comments about being fat and choosing a Dairy Queen ice cream over black coffee. WEAK.

My quivering voice whispers, “Be gentle …” in return.

Be gentle …

You precious soul. I see you. I feel your pain. Breathe through it. I am with you.

Demons become angry, cursing me for allowing the presence of gentleness. Get out, they growl. How dare you show up here NOW. You’re too late. The damage is done.

Grief comes out of the shadows. Too much has been lost, she weeps.

Anger bursts forth, with vengeance. DON’T you dare give in. Gentleness doesn’t belong here.

Be gentle …

Out of the shadow creeps memory. Thoughts of the nightmare start toppling over one another. My body shivers and shakes, building momentum by the second.

Be gentle …

Fire shoots at me from the demon of harm. New pain sears it’s way into the flesh of my upper thigh and I gasp, breath catching in my throat.

Be gentle…

You darling child. I see how much it hurts. Here, hold my hand. Give me that flaming dagger. Let it go.

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me.” (Psalm 23)

Heavenly Father sits beside me on the cold tile of the bathroom floor and together we watch the demons fade into the darkness at the sound of His voice.

Be gentle.

Saying Goodbye To Summer Is Making Me SAD

A Girl In A Complex World

Oh boy. I’m really feeling the effects of the seasons changing this year. It’s like the end of summer has brought about some sort of strange grieving process.

When the alarm on my phone starts calling me up in the morning I open my eyes and with disappointment I discover that there is no sunlight bouncing on the walls now. Daylight is only just beginning to brighten my room. Over the past few months though, I’ve been waking at this same time to fresh, natural light and through the open window I hear the birds singing their good morning songs for me. This morning I was greeted with a chill in the air, that sent a shiver from head to toe, and silence. It will be months and months before my bedroom is bright, and sunny, and … welcoming at 6:00am again.

Upon waking every morning this week, my heart rate picks up speed and nausea rises from my stomach, stopping near the back of my throat just short of overflowing it’s wretchedness into my mouth. Repeatedly I swallow in an attempt to push it back down but it refuses to fully recede. It lingers there well into the late morning, making it difficult to get my daily doses of prescription meds into my body without gagging.

This morning I switched on my therapy light lamp. Does it actually work the way it claims? I have no idea. But it can’t cause any harm. So I will continue to bring as much light to my surroundings as possible. Darkness is not my friend and as I make my way through the next weeks and months I know that there will be much more of it. One can’t fight darkness with darkness. Only light can do that. So whether it be therapy lights, candles, lamps, the fireplace, or strands of twinkling lights strung from corner to corner, I know I need to start fitting it in wherever I can.

I hate this overwhelming feeling of dread that is growing inside of me. Every day it seems to fill another crook or crevice, weighing me down just a little more than the day before. Thoughts fill my head, convincing me that I will not make it through another unbearably cold and nasty winter. That I don’t WANT to make it through … And as the day goes on things feel increasingly pointless and the desire to take an extended nap has become quite appealing.

Then evening comes. As it approaches it brings with it an almost unbearable heaviness in my chest and a sick, unsettled feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. The beautiful colors of the late evening sunsets brought such warmth and peace to my heart over the past months. But now, those same vibrant bursts of color stretching across the sky bring tension and panic to my nervous system. Tears burn my eyes as I reach to turn on the lights inside my house and I angrily brush them away. No!! Not this. Not now. There must be NO tears. My stomach twists, tightening every organ on its way up to my throat, threatening to bring vomit. I swallow, gag, and swallow some more, wishing everything that I’m feeling would just go back down to wherever the hell it came from.

And so it begins. I fear what the upcoming weeks and months have in store for me. For now, the only thing I can think to do is to pull on a hoodie, slip my feet into a pair of fuzzy socks, and give myself permission to feel hugged by their warmth. I will light a couple of candles, take a few slow deep breaths and curl up on the couch next to my husband and fur babies. And as I try to draw whatever comfort I can from their presence I will remind myself that in this moment I am OK. I won’t think about next week or next month or Halloween or Christmas. Because right now, none of that matters. This is the only moment that counts and in this very moment, I am OK.

My Spirit Is Temporarily Heavy

A Girl In A Complex World

My head feels unnaturally heavy. It takes effort to just hold my head up straight. Letting it rest against the back of my chair while I rock brings relief. I feel like I’m stuck inside a cloud of thick fog. Going to different rooms in my house, walking on the beach, out in my garden, even to the shower, it follows me.

Things sound different. Far away. I often need David to repeat himself because I didn’t hear what he said. Music doesn’t sound right unless I’m wearing my earbuds, which I’ve been doing a lot of. Having the loud music playing directly in my ears helps drown out the constant dialog.

The level of pain in my body this evening cannot be described. I just don’t have the words. I feel as if all I can do is sit here and  keep reminding myself to breathe.

This too shall pass.

🦋

On That Day

A Girl In A Complex World
Ashley (left) and Me (right)

I wondered why the clocks didn’t stop
On that day.
My world stopped spinning
When I walked into the bathroom and found you submerged in a bathtub full of bloody water.
I wondered how the rest of the world could keep going
Without you here.
You took a piece of me with you
On that day.
But I forgive you.
I’d forgive you a million times over if it would bring you back to me.

Ashley

Time Is Funny Like That

A Girl In A Complex World

Do you ever wonder if you’ll ever get over it? Yeah, me too.

Chances are, if it was something that ripped your soul in half, it’s gonna leave a mark.

No. You won’t forget it.

Will you get over it? Maybe not.

But you will get through it.

Because time is funny like that. It drags you along, kicking and screaming, whether you like it or not.

Grief Is Complicated

A Girl In A Complex World

Loving someone long term means you get to attend a thousand funerals, for the ppl they used to be.

Ppl are constantly changing. We become exhausted being ourselves so we change. Our opinions, our routines, our hair color, our style, our attitudes, our likes and dislikes … always changing, always evolving. Who you are in this very moment is different than who you were 3 months ago.

We regularly grow out of ourselves. Our spark dies out. And when we see it happening to our loved ones we grieve for them. We miss who they used to be. We long for the parts that made us fall in love with them in the first place. Sometimes the new version is even better than before. While other times we struggle to hold on to whatever we can from the past version because this newly invented person standing before us has no resemblance whatsoever to the one we held so much respect for.

Hundreds of funerals are to be had for one single person. Sparks die, over and over again. It’s up to us to travel alongside our loved ones as they go from each version and to honor what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even brighter flame than before. While other times it will be a mere flicker that temporarily floods the room with a necessary darkness.

I’ve been learning a lot about relationships in recent weeks and have been experiencing a deep sense of grief. I miss the man my husband was when we first met. I miss the man I married 13 years ago.  My heart aches for the past versions of him that are no longer alive. But as I grieve for that which is no more, I feel a slight jarring in my soul as I realize …

Maybe this is an opportunity to fall in love all over again.

I am reluctant, I admit. But am also holding on for dear life, too afraid of the unknown to let him go. I need him. I don’t want to be alone. It’s selfish of me, I know. Even though he hurt me in the worst possible way I still don’t want to let go.

Darn it. Grief is complicated.

Yearning For Safety

A Girl In A Complex World

Oh, how I wish self compassion wasn’t so hard for me. It’s like my brain purposely goes against it. It doesn’t come natural. There’s a part of me that tends to speak in a compassionate way yet she gets knocked down repeatedly. Kind words spoken to self makes the demon mad.

When things are quiet in my mind and I sense safety in my body my thoughts are more productive, kinder towards myself, hopeful, truthful, encouraging,  calming … they’re healthy. But more often than not my system is fired up. I yearn to feel safety but it’s a very rare thing for me.

I try and make the best of what I have. But the slightest little thing pushes me into high alert and my system begins firing threat signals. A sound, a smell, a cell phone notification, a car door, a movement, a bodily sensation … these things all crush my sense of safety and my body takes over. My heart rate shoots up, trembling overwhelms my body, sleeplessness haunts me at night and exhaustion plagues me by day.

I want solitude. I want healing. But it’s so far out of reach that it’s a waste of time to even try.

Yet … that still, small voice whispers, hold on. 

Holiday Blues

A Girl In A Complex World

          Christmas was … different … this year. I usually enjoy the overall feeling of the season but its like that christmassy feeling was non-existent this year. I don’t know if its because I was in the hospital or maybe its because my pain level has been so high, but December month brought a lot of sadness.


          A different kind of sadness though. The kind where it felt as if my heart was literally aching. I found myself frequently holding back tears. There’s been such a deep yearning in my soul. A longing for things I dont have and can’t do. Its the kind of sadness that comes with grieving for a lost loved one, wishing you could have just 5 more minutes with them. Except no one has died. It’s a sadness that reaches right down to my core.


          All the hype about the holidays portrays big, happy families gathered around each other, enjoying lots of food and presents, baking cookies, decorating trees together, small children full of excitement, couples building snowmen and having snowball fights, shopping and buying all sorts of things, and so on. All the images say we should be happy. But what about those who have no family near them and they have very small social circles? Or those who are unemployed and can’t afford to buy things for anyone outside of their immediate family? What about couples going through a divorce? Or those in abusive relationships and live in fear of saying the wrong thing? And, what about those who are not able to have children of their own?

Enjoying some quality time with my good friend’s kidlettes ♡


          David and I went to this one particular event together. A community dinner served by the Evangel Pentecostal Church that was followed by a selection of musical performances. There was another family at our table with their 5 year old little girl and she became the highlight of our night. The joy just emanated from her. She was wearing an adorable red dress, her hair in pig tails, complete with red bows. She was so happy, so excited, so … innocent. 

(Stock photo)

I had a lump in my throat the whole evening, making it very hard to swallow my meal. Santa came and called the kids up front and she was just vibrating with excitement. We watched her as she went up and as she looked over at her mom, waving as they took her picture, I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. It felt like my heart was just shattering inside my chest. I had to excuse myself and blindly made my way to the bathroom, where I covered my mouth and spent a good 5 minutes sobbing, silently. After touching up my make up I went back to the table and sipped coffee as if nothing had ever happened.

I wear the mask quite well.


          Sometimes infertility hits ppl at the most random times and this christmas was one of those times for me. I feel like I have to keep it to myself because I know David deals with a lot of guilt about not being able to give me a child of our own. If he was to see me during these moments it would just make it much worse for him and I don’t want that. Except I also don’t like how isolating this is. I wish I knew how to turn this into something we could go through together. I wish I could let myself be vulnerable and let my own husband see those hurting parts of me. Except I retreat into my shell and hide … the only thing I’m actually good at.

Taken Off Guard By Grief

A Girl In A Complex World

Sometimes all I want is a little comfort. Just a tiny sliver of it for a few short moments and I would be grateful. Because the ache of missing someone is just so incredibly intense. I didn’t want to get out of bed today. In fact I haven’t wanted to physically move at all. I did manage to move myself from my bed to the patio outside, where I curled up on the bench and spent hours just staring up at the sky. The sun was perfection. The temperature was perfection. The occasional perfect breeze blew across my face, just enough to remind me to take another breath. Secretly though, I wanted nothing more than to stop. Breathing I mean. To stop … existing.

The thoughts and feelings are haunting me every single minute that I’m awake. Sometimes I just don’t have the energy to fake a smile, because the emotions are way too close to the surface and it feels like the tears are about to slip out at any minute …

But no, thanks. I have managed to come this far today. I’ve made it past 5:30. So I just want to eat some hot soup. Or maybe I can manage some toast instead. But please, please don’t make me go anywhere. I’m just so tired. I know this feeling is temporary and that it will pass, just like the rain that was falling out here last night.

It’s just that sometimes that old familiar longing to have you alive, back here on earth and back in my life again takes me off guard because nothing can ever replace a friend once suicide takes her away. 💔