Tag: holidays

We Will Make It Through December

A Girl In A Complex World

There have been many moments lately where I have hidden in my bathroom because life has become too heavy to bear. I wonder if I will ever get the chance to just be myself again. Everything has gotten so complicated lately.

The things that are necessary to be happy are currently not present. I am exhausted, in more ways than one. But I’m still getting up and crawling my way through each day.

Sometimes I squeeze my eyes shut and block everything out to remind myself that I’m human and to breathe. I am trying to teach myself that it’s ok to take a break.

It’s also ok to indulge yourself with whatever sliver of happiness you can find that will help strengthen and recharge you. Whether you make a cup of your favorite tea and sit by the Christmas tree as you drink it, go for a walk, or throw a ball around in the backyard with your dog. If it satisfies even the smallest part of you, it’s worth the effort.

December is a hard month for a lot of ppl. Myself included. Its going to be very easy to get swept up and completely lose ourselves over the next few weeks. So from one struggling human to another …

You can do this. WE can do this! Take a breath. Then another. Drink some water and get some sleep. Then do the next thing.  We will make it through December!

Word Of The Year

A Girl In A Complex World

Have you ever heard of ppl choosing a word of the year? It’s like a way to keep yourself on course. Sort of a guiding star. Or the title to a chapter in the book of your life. Picking a word of the year is less stringent than making a new year’s resolution and it helps you go with the flow without feeling like a failure because you aren’t keeping the resolutions you said you were going to.

It gives you the opportunity to check in during the year and ask yourself if the path you’re on is bringing you closer or further away than where you want to be in your life. It also gives you a chance to DO THE THINGS that put that word at the front of your life. Invite the good things in!

I’ve never picked a word of the year before. I realize upfront that I might not always embody it to the extent that I want to – I admit that. But I will make sure it always teaches me something.

I am grateful for all of the lessons that 2023 taught me but I am more than ready to say goodbye to it. There are some parts of my soul and my self that feel a bit torn, worn out, ragged. At times it was a rough year. Healing always is. Now I find myself needing … something. When I was thinking about what could be my word, ACCEPTANCE came to mind. It encompasses exactly the kind of vibe I need to be in right now. 

So, my word for 2024 is:

I need to make room for the person I am right now. Not dwell on the girl I wish I was or feel sorry for the girl I used to be. But the girl I am right now, in this very moment.  I want to make the best of what happens this year and not constantly think about what my life would be like if things were different.

I want to accept my body as it is. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to change it, never feeling pretty/strong/skinny/capable/flexible/healthy/attractive/innocent/spicy/good … enough. This year I want to accept and appreciate my ageing body for what it can do and what it has to offer me.

I want to be more accepting of ppl – all ppl. My family, my friends, medical professionals, spiritual leaders, cashiers, etc Especially those who have ideas that are different than mine, different beliefs and those in different levels of power. This year I want to use my voice and talk with those people, even a simple hello is often progress for me.

I want to accept offers to try new things and not let my own doubts or anxieties prevent me from stepping forward.

I want to accept that not all days need to be productive. That especially during times of sickness, fatigue and chronic pain some days I need to just be and not worry about checking off things on my ‘to do’ list.

This will be my first time choosing a word of the year and I feel really good about this. I believe that this particular word, ACCEPT, is exactly where my focus needs to be right now. I need to shift myself from avoidance and move into embracing acceptance in all areas.

Did you choose a word or make any resolutions this year? Do tell! Feel free to comment below and tell me what direction you want to go in this year? Happy New Year everyone!

Holiday Blues

A Girl In A Complex World

          Christmas was … different … this year. I usually enjoy the overall feeling of the season but its like that christmassy feeling was non-existent this year. I don’t know if its because I was in the hospital or maybe its because my pain level has been so high, but December month brought a lot of sadness.


          A different kind of sadness though. The kind where it felt as if my heart was literally aching. I found myself frequently holding back tears. There’s been such a deep yearning in my soul. A longing for things I dont have and can’t do. Its the kind of sadness that comes with grieving for a lost loved one, wishing you could have just 5 more minutes with them. Except no one has died. It’s a sadness that reaches right down to my core.


          All the hype about the holidays portrays big, happy families gathered around each other, enjoying lots of food and presents, baking cookies, decorating trees together, small children full of excitement, couples building snowmen and having snowball fights, shopping and buying all sorts of things, and so on. All the images say we should be happy. But what about those who have no family near them and they have very small social circles? Or those who are unemployed and can’t afford to buy things for anyone outside of their immediate family? What about couples going through a divorce? Or those in abusive relationships and live in fear of saying the wrong thing? And, what about those who are not able to have children of their own?

Enjoying some quality time with my good friend’s kidlettes ♡


          David and I went to this one particular event together. A community dinner served by the Evangel Pentecostal Church that was followed by a selection of musical performances. There was another family at our table with their 5 year old little girl and she became the highlight of our night. The joy just emanated from her. She was wearing an adorable red dress, her hair in pig tails, complete with red bows. She was so happy, so excited, so … innocent. 

(Stock photo)

I had a lump in my throat the whole evening, making it very hard to swallow my meal. Santa came and called the kids up front and she was just vibrating with excitement. We watched her as she went up and as she looked over at her mom, waving as they took her picture, I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. It felt like my heart was just shattering inside my chest. I had to excuse myself and blindly made my way to the bathroom, where I covered my mouth and spent a good 5 minutes sobbing, silently. After touching up my make up I went back to the table and sipped coffee as if nothing had ever happened.

I wear the mask quite well.


          Sometimes infertility hits ppl at the most random times and this christmas was one of those times for me. I feel like I have to keep it to myself because I know David deals with a lot of guilt about not being able to give me a child of our own. If he was to see me during these moments it would just make it much worse for him and I don’t want that. Except I also don’t like how isolating this is. I wish I knew how to turn this into something we could go through together. I wish I could let myself be vulnerable and let my own husband see those hurting parts of me. Except I retreat into my shell and hide … the only thing I’m actually good at.