Tag: inner peace

She Always Knows

A Girl In A Complex World

Sometimes it’s a dog that fills the void.  The room feels so different when she isn’t in it.

People come and go and they will repeatedly let you down. They make promises they can’t keep, love you – but with conditions, and leave when things get hard. But a dog? A dog just stays. No questions, no demands. She’s just there, filling the empty spaces you didn’t even realize you had growing inside you.

It’s strange, isn’t it? How something so small can take up so much room in your life?

Well no, not strange. It’s just … rare. The kind of love that doesn’t ask for anything but still gives you everything in return. The kind that’s always there when you need it most, and somehow, without a single word, it reminds you that you are worthy of being loved.

Zoey, my 9-year-old yellow lab, is lying beside me in my hotel room tonight. She’s bringing a desperately needed sense of calm to my anxious nervous system. I have been in and out of fight, flight and freeze all week. We traveled 5 hrs today and checked in to a hotel for the night. In the morning I have an appointment for a special medical test that can only be done in this particular hospital.

I am an amputee. I lost my left arm in a car accident 10 yrs ago so I have been living with just one hand. Last week I seriously injured that hand and it has had devastating consequences. Life changing. I am looking at partial to full loss of use of the full hand and wrist, which would strip me of most of my independence.

I’m scared. This test tomorrow will determine which type of surgery they will be performing and whether or not it can be repaired. There are a lot of unknowns and the fear is trying to strangle the life out of me.

But as I lay here with my girl beside me, listening to her deep relaxed breathing I am reminded to take a deep breath of my own. I realize that there’s nothing I can do tonight other than rest. Worrying is only causing more suffering. Tomorrow will come and I will face each challenge as it comes. So for now, I’m going to pause and appreciate the presence of my beautiful furry companion.

I’m going to reclaim my peace tonight as I allow the love of my dog to calm the fear and anxiety within me. With no questions or demands, I know Zoey will bring comfort to my hurting soul.

She knows. She always knows.

God? I’m Scared.

A Girl In A Complex World

Me: God, I’m scared. I’m trying so hard not to be, but I am.

God: I know, my child. Do you want to talk about it?

Me: No, not really. Besides, you already know everything. Talking isn’t going to change it.

God: Let’s talk about it anyway. We’ve done this before.

Me: I know. I’m just so tired. I should be stronger than this. I can’t seem to get anything right.

God: *waiting patiently, never annoyed.*

Me: I’m just so tired. I’m never going to figure out how to live and manage all this. Its too much. I’m scared that I’m going to crack under all this pressure. My heart has never felt so broken before. I’m afraid that my attempts to recover are actually going to be what kills me. I’m afraid that I’m not strong enough to cope with it all. I’m afraid of the things I’m having to process in therapy. I’ve spent years acting as if my nightmares are just that – things in my imagination. I have tried so hard to make it all go away. Its what my whole life has revolved around. But all that energy put into avoiding has been for nothing because here I am, having to stare it straight in the face.

God: Anything else?

Me: EVERYTHING ELSE.

God: Remember the other day when the smoke alarm was beeping in the kitchen and Buddy came running across the house?

Me: Yes.

God: When you heard him running, you started calling out to him before he even got to you … remember? Do you remember what you called out to him?

Me: I said, “You’re okay! You’re okay! Mommy’s right here.”

God: Why did you call out to him? Why didn’t you just wait until he got to you?

Me: Because I wanted him to know that I was here, and I heard him, and he didn’t have to be afraid because I was right here.

God: Exactly. I hear you, my child. I hear your thoughts racing like Buddy’s little puppy feet down the hallway. There’s another side to all of this and I’m already there. I’ve seen the end of it. And I want you to know that as you walk through all of this, you’re going to be okay. I haven’t turned my back on you. I’m right here. I always was and I always will be.

Me: *crying* Can you just wait here with me for a while until I calm down? Can you hold me and cover me in your peace before I go back to facing it all again?

God: There’s nothing I’d love more. ❤

Let Me Tell You A Secret

A Girl In A Complex World

Life is better when you make space for what you love.

It truly is.

This world will rob you of every ounce of happiness that you possess – if you let it. You have to be intentional about giving yourself something to look forward to. You have to prioritize your joy. Because if you wait for happiness to come to you you’ll be waiting a long time.

It has taken me my entire life to figure this out. I’d long for something good to happen to me. I’d envy ppl when I’d see them smiling. And I’d look really closely at their face and read their body language because you can tell when a smile or a laugh is genuine. And my heart would ache for that feeling.

Now I am learning that it’s possible for every one of us to feel that joy – but we have to be intentional. Look for it. Seek it out. Listen for it.

It doesn’t always come naturally. Maybe it’s a song. If a piece of music stirs your soul then listen to it every day if you have to! Maybe it comes from walking along the beach with waves at your feet. Maybe it’s in your child’s laughter. It could come to you in your car with the window rolled down and the wind blowing through your hair or at the dog park as your dog plays with a new friend. It could bubble up within you when you look at a piece of art you just created or it could come from the smile on your grandfather’s face when you walk into his room. 

Seek out these things. Make room for them. Stop waiting for happiness to come to you. You just might be surprised by what you find if you truly look for it! 🦋