I became an amputee in 2010, after losing my left arm in a motor vehicle accident. Recently I injured my right hand and wrist. I’m currently in the hospital, recovering from a second emergency surgery, so as you can see, I’m quite limited right now.
But where there’s a will, there’s a way! I’ve discovered that a little faith and determination can go a long way. Some days your biggest accomplishment will be something big and spectacular, while other days it will be simply moisturizing your face.
In the words of Martin Luther King Jr. :
“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
Tag: inpatient
Are You …
… OKAY?
No? Me neither. I am not okay today. But there are other things we can be!
Ok, so let’s see …
In the absence of okay, what else can I be?
I can be gentle.
I can be unashamed.
I can be creative and turn my pain into art.
I can be still.
I can be compassionate.
It’s okay if you’re not okay today. I promise you though, you can still be many other beautiful things!
Sending hugs to anyone who needs one right now.
🖤🩷🖤
Life Has Been Unraveling
My mental health has been on a steady decline for a couple of months now. There’s been a lot that’s happened, in succession, and the stress of it all has been accumulating. Trying to manage both physical and mental illnesses why all this life stuff has been coming at me was too much and I crashed. As a result, every area of my life is now suffering.
A little over 2 weeks ago something inside of me just cracked and I attempted to end my life. In a moment of desperation, needing the mental anguish to just stop, I chose what I thought would be the solution.
After spending the past 2 weeks in the hospital, in the Intensive Care Unit, here I am sitting in the car with my husband, as we travel to his parents’ place for a 60th birthday celebration (tomorrow). I was discharged yesterday, after being cleared as well enough to leave. I feel a million miles away right now. Certainly not in the frame of mind for a party. I really don’t want to be around people.
Can I just say one more thing?
Our health care system here in Newfoundland, Canada is … I’m biting my tongue here because every word coming to mind could get me banned from WordPress … so I’m just going to say … it SUCKS.
It’s sad. Based on my own experiences my heart aches for those needing services. If it happened to me then I’m sure it’s happening to countless others.
In my opinion, if someone almost successfully takes their life and then sits in front of you and says they are not able to function because they are so mentally unwell, I don’t this it’s even sensible to suggest they develop a better sleep routine and that you’ll chat with them in 6 to 8 weeks.
Dude, if you ony knew the half of it ……
Radical Acceptance
It is what it is. This entire situation. Right now, I need to calm down, take a breath, and stop striving to be the one in control of everything. Pain is inevitable but all of this suffering is optional! I’m always going to have various painful experiences. We all will.
But I am creating needless suffering for myself today by dwelling on my current situation and telling myself how unfair this all is. I’m in the hospital on a psyc ward and I don’t want to be. They say I’m a voluntary patient. But when I refused the new medication the dr wanted me to take and again when I requested to be discharged, I was threatened with a certification (where I would no longer be voluntary and would lose all freedom to have any say whatsoever in my treatment). I’m only creating more anger within myself and thus causing more suffering by letting this fester.
Its time I accept that I have no control over this situation right now. The facts are that i’m here in hospital, I’m not well, I don’t have a very good track record for making healthy decisions, the doctors are smarter than me and I am craving peace.
So I am just going to lie here, breathing deeply, while I simply accept that in this moment I am doing the best I can with what I’ve got. Lying quietly in this hospital bed is not easy for me but right now its exactly what I have to do. And that’s ok.
I’m Still Here
For the first time in weeks I feel a little bit like myself again. Its probably been more like months but the few weeks have been especially challenging. My mental health has been on a steady decline since the summer came to a close and then I took a nose dive and crashed head first into rock bottom.
There was no one single incident that took place to push me over the edge. I’d been fighting to hold on for a while and my rope just grew so thin that it broke. I’ve been so tired. Just the simple daily stuff has even been too much. Folding laundry had been leading to meltdowns. Once 2 then 3 baskets became filled with clean clothes I’d sit and cry because there was no basket for the dirty stuff. My husband walked in one day and found me sitting on the couch with a towel in my hand, sobbing. I had gotten out of the shower and our 3 laundry hampers were filled with clean clothes so there was nowhere to put my towel or dirty clothes. Folding it felt so far beyond what I was mentally able to process. I thank God for my incredible husband who stepped in and took it over, while I sat there crying and holding on to the towel.
Eating. Drinking. Walking. Talking. Even breathing felt pointless.
And sleep. I don’t know how long I had been without sleep but I know I was into night 3 at least because my husband was working his 3rd 12 hour shift that night and I hadn’t been to bed at all during that stretch of time. I had been purposely avoiding food and water because in the back of my mind I was thinking that the weaker I could make my physical self … the more tired and worn out and deprived I could become … the faster my body would give up at the end.
I had every aspect of my death planned out. How I was going to do it, where I would be, what I would be wearing, precise timing of everything, who would find me, details about my funeral wishes were written down and placed in my wallet with my ID and other important cards, etc
What I didn’t take into consideration was how weak and worn out I actually was. And the apathy … I didn’t care. I was completely shut down. I had been experiencing waves of emotion in between the numbness but for 3 days straight I was a zombie. I just gave up caring.
So those things paired with all the despair and brokeness I had been feeling resulted in a week long stay on the intensive care unit then a transfer to a different hospital an hour away, which is the only place that has a psychiatric inpatient unit in our district. And that’s where I’ve been for the past few weeks.
Being in the hospital is a challenge all by itself. But today I ventured out of my room and wandered into the main lounge where several staff members were putting up the Christmas tree. A security guard came with a guitar and began singing. After a while I joined in and for the first time since my Nan’s funeral 2 years ago, I sang in front of a group of people.
Today, I feel hope.
Her Complex Musings 
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