Tag: insomnia

Sleep!

A Girl In A Complex World

I slept for 10 HOURS last night – unmedicated! I crashed when I got home after being out of town for the day for both psychiatry and psychology appointments. I fell asleep almost immediately once my head touched the pillow. That itself is practically unheard of for me. Sleep does not come easily.

I didn’t hear David come home this morning, didn’t feel the dogs leave the bed when he did, and didn’t wake when the 3 of them came back to bed. I don’t like that AT ALL. But I can’t let myself focus on that because it will take me to a very dark place. I’m trying to befriend sleep, not create more ammunition against it.

I woke shortly after 11am, with David and the dogs asleep next to me, because my blood sugars had dropped and the alarm from the continuous glucose monitor in my arm was going off. I couldn’t believe it.

A Girl In A Complex World

What have you been putting off doing? Why?

EVERYTHING!!

Dishes … laundry … returning a call to my mom, who has been calling for 2 days but I don’t have the strength to pick up the phone and utter the word ‘hello’.

I’ve been putting off hanging a pile of shirts in our closet, but hey, at least it’s all clean..

I’ve been putting off some photo editing as well. I have a little over 120 pictures needing to be uploaded to my laptop, and sorted then edited but I haven’t been able to get in a clear frame of mind to even be able to think about it.

I’ve also been putting off something else… asking for help, telling somebody … because I anticipate that things will get a lot worse if I do. Depression has flooded every part of me, both physically and mentally. I have very little control over what enters my mind. From terrifying images that flash without warning to lines from songs that get stuck on repeat, over and over and over to absolute silence.

A couple of ppl know I’m not well but they aren’t in any position to help. My psychiatrist is out of the country until the new year. I have no more options. Unless … I go to my family doctor. Tell her how severe my insomnia has become. But I’ve been putting it off because …

I’m scared. I’m scared of having to answer any questions she may have because I really don’t want to talk about the fear, the dreams, the feelings, the memories …….