I didn't call you back.
I was buried under a pile of blankets
Counting my breaths
Attempting to drown out all the noise
Trying to slow down my racing thoughts
Praying to hold on
Fighting the darkness
Willing myself to get up
Practicing positive self-talk
Bargaining with the universe
Begging the pain to just
Stop.
I'm sorry I didn't call you back.
🦋
Tag: invisible
Will You Remember I Existed?
Most days I feel as if I could just disappear and no one would notice, like midnight rain. And I’m not gonna lie, I prefer that for the most part. I’ve never been good with people, with expressing how I feel, and with letting anyone inside the walls I’ve built around me.
But there are these rare moments when I wish I created deeper connections with others. Moments when I long for conversations that feel like I’m having a glimpse of someone else’s soul, or sharing a piece of myself, even if it’s something as simple as a favorite song.
Most of the time I feel like no one would ever notice if I opted out of this world. But there are also days when I wish someone would just think of me and remember the sound of my voice or the way I laugh. It’s just a comforting thought, I guess, knowing that in this beautiful world full of busy people, I existed and somehow, I mattered.
I guess one could dream.
I’m (not) OK
This song hit me like a ton of bricks last night. See, I have this thing about always saying I’m ok. If I was on the floor, crying, and bleeding I would still look up at you and tell you that I’m ok. It seems like those are the only 2 words that exist in my vocabulary sometimes.
So last night I was in a pretty dark mood and instead of seeking out positive things to draw out a lighter mood, I was like … screw this DBT stuff. I was angry but no idea why. And the sadness was so heavy that it was almost tangible. I opened up youtube and just started going from one song to another and then this one started playing.
It amazes me how music can so accurately speak for me when the words aren’t there. At the beginning of every session my therapist asks me how I am doing and my automatic response is … I’m okay. Every. Single. Time. Because I don’t have the words to accurately answer her question. To be honest, I don’t think I know how to be anything other than ‘okay’.
So for now, I’ll let the lyrics of this song say it for me. And while it plays quietly in my ear I’ll just keep smiling and telling you … I’m okay.
Tonight the monsters in my head
Are screaming so damn loud
But I built walls so high
So they never even make a sound
It’s a mask, it’s a lie
It’s the only home I’ve ever known
‘Cause being who I really am
Has only left me more alone
I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
The reason I keep quiet
With so much at stake
I always feel like a burden, let it silence me
You’ll never understand
Why it’s so hard to say
I’m not okay
I wish I had a scar
Had a bruise on the surface, any kind of proof
That everything I feel is more than just some sad excuse
My life’s invisible abuse
I’m either judged or have to hide
The only symptom you can see
Is I don’t wanna be alive,
I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
The reason I keep quiet
With so much at stake
I always feel like a burden, let it silence me
You’ll never understand
Why it’s so hard to say
I’ll never have the words, I can’t explain this hell
But what if it kills me
If I keep it to myself?
To myself
I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
I am not okay
I am not okay
I’m never safe
It’s not a phase
If I finally break
Would you still stay?
Velcro And Teflon
I’ve been clinging to whatever moment of positivity I can find over the past few days. My brain is just like velcro because every single negative thing that occurs in the run of a day just sticks. I wish it was the other way around, that the positive aspects of my day were the things my brain would focus on.
I read somewhere a while back that said we need 5 positive interactions to make up for one negative interaction. Yikes! It sucks that negativity has such a big influence on us. There would be a lot of happier people in the world if our brains were more like teflon and not velcro with negative things.
I think we’re all like this though. Evolution has hardwired our brains to keep track of negative experiences as a way to protect us. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that this unique characteristic was very useful back in the day but now its more of a source of anxiety and sadness. I could have had 25 positive thingū0s happen today and one single negative experience. My brain is going to fixate on that one single negative thing and to be quite honest, its been rather exhausting.
I’ve been feeling a dark, heavy cloud of sadness hovering during the past couple of days and that, for me, is terrifying because my periods of depression can be severe. So I’ve been thinking about teflon and velcro a lot and taking in the positives wherever I can.
There was one thing in particular that stood out a few days ago when I went for my Ketamine infusion. While I was standing at the registration desk there was a nurse doing some paperwork across the room. I’ve grown familiar with most of the staff because I’m there regularly but I’ve never had any dealings with that particular nurse. Out of the blue she calls me by name and says she loves my new hair color. I was taken aback because she had observed that change. Which meant she has noticed me before. So maybe I’m not as invisible as I think I am …?
It was one comment by one person that was a positive moment in my day that I’ve attached to my velcro brain. That one comment has been the single positive item on my list today. Sometimes you have to cling to whatever you possibly can to make it through. If you see something you like about someone don’t hold back from telling them because you have no idea how desperate that other person is to have a positive moment that day. A kind word can save a life without you ever knowing! 🖤
Her Complex Musings 
You must be logged in to post a comment.