Sometimes it’s a dog that fills the void. The room feels so different when she isn’t in it.
People come and go and they will repeatedly let you down. They make promises they can’t keep, love you – but with conditions, and leave when things get hard. But a dog? A dog just stays. No questions, no demands. She’s just there, filling the empty spaces you didn’t even realize you had growing inside you.
It’s strange, isn’t it? How something so small can take up so much room in your life?
Well no, not strange. It’s just … rare. The kind of love that doesn’t ask for anything but still gives you everything in return. The kind that’s always there when you need it most, and somehow, without a single word, it reminds you that you are worthy of being loved.
Zoey, my 9-year-old yellow lab, is lying beside me in my hotel room tonight. She’s bringing a desperately needed sense of calm to my anxious nervous system. I have been in and out of fight, flight and freeze all week. We traveled 5 hrs today and checked in to a hotel for the night. In the morning I have an appointment for a special medical test that can only be done in this particular hospital.
I am an amputee. I lost my left arm in a car accident 10 yrs ago so I have been living with just one hand. Last week I seriously injured that hand and it has had devastating consequences. Life changing. I am looking at partial to full loss of use of the full hand and wrist, which would strip me of most of my independence.
I’m scared. This test tomorrow will determine which type of surgery they will be performing and whether or not it can be repaired. There are a lot of unknowns and the fear is trying to strangle the life out of me.
But as I lay here with my girl beside me, listening to her deep relaxed breathing I am reminded to take a deep breath of my own. I realize that there’s nothing I can do tonight other than rest. Worrying is only causing more suffering. Tomorrow will come and I will face each challenge as it comes. So for now, I’m going to pause and appreciate the presence of my beautiful furry companion.
I’m going to reclaim my peace tonight as I allow the love of my dog to calm the fear and anxiety within me. With no questions or demands, I know Zoey will bring comfort to my hurting soul.
I don’t have the vocabulary to be able to adequately describe what I am feeling right now. There are simply no words that could do justice in explaining what’s in my heart.
Today was a good day. They’ve been few and far between lately but today the positives just seemed to accumulate, and for that, I am ever so grateful.
Now tonight … it’s hard to even breathe because I am just so overwhelmed. I love nature. I love being outdoors. I live with salt water mere feet from my doorstep. And I love summer nights. Lately, though, I have been so full of darkness that there has been little room for much else. My craving for peace and calm has been so intense that it has morphed into a physical ache.
Tonight as the day came to an end, I felt myself being quickly swallowed up by the darkness once again. I went out and sat on the back patio, to take in a few moments of fresh air before calling it a night, and the sky was incredible. I turned off all the outdoor lights on the house and positioned my chair to get the best view. I sat back and was simply in awe.
The stars were brighter than I ever recall seeing them before. Not a cloud in the sky, just hundreds and thousands of tiny sparkling lights. The longer I sat there on my patio in the dark, the more overwhelmed I felt. Sheer gratitude to be able to sit and see such beauty, with the sound of the light waves on the beach in the background. To be living and breathing and seeing and hearing is a blessing I am so often guilty of taking for granted.
I thanked God, for reminding me that no matter how dark things may appear, there’s always something beautiful waiting for me to experience. I am 42 years old and in my entire life, I’ve just seen one single shooting star. But tonight, in 2 hours, I witnessed 11 of them. ELEVEN!!!! It was like watching a screensaver on a computer screen.
I feel renewed. I feel refreshed. I feel … hopeful. My cries of desperation seemed to fall on deaf ears lately but I’m now reminded that things are not always as they seem. I believe I was given the opportunity to have this experience tonight so I could be reminded that God never turns a deaf ear to me. Not one tear that has fallen from my eyes has gone unnoticed. And that even though my mind has been full of so much darkness lately …
David said the sweetest thing to me this morning. We were in the car and the song called “Follow Me“ by Uncle Kracker came on the radio. As if on cue we both started singing along. It’s a fun song that goes back to our dating days. It was really popular at the karaoke bar that we used to go to on Thursday nights. Gosh, how times have changed. But, I digress!
The chorus of the song says:
At the end I looked over at David and laughed, and I said, “Thank God, eh? That there’s nobody else like me? One is bad enough!”
He glanced over at me, then back to the road. He didn’t say anything at first. Then he said, “No. You’re wrong. This world would actually benefit from more of you.”
Again, I laughed. I couldn’t help it. This world already has more than enough crazy, messed up ppl who have nothing to offer back to society. “How in the world can you say that?! I can count on my hand the number of ppl who even know I exist. I’m basically invisible. I’m just here using up oxygen that other more deserving ppl need.”
He glanced at me again. “This world needs your heart,” he said. “It needs your love. A lot of problems could be solved if ppl just cared about each other. You have the most beautiful heart out of everyone I’ve ever met and that’s what this world needs more than anything. There’s too many cold hearted, bitter ppl who care about no one but themselves and they don’t care who they hurt. But you aren’t like that. You see the good in everyone. Just imagine if there was more of that!”
I had such a lovely day on Thursday and I slept a solid 6 hours, in bed, the night before. It has been ages since that has happened! I’ve been feeling bad about having such a limited supply of energy lately and not having the motivation to go out and do things. As a wife and a dog mom, as a human in general, I have been failing miserably. I haven’t been able to engage much because the majority of my mental energy is being spent on keeping myself alive.
So I reached out to my Aunt, who lives on the other side of the bay, and asked if they were going to be home and if it would be OK for us to go over to take the dogs out swimming. The beach has been gross here lately, full of green algae, and definitely not an ideal place for Zoey to be in the water. So I packed up a bag with a few towels, 3 bottles of water (one for each dog and David) and a bowl for them to drink from, sunscreen and off we went.
Zoey
Zoey’s excitement as we were walking down to the beach brought tears to my eyes. Buddy loves the beach but hates the water. He refuses to even get his paws wet. He’d rather explore, especially with all the different smells in an unfamiliar place. Zoey ran ahead and straight out in the water, jumping over the small waves as they came towards her. It felt like my heart was going to burst. It doesn’t take much to make me happy.
The temperature was perfect. Not too hot, with a slight breeze. And there was literally only one small cloud in the sky. It was the perfect shade of blue as far as the eye could see. I tried my best to take everything in and notice whatever I could, using all of my senses, because these moments don’t happen very often and I really wanted to remember this. I chose that particular location because of the sand. A lot of the beaches here in Newfoundland tend to be a bit rocky, making it difficult to walk with my balance issues, but this area was lovely.
Buddy
Zoey splashed along the shoreline in the water. Buddy zigzagged around us with his nose to the ground, taking in whatever scent he could. And being a beagle, a breed known for their hunting capabilities, he was in doggy heaven. And David and I walked for a while, holding hands, engaging in some random small talk.
Then he looks at me and says, “You should put your feet in the water. It’s not cold at all.” I looked at him and laughed. I was wearing jeans. “I’m not getting wet,” I said. David had shorts on and flip flops and had already walked in the water a little, getting his feet wet. “Just roll up your jeans. You’re wearing sandals anyway. Its ok if they get wet. They won’t be long drying.” I shook my head and continued walking along the sand.
Zoey (look at that smile!)
We were quiet for a while but I kept thinking about what he’d said. Lots of ppl love putting their feet in water. In movies I see ppl sit on the edge of pools or on the side of wharves, dangling their feet over the side. I’ve watched countless ppl walk along the shoreline, with the water covering their feet. It’s a normal thing lots of ppl do. So why does it seem like such an absurd thing for me? Why is it something I’m not allowed to do? What makes it so scary? Why does the thought of me doing something that others consider ‘fun’ fill me with so much discomfort in my body?
I had no answers and that bothered me. And I had no valid reason to not allow myself to walk in the water. All I knew was that I felt scared. The shame spiral began and my inner critic let loose, telling me how useless I was. Saying I was stupid and childish and a waste of space.
But I surprised myself this time. “Stop,” I said. Somehow I had found my voice and it took me a second to realize that I had said it out loud. It had been directed at the spiraling thoughts in my head but David stopped walking. I hesitated then bent down and began rolling up the leg of my jeans.
David’s flip flops
I don’t have the words to adequately describe how it felt to walk out in that water but I hope I never forget it. It’s like all of my problems just disappeared for a little while and I felt connected to something much greater. I smiled. I laughed. And at one point I even cried because I was so overwhelmed with something that felt good. I can’t label different emotions very well, other than it being either good or bad. But this felt absolutely incredible!
And Zoey … oh my goodness. It’s bringing tears to my eyes here now just writing about it. When she realized that I was in the water her excitement was almost too much for her to contain and she got the ‘puppy zoomies’. She ran circles around us, in and out of the water, jumping over the waves, then Buddy started chasing her around on the beach, and they were barking, and David and I just stood there laughing. Like, it was absolute pure joy surrounding all 4 of us and I don’t remember the last time I felt something like that.
Zoey
They say that salt water can cure almost anything. And I believe it. I’ve used salt water many times over the years to help promote healing in various physical ailments. But this was on a whole different level. The salt water may have only covered the lower part of my legs and feet but it felt like healing took place somewhere deep within my soul. It’s like, deep down inside, all of the broken and shattered parts of me felt … loved. I don’t know any other way to describe it.
And the little drops of salty water that fell from my eyes when I looked to the sky were my heart’s way of saying Thank You. Because it was as if God himself had wrapped His arms around me and said, ‘I got you’.
Yesterday evening was rough. Anxiety had been raging through my body all day and my mood was all over the place. I was pretty discouraged. But it was a beautiful evening and I had been out in the garden. My pain level was quite high and I was close to tears. I sat back in my chair on the patio and I was looking up at the sky. Talking to God, I was telling Him how I could really use a dose of encouragement.
There was a notification on my phone and it was a pastor friend of mine. We began chatting and I shared a bit of what was going on. In between texts I was resting my head against the back of the chair, looking up at the sky. I noticed a long white jet trail stretching out above me. And when I looked closer I saw another trail beginning. I watched the jet make it’s way across the sky, soaking up the beauty of the evening sunset.
I’ve seen many jets in my lifetime, flying high in the sky, but what I witnessed yesterday was like a personal sign from God. The thought came to me … beauty still remains, you just need to look closer. It moved me to tears. The colors of the sky at that precise moment along with the fresh jet streams running above me were such a sight to behold.
I was reminded, in more ways than one, that I am not alone even though it felt that way yesterday evening. I was reminded that in the midst of struggle, beauty remains. Between the words coming to me from Linda and the view stretching across the sky above me, I was encouraged. Which is what I asked for.
A person can have faith and still question. A heart can be broken and still love. A soul can be tired and still hope. A mind can be dark and still dream.
I’m here to show you that different is beautiful! ♡♡
Her Complex Musings 
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