Tag: reclaiming me

I Just Want To Live

A Girl In A Complex World

Well, the comfort I was receiving from the hot water bottle was wonderful. Except, it was short-lived. Through no fault of its own though! That hot water bottle was / STILL IS an incredible tool in my Skills Box.

A lot has happened lately. Maybe a slight percentage has been a genuine response to trauma and/or illness, and not something I had complete control over …. but when you choose to do something, YOU are the reason it happens. So whatever happens is your fault, isn’t it?

I’ve put my body through absolute torture these past 2 weeks and its going to take a while to settle from it all. Unless you deal with it on your own personal level, absolutely no one will ever comprehend what its like to live with a brain that wants me dead.

I can’t help but feel a little jealous … I’m actually more than a little jealous, but I digress … of the ppl I hear and read about who also deal with depression, PTSD, eating disorders, BPD, dissociation, and so on who have found ways to still live productive lives and can maintain a level of stability that is acceptable in other ppl’s eyes. I’ve been dealing with this stuff for several decades … and I have yet to discover what ‘stable’ looks and feels like.

I don’t get angry very often but right now I feel absolutely PISSED – at everyone and everything. All I want is to be able to eat, drink, sleep, and socialize with other ppl the way other stable, functional human beings do every single day. It really isn’t that much to ask, is it?

I want to live … and experience things outside of survival. That’s all I want. I’ve totally got the survival part figured out. Now, I just want to live.

She Always Knows

A Girl In A Complex World

Sometimes it’s a dog that fills the void.  The room feels so different when she isn’t in it.

People come and go and they will repeatedly let you down. They make promises they can’t keep, love you – but with conditions, and leave when things get hard. But a dog? A dog just stays. No questions, no demands. She’s just there, filling the empty spaces you didn’t even realize you had growing inside you.

It’s strange, isn’t it? How something so small can take up so much room in your life?

Well no, not strange. It’s just … rare. The kind of love that doesn’t ask for anything but still gives you everything in return. The kind that’s always there when you need it most, and somehow, without a single word, it reminds you that you are worthy of being loved.

Zoey, my 9-year-old yellow lab, is lying beside me in my hotel room tonight. She’s bringing a desperately needed sense of calm to my anxious nervous system. I have been in and out of fight, flight and freeze all week. We traveled 5 hrs today and checked in to a hotel for the night. In the morning I have an appointment for a special medical test that can only be done in this particular hospital.

I am an amputee. I lost my left arm in a car accident 10 yrs ago so I have been living with just one hand. Last week I seriously injured that hand and it has had devastating consequences. Life changing. I am looking at partial to full loss of use of the full hand and wrist, which would strip me of most of my independence.

I’m scared. This test tomorrow will determine which type of surgery they will be performing and whether or not it can be repaired. There are a lot of unknowns and the fear is trying to strangle the life out of me.

But as I lay here with my girl beside me, listening to her deep relaxed breathing I am reminded to take a deep breath of my own. I realize that there’s nothing I can do tonight other than rest. Worrying is only causing more suffering. Tomorrow will come and I will face each challenge as it comes. So for now, I’m going to pause and appreciate the presence of my beautiful furry companion.

I’m going to reclaim my peace tonight as I allow the love of my dog to calm the fear and anxiety within me. With no questions or demands, I know Zoey will bring comfort to my hurting soul.

She knows. She always knows.

I Survived

A Girl In A Complex World

Well, here we are! Almost through the first month of 2025. Its been quite a roller-coaster of a month, that’s for sure.

As for last year though, if I had to sum up 2024 in 2 words, I would have to say – I survived.


Honestly, it felt like one challenge after another, like the universe was testing just how much I could handle. I found myself breaking in ways I never thought I would. I had to let go of things I held onto for a long time. I wrestled with doubts and fears that I couldn’t silence, and I carried things that felt way heavier than they should have. There were nights when it felt like my own brain was trying to take me out.

And somehow, I’m still here. One thing I’ve learned is that surviving doesn’t always mean you have everything figured out. Sometimes, survival is about finding the courage to wake up and try again, even when it feels like nothing is changing.

Maybe that’s actually what matters the most – holding onto the quiet strength to keep going when life is trying to knock you down, making it harder and harder for you to succeed.

If nothing else, I know now that I am tougher and stronger than I ever thought possible and that feels like something worth holding onto right now.

2024 was not a bad year. In fact, it was one full of personal growth and countless incredible blessings. But since December month, it’s been one crisis after the other and my health, my family, my finances, my marriage, and even my sanity have taken a hit and it caused the year to end on a very low note, which has carried on into this month as well.

I’m going into this year feeling sick, tired, discouraged, and broken. I’m clinging to hope. And I have faith that we will be ok. I think we all need to believe in something, a higher power of some sort, that we can draw some degree of strength from. Something that can provide us with a degree of comfort in those dark hours when we are completely alone and can see no way forward. I believe that if you can find whatever does that for you, then you will be able to survive too – like I have, and continue to do so.

The first month of this new year is over. You did it! Now I hope that whatever the next 11 months have to bring, you will find and tap into something that brings you the strength and comfort you need to get out of bed each day and put your best self forward.

My prayer for us all is that despite such a tough start, 2025 will turn out to be the year that we THRIVE and RECLAIM ourselves! May you get to know and fall head over heels in love with your authentic self this year and I encourage you to reclaim your God-given right to be on this earth!

Just in case you haven’t heard it yet today, or this week … or maybe you haven’t heard it at all this year!

YOU MATTER!

✨️