Oh, how I wish self compassion wasn’t so hard for me. It’s like my brain purposely goes against it. It doesn’t come natural. There’s a part of me that tends to speak in a compassionate way yet she gets knocked down repeatedly. Kind words spoken to self makes the demon mad.
When things are quiet in my mind and I sense safety in my body my thoughts are more productive, kinder towards myself, hopeful, truthful, encouraging, calming … they’re healthy. But more often than not my system is fired up. I yearn to feel safety but it’s a very rare thing for me.
I try and make the best of what I have. But the slightest little thing pushes me into high alert and my system begins firing threat signals. A sound, a smell, a cell phone notification, a car door, a movement, a bodily sensation … these things all crush my sense of safety and my body takes over. My heart rate shoots up, trembling overwhelms my body, sleeplessness haunts me at night and exhaustion plagues me by day.
I want solitude. I want healing. But it’s so far out of reach that it’s a waste of time to even try.
26. Can you whistle? Slightly. I can make a sound but that’s about it 27. Where were you born? Grand Falls, NL Canada 28. Any Surgeries? 2 (repair of shoulder following a traumatic arm amputation. And a knee repair) 29. Piercings? 6 30. Shower or bath? Shower 31. Last song you heard? Amazing Love 32. Broken bones? Cheek bones, nose, chin, 5 fractures along my spine, 2 toes 33. How many TV’s in your home? 2 34. Worse pain? Recovering from a car accident was brutal from a physical standpoint. But the worst pain I’ve ever felt was deep within my being. Mental illness was destroying my mind as well as my body and I was crying out to God to let me die. That is a pain unlike any other. 35. Do you like to sing? Yes 36. Are your parents still alive? Yes 37. Do you like to go camping? Love it!! 38. What do you binge watch? All the medical drama shows … 9-1-1/Grey’s Anatomy/The Good Doctor/New Amsterdam etc 39. Favorite Pie? Oooohh. That would definitely have to be cherry 40. Favorite time of day? Sunrise. The darkness is leaving and a new day is dawning 41. Chocolate or vanilla? Definitely vanilla 42. Have you ever been on a plane? Yes. I flew to Ontario to a rehab center then flew back home several months later, clean, sober, and alive! 43. What did you want to be when you grew up? A social worker 44. What is the best job you ever had? I absolutely loved working as an early childhood educator at a local daycare and preschool center 45. Favorite movie? Girl Interrupted 46. Christmas or Halloween? Christmas all the way!! 47. What color is your toothbrush? Purple 48. Bad habits? Skipping meals, not opening mail right away, ignoring the signals my body sends me 49. Last person you hugged? David (husband) 50. What is one thing you could talk about for hours? My dogs!
One of the pitfalls of healing childhood trauma, in my opinion, is awareness.
Let me explain.
When you are at a point in your life where your history of trauma is affecting you on a daily basis you decide to enter some sort of journey towards healing. This may take on many different forms. It may involve finding a trauma specialist and entering some hard core trauma therapy. You may start seeing a therapist for some general therapy to help you figure things out. Or maybe you dive into it from a self help perspective. Whatever you choose, you just know that your past trauma is wreaking havoc on your present life.
So you’re on a new journey. You have information at your fingertips. So you do a deep dive into whatever you can get your hands on. If it relates to trauma then you are interested. Maybe you will find the very thing that will fix all your problems. So you read websites and books and articles. You watch YouTube videos and listen to podcasts. You want all the information that you can find.
In your search for answers you have several breakthrough moments where you realize why things are the way they are in your own life. You learn things. You fill your mind with all kinds of professional jargon. You read all about trauma recovery and the various steps it involves.
Ta da! You’re all fixed! You know all there is to know. You’ve taught yourself all about it. You’ve had your ah-ha moments and you have it all figured out!
There’s the pitfall. You consider your new knowledge and awareness to be exactly what you needed. Sound anything like you?
Yeah, me too.
Unfortunately awareness doesn’t change anything about your actual situation. You may now know why things are the way they are. You may understand more about your diagnosis of cPTSD. You may even think you don’t need therapy after all. You’ve figured it out!
Except, your life continues to unravel and you feel more lost now than you ever were before. Its because you’ve mistakenly thought that awareness was the answer. I did too.
Healing requires so much more than education and awareness. It requires action. Change.
My mind is constantly shifting, switching from one thought to the next, one memory to the next, one daydream to the next. I admire ppl who can focus on one task at a time and are able to lead productive lives.
I’ve been so frustrated lately with my inability to focus. I find my mind growing full of ideas for blog post topics. I wanted to make writing a central activity in my daily life once Christmas had settled down. I intended to turn writing into a therapeutic practice as well as a hobby. I love writing but I usually lack the motivation. So I decided to put my focus into growing this blog.
The only problem is that I’ve gone from unmotivated and lacking direction to becoming almost borderline obsessed with collecting ideas. I find myself super aware of things around me, even more than usual, as I search for things I can write about that would bring growth and add depth to this site.
See the thing is … while I haven’t been officially diagnosed with ADHD, I have undergone some testing and it has revealed that I do fall on the spectrum. The problem though is that the psychiatrist who I’ve been with is not at all open to the possibility of a new diagnosis. Despite having official testing done by a well respected psychologist, who did multiple different types of clinical tests to see where I am with regard to current diagnosis and other potential diagnostic possibilities … and even though she presented the findings in a written report to the psychiatrist, he was still unwilling to even consider the possibility of a new diagnosis.
Now in saying that, a diagnosis is merely another label. While it has added to the confusion I have about my identity as an individual, having a diagnosis that is agreed on by all the professionals is not completely necessary. It would certainly help me a great deal, that’s for sure! But I already KNOW I have a big problem with distraction. And focusing on one thing at a time is really difficult for me. I don’t need a diagnosis of something to know that.
But you know, I don’t think its a lack of attention that’s my problem. Quite the opposite actually. I feel like I have too much attention. I notice more than my brain is able to fully process at one time. I’m frequently distracted, yes. But not because I can’t pay attention. Its because I’m paying attention to everything. It seems like I hear more and see more and just notice more in general, than other ppl do. And that makes it super hard to fully focus on any one specific thing since I’m being distracted by all the other things that are coming at me at any given time. I have more attention than I know what to do with.
I have no idea if that makes any sense to you who is reading this because I’m trying to make … oh look! Squirrel!!
Oops. Sorry about that. So um, yeah. Where was I? Oh yes. So, I’m trying to make sense out of all of this myself to be quite honest. But if you agree/disagree or even relate in any way, feel free to leave a comment below and share your own thoughts about this topic! I’d love to hear what you have to say about this!
Embrace each and every challenge that you face as opposed to running for dear life in the opposite direction. Be curious. Take a step back and observe. Then proceed to use it as an opportunity to gain valuable insight and skills. Challenges don’t always have to be setbacks.
Danielle Broomfield
I’ve been home from the hospital for a while now. Things are going ok. I’ve learned some things over the past 2 months and I’m trying to incorporate so&me new ways of coping throughout the day. For example, drinking water is a problem for me. Dehydration is a common occurrence and it causes me to feel so dragged out and just blahh overall. But in the hospital I was given meds multiple times a day and of course, I had to drink water. So I’ve been using that as an opportunity to drink now that I’m home as well. Spreading my medications out over the PROPER times, setting alarms on my phone to remind me and then drinking as much as I can tolerate when I take the meds. Sometimes it’s just a few sips while other times I’ve been able to get down a full glass. Its a simple thing for most ppl – to drink water. But as a person who struggles immensely with drinking any type of fluids, and considering its a necessity for life, its something I have to put work into. So I have been. I want to be well. I want to feel well.
Living inside my head is just downright exhausting sometimes. Small things turn into major hurdles. Its rare for me to have a moment of silence. I mean, who else actually stands, holding a bottle of water, and cries because you know your body is screaming out for it but your mind is just screaming right back, yelling obscenities. I have recently found myself yearning for stillness though, for silence. With the constant 24/7 chatter when I was in the hospital and then all the things that came with the holidays, I find it hard to even think sometimes. So I am trying to take a few minutes here and there to just be still. It has actually been good for my anxiety. Anything that helps reduce the anxiousness I often feel is definitely a tool worth holding on to.
Challenges don’t always have to turn into setbacks. I have a tendency to trip up very easily. Even the smallest challenges have the potential to bring about a full blown relapse. That’s why I’m trying to really hard to stay on top of everything right now. Its a really stressful time of year, for everyone, and less than 2 months ago I almost died. Every tool I think of is being used to pull myself through this christmas. Yep. It’s definitely challenging. But its not going to set me back!
It is what it is. This entire situation. Right now, I need to calm down, take a breath, and stop striving to be the one in control of everything. Pain is inevitable but all of this suffering is optional! I’m always going to have various painful experiences. We all will.
But I am creating needless suffering for myself today by dwelling on my current situation and telling myself how unfair this all is. I’m in the hospital on a psyc ward and I don’t want to be. They say I’m a voluntary patient. But when I refused the new medication the dr wanted me to take and again when I requested to be discharged, I was threatened with a certification (where I would no longer be voluntary and would lose all freedom to have any say whatsoever in my treatment). I’m only creating more anger within myself and thus causing more suffering by letting this fester.
Its time I accept that I have no control over this situation right now. The facts are that i’m here in hospital, I’m not well, I don’t have a very good track record for making healthy decisions, the doctors are smarter than me and I am craving peace.
So I am just going to lie here, breathing deeply, while I simply accept that in this moment I am doing the best I can with what I’ve got. Lying quietly in this hospital bed is not easy for me but right now its exactly what I have to do. And that’s ok.
For the first time in weeks I feel a little bit like myself again. Its probably been more like months but the few weeks have been especially challenging. My mental health has been on a steady decline since the summer came to a close and then I took a nose dive and crashed head first into rock bottom.
There was no one single incident that took place to push me over the edge. I’d been fighting to hold on for a while and my rope just grew so thin that it broke. I’ve been so tired. Just the simple daily stuff has even been too much. Folding laundry had been leading to meltdowns. Once 2 then 3 baskets became filled with clean clothes I’d sit and cry because there was no basket for the dirty stuff. My husband walked in one day and found me sitting on the couch with a towel in my hand, sobbing. I had gotten out of the shower and our 3 laundry hampers were filled with clean clothes so there was nowhere to put my towel or dirty clothes. Folding it felt so far beyond what I was mentally able to process. I thank God for my incredible husband who stepped in and took it over, while I sat there crying and holding on to the towel.
Eating. Drinking. Walking. Talking. Even breathing felt pointless.
And sleep. I don’t know how long I had been without sleep but I know I was into night 3 at least because my husband was working his 3rd 12 hour shift that night and I hadn’t been to bed at all during that stretch of time. I had been purposely avoiding food and water because in the back of my mind I was thinking that the weaker I could make my physical self … the more tired and worn out and deprived I could become … the faster my body would give up at the end.
I had every aspect of my death planned out. How I was going to do it, where I would be, what I would be wearing, precise timing of everything, who would find me, details about my funeral wishes were written down and placed in my wallet with my ID and other important cards, etc
What I didn’t take into consideration was how weak and worn out I actually was. And the apathy … I didn’t care. I was completely shut down. I had been experiencing waves of emotion in between the numbness but for 3 days straight I was a zombie. I just gave up caring.
So those things paired with all the despair and brokeness I had been feeling resulted in a week long stay on the intensive care unit then a transfer to a different hospital an hour away, which is the only place that has a psychiatric inpatient unit in our district. And that’s where I’ve been for the past few weeks.
Being in the hospital is a challenge all by itself. But today I ventured out of my room and wandered into the main lounge where several staff members were putting up the Christmas tree. A security guard came with a guitar and began singing. After a while I joined in and for the first time since my Nan’s funeral 2 years ago, I sang in front of a group of people.
Sometimes I need to be reminded of things that are outside of this particular moment. I get so caught up in what I’m feeling rightnow or I get stuck in a memory loop, where I have one specific flashback that plays repeatedly, consuming me … I forget that I have an entire life outside of this place where I’m stuck. That’s where I have been discovering that any type of visual reminder, of a positive moment, helps me to become grounded. I have added a few videos and pictures to a folder on my phone and I’ve been sitting here in my bathroom, watching the videos on repeat.
This one shows a moment from this summer that has stayed with me very vividly. The way I felt in that moment was something I became very mindful of so I’m guessing that’s why I can feel it to be so real. I had been walking the beach near my house and my 2 dogs were with me. We’d had 2 days of rain so they were super happy to be outside and get to run around. When I stopped I took in all of my surroundings and I felt such an incredible warm feeling run through the center of my chest. Everything in that moment bordered on perfection. The direction of the sun, the temperature, the light breeze in my hair, the warmth from the sun shining down on my face, my dogs barking after each other as they zoom past me to chase each other through the salt water …
There are always things that you can cling to in moments of difficulty that can serve as an anchor. You might have one specific thing or many different ones. Whatever the case might be, use them. If you have to watch a 17 second video 29 times in a row to get the trembling in your bones to stop, then do it. You so deserve to be reminded of these moments of joy when the weight of depression is trying to crush you.
Having achors to keep you grounded is a great tool to have in your toolbox. One of my go-to skills.
Take a minute with me, to reflect, breathe, and remind yourself that just because you make mistakes it doesn’t mean that those mistakes define who you are. I just want to make that clear to everyone. None of us are perfect. Everyone experiences challenges and insecurities.
However, the fact that you are still here today after experiencing the depths of your anxiety and loneliness during the night … the fact that you are still getting up every morning … despite all the tears that soaked your pillows while you tried to sleep … the fact that you are still breathing … and the fact that you are right where you are right now …. its all evidence that there is hope for better days to come. You can still become the person that God wants you to be.
Better days are on their way, my friend, better days are on their way.
This song hit me like a ton of bricks last night. See, I have this thing about always saying I’m ok. If I was on the floor, crying, and bleeding I would still look up at you and tell you that I’m ok. It seems like those are the only 2 words that exist in my vocabulary sometimes.
So last night I was in a pretty dark mood and instead of seeking out positive things to draw out a lighter mood, I was like … screw this DBT stuff. I was angry but no idea why. And the sadness was so heavy that it was almost tangible. I opened up youtube and just started going from one song to another and then this one started playing.
It amazes me how music can so accurately speak for me when the words aren’t there. At the beginning of every session my therapist asks me how I am doing and my automatic response is … I’m okay. Every. Single. Time. Because I don’t have the words to accurately answer her question. To be honest, I don’t think I know how to be anything other than ‘okay’.
So for now, I’ll let the lyrics of this song say it for me. And while it plays quietly in my ear I’ll just keep smiling and telling you … I’m okay.
Tonight the monsters in my head Are screaming so damn loud But I built walls so high So they never even make a sound
It’s a mask, it’s a lie It’s the only home I’ve ever known ‘Cause being who I really am Has only left me more alone
I am not okay And I need you to see it I have so much to say And no one to hear it The reason I keep quiet With so much at stake I always feel like a burden, let it silence me You’ll never understand Why it’s so hard to say I’m not okay
I wish I had a scar Had a bruise on the surface, any kind of proof That everything I feel is more than just some sad excuse
My life’s invisible abuse I’m either judged or have to hide The only symptom you can see Is I don’t wanna be alive,
I am not okay And I need you to see it I have so much to say And no one to hear it The reason I keep quiet With so much at stake I always feel like a burden, let it silence me You’ll never understand Why it’s so hard to say
I’ll never have the words, I can’t explain this hell But what if it kills me If I keep it to myself? To myself
I am not okay And I need you to see it I have so much to say And no one to hear it I am not okay I am not okay I’m never safe It’s not a phase If I finally break Would you still stay?
The first time I thought about taking my own life I was 14. The first time I harmed myself I was 10. This is the reality of a 20 year battle with my health and truthfully, I’m still fighting.
I’ve struggled with being different my entire life. My insecurities have pushed me so far that I lost all value of my life. Sometimes I get a glimpse of what freedom looks like without feeling the guilt and shame for being different, but that’s all it is, a glimpse. I know that being different is a part of what makes me who I am. But the struggle to actually appreciate that is definitely real.
I don’t claim to live a life free of pain and frustration or even sickness. But I have grown a lot. My heaviness now coexists with a will to fight, and the fighter in me will have the final word.
Every day that I wake up is proof that I’m still fighting. Every hour that I don’t engage in self harm as a means of coping means that I’m still fighting. Every minute that I choose to speak truth even when my mind is screaming lies is proof that I’m fighting. But also, when I have a setback, it’s yet another chance for me to fight … again.
My reality includes a list of diagnoses that include mental illness and chronic pain, AND my reality is that I’m a complex girl who is the epitome of different, who is CHOOSING life. Everyday. And I promise you, no matter what it is that breaks you, hurts you, and makes you feel like giving up – your life is worth choosing, too.
We are always striving to improve ourselves. They say that every day is another opportunity to become a better version of the person we were the day before. But personally, I don’t think that should always be case. Sometimes we just need to be here and accept things exactly how they are. To look up at the clouds, take a breath and just … be.
This is also growth, a way of rising up. Some days, just merely existing is more than enough. Just think about it. Flowers do it all the time and they make the world a more beautiful place just by being here.
So you do you! You might not feel it but the world thanks you. 🖤
You must understand that sometimes there will be days that you’re not in the mood to talk to anyone, even if it’s your family and your closest friends.
You will want to ignore talking in person, on phone calls, on text msgs, even on social media.
Not because you don’t care and not because you’re in a bad mood either but because sometimes your mind and body will just crave silence. Sometimes, your soul will need silence for you to figure things out.
I want you to know that if you find yourself spacing out and distancing yourself from everyone it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad or mean person. You’re a human and it’s okay if you have a meltdown. Life can be a lot and sometimes it just becomes too much. You don’t owe anyone any explanations for choosing to prioritize what your soul needs and deserves.
Do what you have to do to reset and recharge then get back up and go again.
I wrap the blanket tighter around my chest And whisper to myself … I am strong I am beautiful
I dream of the woman I wish I could be Strong and confident Happy and … Free
I don’t recognize myself today This person in the mirror staring back at me … Where did she come from? Is that … Me?!
I’m fighting voices in my head Telling me that I’m not enough I’m not pretty, and I’m broken I’m not worthy of love The voices in my head are telling me To give up
But I keep fighting.
Words … They can cut so deep Why do I care so much what people think? I wonder who I’d be if I didn’t have these insecurities I don’t know what to think Losing control of reality
Fighting voices in my head Telling me that I’m not enough I’m not pretty and I’m broken I’m not worthy of love These voices in my head Shouting at me to give up
Silently I scream Stop it! I can’t take another minute Going crazy with all this chaos
I tell my head to stop And listen to my heart And my heart says …
I’m DONE With those voices in my head I KNOW that I am enough I am pretty, I’m not broken I AM worthy of love
Time to give it up Voices in my head … Just shut up.
I have adapted most of my life. Constantly shifting from one persona to the next, always changing masks to meet the expectations of the current environment. I’ve always carried the belief that the less amount of ME that is brought to each situation, the better.
That belief system has been the cause of a tremendous amount of heartache. my addiction. I have been completely disconnected from any source of inner guidance, just moving from one moment to the next as quietly as possible, in an attempt to go unnoticed.
Today I saw this quote:
In order to be the same person privately, publicly and personally … you must get to know that person ALTOGETHER.
It stopped me in my tracks. I have no idea who I am. In a 24 hour period I have multiple masks that I wear. I always feel the need to hide myself and after doing it for so long I’ve lost contact with the person underneath.
If I could meet one person in the entire world, it would be … myself.
Her Complex Musings 
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