Well, the comfort I was receiving from the hot water bottle was wonderful. Except, it was short-lived. Through no fault of its own though! That hot water bottle was / STILL IS an incredible tool in my Skills Box.
A lot has happened lately. Maybe a slight percentage has been a genuine response to trauma and/or illness, and not something I had complete control over …. but when you choose to do something, YOU are the reason it happens. So whatever happens is your fault, isn’t it?
I’ve put my body through absolute torture these past 2 weeks and its going to take a while to settle from it all. Unless you deal with it on your own personal level, absolutely no one will ever comprehend what its like to live with a brain that wants me dead.
I can’t help but feel a little jealous … I’m actually more than a little jealous, but I digress … of the ppl I hear and read about who also deal with depression, PTSD, eating disorders, BPD, dissociation, and so on who have found ways to still live productive lives and can maintain a level of stability that is acceptable in other ppl’s eyes. I’ve been dealing with this stuff for several decades … and I have yet to discover what ‘stable’ looks and feels like.
I don’t get angry very often but right now I feel absolutely PISSED – at everyone and everything. All I want is to be able to eat, drink, sleep, and socialize with other ppl the way other stable, functional human beings do every single day. It really isn’t that much to ask, is it?
I want to live … and experience things outside of survival. That’s all I want. I’ve totally got the survival part figured out. Now, I just want to live.
Breathe … Remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this depressed and uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you survived.
Breathe … You can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re excruciating, I know. But honey, you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. I promise! It might not be right away, but soon, they are going to fade and it won’t feel as awful as it does right now.
Breathe … You can do this. And when these crushing feelings do pass, you’ll look back at this moment and wonder why you ever doubted your own resilience. I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing … again and again.
This will pass. I promise it will pass. Just breathe.
I became an amputee in 2010, after losing my left arm in a motor vehicle accident. Recently I injured my right hand and wrist. I’m currently in the hospital, recovering from a second emergency surgery, so as you can see, I’m quite limited right now.
But where there’s a will, there’s a way! I’ve discovered that a little faith and determination can go a long way. Some days your biggest accomplishment will be something big and spectacular, while other days it will be simply moisturizing your face.
In the words of Martin Luther King Jr. : “If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
I ventured outside today. Not because I wanted to though. The last thing I wanted to do was put a coat and boots on to go walk around in the snow. I went out because I needed to. I’ve barely moved from the couch in 3 days. This year is not off to a good start.
First, we had the first-ever earthquake here in Central Newfoundland. Very minor. But there has never been an earthquake here. Then we had a major 3-day storm. Our driveway was washed out and our roof had some damage. Thankfully it was minor. Then I ended up spending 9 hours in the ER, for dehydration.
Through all of that, I’ve been struggling just to keep breathing. CPTSD has been kicking my ass. Between the paralyzing panic attacks, nightmares, disordered eating (restricting, binging, purging), chronic pain, and insomnia every breath I take requires effort. Putting in effort takes energy, and energy is something I have very little of. Or maybe it’s just a lack of drive or willpower. Either way, I don’t have much of anything right now.
But today I managed to tap into something inside of me that gave me a little boost. I was wiping away tears as I was putting my boots on. The dogs were so excited to have mom play ball with them. They’ve really been feeling the effects of what I’m going through and that has created such a massive amount of guilt for me. I try and tell myself that I really am doing the best that I can right now but it feels so fake.
The fresh air was amazing though. The sound of the waves along the shore was incredibly comforting. I miss walking there with the dogs. Another reason I dislike winter so much. When I get cold it triggers my CRPS and sometimes I’m in pain for several days after. It’s frustrating. Especially when more than half of the year is cold here in Newfoundland. So outdoor activity is quite limited. It’s a big factor in the decline of my mental health once the fall months are upon us.
Today the cool air was welcomed. It wasn’t windy, which made it much more manageable. It was as if by breathing it in I was bringing back a little glimmer of life. It even energized me enough to later vacuum, sweep, and mop through the house.
It was discouraging though to find myself standing in the middle of the room, on 3 separate occasions, completely dissociated, and I had to check my phone to see what time it was. Everything has just been so surreal. Over the last year, 40 years of trauma decided to all come flooding back at once, at times leaving me completely incapacitated. It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. I’ve shed more tears these past few months than I have my entire life.
So yeah. It’s been tough. But I guess surviving all of this is a testament to my strength? Maybe. I dunno. But I do know that growth doesn’t always look like success. Sometimes growth involves holding on when everything just feels so damn heavy. At least for me, it does.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am a very ‘complex’ person (eye roll). And that neither my mind nor body functions as it should, and can be very unpredictable. So there’s not really a lot that really surprises me anymore. But like, seriously. Get this … I’ve been sick with what my tattoo artist is calling the ‘Tattoo Flu’. Have you ever heard of this?!
I got my 8th tattoo last week. I have never had any complications from any of them. Have never needed pain meds or even much aftercare because they all healed without any issues. I must also add that earlier this year I had one done on the left side of my chest, which is a part of my body that was seriously injured in a car accident (my left arm was amputated). No major issues with that tattoo. Minimal bleeding, swelling, and redness. No bruising. I went through the session with no problem.
But this time … Oh. My. Goodness!!
Within the first 30 minutes I started shivering, and it didn’t stop. 4 hrs later at home, I was still trembling. I threw up about an hour in. He gave me a break, had me eat candy, and asked if I wanted to stop and finish the rest another day. I told him to keep going.
I must admit though, the reason I didn’t want to stop was mainly because of pride. Because, you see, I am tough! I can handle a lot of pain. I’m a badass, with tattoos! A few needle pokes got nothing on this girl! I’ve been through much worse. So no, I’m not quitting!
Anyways, I was under the needle for 2 hrs. I was booked for additional touch-ups on 2 older tattoos but at the 2 hr mark, he completed my chest piece and told me he wasn’t going to continue. He said “I think you might be getting what we call the Tattoo Flu … you’re going into shock.”
Me being me, how did I respond? “Don’t be silly,” I said. “I’m fine! It’s all good!” I told him that if I could go outside for a few minutes then I’ll be good to go again. But he refused, said it would be dangerous to keep going, and added that I was a sucker for punishment. I was pissed. (I think the fact that my body was reacting this way made me want to keep going even more. Not sure what exactly I was trying to prove ….)
I appreciated his looking out for me and it gained my respect, for being a good responsible artist. But that doesn’t mean I liked the decision!
It’s been 5 days and I’ve been feeling like shit. Leading up to this I wasn’t feeling the greatest to begin with. There’s been a lot of additional stress lately and I think it’s affecting my health a bit. I guess I’ve just been feeling a little burnt out. But still!! I did not expect this. I made sure I got some sleep the night before and I even had breakfast and some water before going to the appointment. But man, this stuff is real!!
So the tattoo flu is caused by an immune system response. When the skin is punctured by needles, the body reacts to the trauma and treats the ink like a foreign substance. So the immune system works to heal the skin and fight off the perceived threat. This response is what causes the flu-like symptoms as it tries to recover and protect itself.
I’ve had chills. Every part of my body has been aching. I’ve been nauseous and dizzy and even more exhausted than usual. Did I mention the swelling and bruising?! I’ve never had bruising from a tattoo before but it’s as if I’ve been beaten with a baseball bat this time!
The tattoo flu could last up to a week. Thankfully I am feeling a bit better today. Its usually only seen it in ppl getting really large pieces done in one sitting. I began showing signs after 30 minutes. Also, low blood sugar is common when the body is under stress, which is why the artist had a stash of lollipops. I didn’t know that a tattoo could cause uour blood sugar to drop!
I was given some great advice, which I will definitely take, to hopefully prevent the tattoo flu if (when) I get another one. It basically all comes down to self-care!
🦋 Have lots of carbs, sugar, and hydration in my system before a session. Drink a couple of bottles of Gatorade the day before (and during) the session.
🦋 Get a good night’s sleep the night before. And afterward, relax and be gentle with yourself because your body just went through a trauma.
🦋 Leading up to the session, don’t do anything super activating. Being calm at the beginning will help make the adrenaline rush and subsequent crash less intense. A lot of tension in the body before the tattooing process begins could actually cause an immune response to occur, that might otherwise not have happened had there not been so much stored stress.
If anyone in my life needs encouragement today, it can’t come from me because I am in need of the same thing. I just can’t blow sunshine up anyone’s ass today, Lord, so I ask that you send them whatever it is that they need, please.
If it is possible, can you also please remind me that millions of other human beings through history have lived through worse situations than me and still managed to make art, and find joy, and give hope and resist despair? Could you do that for me today?
In fact, send us all a little reminder that we can suffer and still be ok. May our faith be stronger than our fear.
And help us remember to drink some water. My body really needs some hydration.
Those words were shared in an email response that I received from my psychologist last week. It had been a difficult session and afterwards, I spiraled. I emailed her in the midst of my upset and her brief reply ended with those words – Hope strengthens, fear kills.
Yes. I am scared. Terrified – of my own brain. I have no control whatsoever of the way it reacts to things anymore. Its like I’m dealing with a completely separate entity. I’m going about my day as if im babysitting some overly dramatic child that can’t be left alone for 2 minutes or else it’s going to get into something it’s not supposed to.
I got up after a nightmare that night and spiraled into the danger zone. I remembered that Magda (psychologist) had pointed out a couple of wins from the previous week (which I really appreciated) and she said that what I was doing was helping me grow my window of tolerance. In my frustration that night, I was like, “F* my window of tolerance. I’m not doing this”.
I want to be numb. I want to go back to the days when I was void of all emotion. I used to be so frozen inside but it’s like I’m thawing out now. I don’t want my thoughts to be so loud or sounds to be so clear. When my head was heavy and foggy and I barely even remembered conversations I didn’t have to deal with any of this stuff. My brain dissociated for a reason.
I feel like I’m going crazy. The fear is strangling me. Choking me. Killing me …
I’m afraid of what’s going to happen to me. So much fear, that I’m going to just snap, go totally crazy, lose my sanity entirely.
Fear. Its trying to kill me. The fear of uncertainty. Not knowing from one minute to the next what I’m going to think or feel. The fear that I’m not strong enough … that I might find myself completely alone and have to navigate it all by myself – again … that I’m going to collapse under all the pressure … fear that I’m going to start but never be able to stop crying …
Fear kills.
*Video clip of me in the midst of a panic attack*
BUT ….
she also said that hope strengthens. Hope. I need strength. I need hope. I’m not going to find either if I just wait around for it to fall into my lap though. So I must make it my daily goal to seek out hope. I know it exists in more than just the ink on my wrist. I see it around me. I see that other ppl have it. Its just that it never feels like there’s any for me.
If you want something in this world you have to go after it right? Well, I want to be strong. I want hope to fill me and strengthen me.
Life is better when you make space for what you love.
It truly is.
This world will rob you of every ounce of happiness that you possess – if you let it. You have to be intentional about giving yourself something to look forward to. You have to prioritize your joy. Because if you wait for happiness to come to you you’ll be waiting a long time.
It has taken me my entire life to figure this out. I’d long for something good to happen to me. I’d envy ppl when I’d see them smiling. And I’d look really closely at their face and read their body language because you can tell when a smile or a laugh is genuine. And my heart would ache for that feeling.
Now I am learning that it’s possible for every one of us to feel that joy – but we have to be intentional. Look for it. Seek it out. Listen for it.
It doesn’t always come naturally. Maybe it’s a song. If a piece of music stirs your soul then listen to it every day if you have to! Maybe it comes from walking along the beach with waves at your feet. Maybe it’s in your child’s laughter. It could come to you in your car with the window rolled down and the wind blowing through your hair or at the dog park as your dog plays with a new friend. It could bubble up within you when you look at a piece of art you just created or it could come from the smile on your grandfather’s face when you walk into his room.
Seek out these things. Make room for them. Stop waiting for happiness to come to you. You just might be surprised by what you find if you truly look for it! 🦋
As soon as I sit up in the morning the attack begins. The team of critics living inside my head open their ugly mouths and just let loose.
“You should go out somewhere today. You should socialize. You need to meet some people and at least pretend to be a participating member of society. You are such a baby! You can’t even handle calling someone and inviting them over for coffee!! You hate being alone … just as much as you like it. You’re impossible to please! Remember how awful the loneliness feels?!! You feel invisible. Forgotten. You’re very existence on this earth is pointless! You crave attention. You long to be part of society.
Yet as bad as it all feels you can’t get out of your own way! Grow up!!! Stop acting so foolish. You panic just thinking about allowing another person to get close to you. Fear paralyzes you when there’s a knock at your door. Ppl tell you to give them a call sometime but your hand trembles even at the thought of picking up the phone. Useless is what you are. You’re just a stupid, fat monster. No one would want to be around you anyway. Ppl are embarrassed to be seen with you. You’re deformed. Ppl stare at your shoulder and wonder why you only have one arm. Your ugliness is impossible to ignore and it’s all ppl see. You turn their stomach!! You stupid b!t@h …”
And on and on it goes.
While this is all true I did not choose this solitary lifestyle. Rather it chose me. I keep my distance from groups of people while often avoiding one-on-one interactions as well. The stress of human interactions has become something I now need to keep at a minimum because it seems as if my ability to tolerate stress and anxiety has dropped extensively.
I cannot withstand stress the way that I used to. All my life I have thrived on adrenaline and often find myself seeking out situations that will provide me with some sort of a rush but these days I find that the rush I get from the stress is a bit too much. I feel myself buckling under the heavy load that I carry around on my shoulders. I do my best and commit myself to things even though sometimes I push beyond my limits. I push and push and push until I break and fall apart.
Today though I am going to accept my limitations. I will not push myself to the point of breaking – physically or emotionally. What I have to offer today is all that I am going to give.
My in-laws are here visiting for a few days. They come 3-4 times a year and stay with us for a few days. And every time I end up falling apart behind closed doors. The pressure to be the perfect daughter-in-law gets me every single time. But I’ve had enough!
They are here in MY home and I refuse to give them the power to destroy my peace and joy. After arriving yesterday evening I prepared lasagna for them. David was at work so I was on my own. That part didn’t bother me because it was only for that evening, and then he’s off for a few days.
But I need to vent here for a minute because I’m just so … exasperated! They made a big deal about missing us and wanting to come and spend some time with us. They dropped their bags on the floor in the kitchen and sat at the table, their attention going to their cell phones. I sat and chatted with them but it would have been more entertaining had I just talked to the wall.
So I busied myself with the meal and clean-up and they got up and left the room. But not before pulling several bottles of alcohol from their bags.
By 8pm both of them were slumped over on the couch, asleep. David got home from work and just shook his head in disbelief. We know that they both have a problem with alcohol. But to drive 4 hours to visit your kids only to drink yourself into a semi-coma state within a few hours of arriving is ridiculous, in my opinion.
But I can’t take this personally anymore. Usually, I would beat up on myself by thinking that I was boring. I’d tell myself that they hate being around me and that I am so fat and ugly that they can’t stand to be in the same room as me. I’d spiral into believing that my house was not good enough. It’s too hot, too cold, not clean enough, my couch isn’t comfy, too much dog fur, the scented candle is too strong, my shower curtain is ugly, it’s too dark, too bright … and on and on and on.
No more. It has to stop! Over the years I’ve allowed my sanity to crumble every time they visit. It usually takes about a week after they’ve left for my nervous system to settle down. And I’m tired of it! This is MY home. It is my safe space and no one should have the power to ruin it for me. They will no longer cause me to become physically ill from the stress.
They are responsible for their behavior and if they decide to come here and be rude and disrespectful then that’s on them. David was looking forward to spending a few days with his mom and step-father. His mom keeps saying how she misses us but now that she’s here she shows no interest whatsoever in our lives. David was telling them something about his job and she literally interrupted him to show him a picture of a garden ornament that her friend had just bought. David looked as if she’d slapped him in the face. It broke my heart.
When we went to bed David and I were talking and agreed we can’t let this get to us. We will not allow this to pull us down. I’m done catering to them and walking on eggshells to avoid doing anything that they don’t like. I’m gonna go about things as I always do. I’m going to sit in my favorite spot. I’m going to have the temperature the way we have it every day. My dogs will play and make noise and I refuse to shush them or take their toys away. I’m not letting them turn my week upside down. I’m not going to stand in my closet to cry and I’m certainly not going to spend today in the bathroom throwing up from the anxiety like I did yesterday. Nope!
I’m not letting my peace be ripped away from me by other ppl. I work too hard to maintain my sanity on a daily basis to let you come into my space and strip it away. You can be you but I will be ME and I’m not going to end up sick from the stress of your presence in my home. Not this time.
I don’t have the vocabulary to be able to adequately describe what I am feeling right now. There are simply no words that could do justice in explaining what’s in my heart.
Today was a good day. They’ve been few and far between lately but today the positives just seemed to accumulate, and for that, I am ever so grateful.
Now tonight … it’s hard to even breathe because I am just so overwhelmed. I love nature. I love being outdoors. I live with salt water mere feet from my doorstep. And I love summer nights. Lately, though, I have been so full of darkness that there has been little room for much else. My craving for peace and calm has been so intense that it has morphed into a physical ache.
Tonight as the day came to an end, I felt myself being quickly swallowed up by the darkness once again. I went out and sat on the back patio, to take in a few moments of fresh air before calling it a night, and the sky was incredible. I turned off all the outdoor lights on the house and positioned my chair to get the best view. I sat back and was simply in awe.
The stars were brighter than I ever recall seeing them before. Not a cloud in the sky, just hundreds and thousands of tiny sparkling lights. The longer I sat there on my patio in the dark, the more overwhelmed I felt. Sheer gratitude to be able to sit and see such beauty, with the sound of the light waves on the beach in the background. To be living and breathing and seeing and hearing is a blessing I am so often guilty of taking for granted.
I thanked God, for reminding me that no matter how dark things may appear, there’s always something beautiful waiting for me to experience. I am 42 years old and in my entire life, I’ve just seen one single shooting star. But tonight, in 2 hours, I witnessed 11 of them. ELEVEN!!!! It was like watching a screensaver on a computer screen.
I feel renewed. I feel refreshed. I feel … hopeful. My cries of desperation seemed to fall on deaf ears lately but I’m now reminded that things are not always as they seem. I believe I was given the opportunity to have this experience tonight so I could be reminded that God never turns a deaf ear to me. Not one tear that has fallen from my eyes has gone unnoticed. And that even though my mind has been full of so much darkness lately …
We took our Buddy boy to the vet yesterday. It was a different animal hospital this time. We’ve been less than pleased with the service from our regular vet clinic in recent months so we reached out for a second opinion.
Right eyeLeft eye
Well, what I thought would be a simple eye exam and some new medication to treat this ongoing eye infection, turned out to be way more. $843 to be exact. I’m just grateful to have had the money available on my visa. The entire experience at that animal hospital yesterday was top-notch. From the time we walked in the door we felt welcomed. The girls at the front desk were so friendly! They gave Buddy treats (and sent us home with 2 FREE bags of them) and one girl was down on the floor with him, giving him snuggles and ear rubs. Buddy was relaxed and at ease right from the start. He tends to have high anxiety where he pants and sometimes shivers, but there was none of that!
Sitting contentedly, watching another doggy leaving with his mom and being very curious about the 6 week old rescue kitten bundled up in a towel in a woman’s arms.
So, long story short, Buddy has a rare type of severe bacterial infection in both eyes, that’s made up of 3 different bacteria strains. They did a swab to check for infection and found this out. Because it’s rare, the swab is being sent to a lab in Nova Scotia to determine which combo of antibiotics will treat it. It will take 1-2 weeks to get results back. While we’re waiting he’s on Prednisone drops (steroid) to reduce inflammation.
He also has cataracts in both eyes. I’m livid that no one told us this, despite having 3 eye exams already at the other clinic. She said that unfortunately it’s progressive, which means the cataracts will gradually grow bigger and multiply and he could potentially lose his entire eyesight. In humans they do surgery but in order to get that for dogs we’d have to travel to PEI to see an optometrist. There’s an animal hospital there that performs eye surgery.
Being curious about the voices on the other side of this door
But … he’s 8 years old, and overweight. A trip like that and to undergo such a surgery would do more harm than good. Right now she said that he’s seeing ok, except there’s a big black spot in his line of vision. It didn’t happen overnight and it’s something dogs adapt very well to. He probably doesn’t even notice the fact it’s there because it’s been gradual. But, it will continue to progress. This chronic inflammation and infection needs to be cleared up because it is causing the cataracts to grow and spread faster than they should. The pressure level in his eyes was also high so she checked for Glaucoma but that was negative. Hopefully that pressure will drop down again once the infection is under control.
She then went on to say he has quite a few symptoms of diabetes. Drinks a lot more water than most dogs, is overweight, has cataracts, has high eye pressure, and the lumps/fatty cysts he has over his body are really concerning. The previous vet told me I was overreacting and to not worry so much when we brought him in about 3 golf ball-sized lumps on his chest and ribs. So ….. off he went to get bloodwork and a urinalysis.
If I stare at it long enough, maybe this door will open!
David and I went there hoping that this vet took us seriously about his eyes but she was INCREDIBLE!! She was very thorough and clearly wanted the best outcome from him and she didn’t mind taking the time to do that. She told us to leave, go get lunch, and come back in an hour to go over the results and treatment plan. They even offered to keep BOTH Buddy and Zoey there if we wanted to go in somewhere to sit down for lunch. We took them with us though because I didn’t want to leave them there in a kennel, but it was super nice of them.
Such a good boy!
Boodwork came back … no diabetes!!! Thank God. His white cell count was elevated but that’s from the infection. Also, a few things showed up with his kidneys. And his urine was extremely diluted. Similar to plain water. He should be flushing out more toxins. So there are 2 rare medical conditions that he might possibly have which would explain everything but it requires further investigation. We have to measure his water intake over 24 hrs, 2 separate times. And we need to get an early morning pee sample to bring in. Which we’ll do when we go for my next pain treatment. She’s wondering if he has what’s called Diabetes Insipidus (different from sugar diabetes).
“”Diabetes insipidus (DI) is rare in dogs, and is characterized by excessive thirst/drinking and the production of enormous volumes of extremely dilute urine. Some dogs may produce so much urine that they become incontinent (incapable of controlling their urine outflow). The irony of this disease is that despite drinking large volumes of water, the dog can become dehydrated from urinating so much.””
Being comforted by Dad, after being poked and prodded
She told us that she’s only had 2 dogs in her career with it. But she’s the ideal one to treat it because she has it herself! She told us to NEVER restrict his water intake, especially until we figure out if he has it. He can become dehydrated even with regular water intake, and it could become deadly. She said she herself has to take medication for hers and if she misses it, in less than 3 hours she’s shaking and vomiting from dehydration, even if she drinks water. It’s very scary. It has to do with the pituitary gland not producing enough of the ADH hormone.
So, that’s where we’re at. We have pet insurance on them so we should get reimbursed for 50% of our vet bills. It’s still incredibly expensive. We’ve had several vet visits for him already this year (plus several with Zoey) and each time it’s been over $200. It’s adding up fast! But my are my world and we are going to do whatever it takes to have them healthy and happy.
So tomorrow morning I’ll start measuring his water. Then in a few days I’ll do it again then call in the numbers to the vet. Then they’ll check an early morning pee because it SHOULD be more concentrated. But if it’s still very diluted it will be safe to say that he has Diabetes Insipidus and will require medication for the rest of his life.
We’re also switching both of them to a high-fiber diet. She approved of the food we feed them. But prescribed a powder that we can add each day to increase the fiber. Or we could go with prescription food. Which she said is incredibly expensive. The powder was recommended because we already feed them with a vet recommended food.
My head is still spinning from all of this. But, one step at a time, one breath at a time. Hopefully the eye swab cultures come back soon and we can get him on the proper antibiotic to clear it up.
Personally, I think the path to happiness is paved with appreciation for the simple pleasures in our lives. Making this list today reminded me that I am surrounded by a beautiful tapestry of joy. I’m so often blinded by so much darkness around me that I tend to forget that beauty still exists. From the warmth of sunlight to the gentle nudges from my dogs, each thing adds a unique hue to the blend of beauty that resonates within me.
It’s there. Joy does exist. I know there is more to me and my life than darkness, mental illness, pain, and suffering. During a hospitalization, a very rude psychiatrist once told me that I am ‘leaving behind a terrible legacy’. Those were his words. And that has stayed with me. Not exactly the kindest thing to say to a suicidal individual. But, I digress.
During a session with my therapist on Tuesday, she said something along the lines of there being more to me than just being a complex case. So often I’ve been labeled as difficult … unique … challenging … complicated … and my favorite – complex. More often than not it’s all doom and gloom, jumping from one crisis to the next, with me. Ppl don’t think of beauty … or courage … or strength … or determination … and certainly not joy or happiness … when they think of me. So in a way, I guess that psychiatrist was right after all. If I died today, the legacy I leave will not be a joyful one.
So I decided to take some time to reflect on what brings me joy on a personal level. The following list is what I came up with and it has really opened my eyes to be able to see that beauty does exist in my life. My struggles are what others see. And more often than not, it’s what I see too. So if you are anything like me, I challenge you to take a few moments to intentionally think of the things that bring you joy.
But don’t be discouraged. It has actually taken me a few days to write this post because happy things don’t naturally come to mind for me. But if you be patient and intentional I think you will be pleasantly surprised by what you come up with. And please, feel free to leave a comment below and share, even just one thing, that brings joy to your life. Let’s shift the conversation for a moment and flood my blog with beautiful things! We could all use some of that today. 🦋
My relationship with God. I list this first and foremost because other things would not be possible without it. It’s not only a source of joy, it’s my everything. My life revolves around my faith. It’s where my hope, my comfort, and my strength radiate from.
The warmth of sun on my face.
Hearing ppl laughing out loud, especially kids. It’s infectious. When was the last time you heard someone laughing and you didn’t smile in return?
The smell of homemade bread. It reminds me of my Nan.
The way words and harmonies go together to create music. Everything about music brings me joy.
Nature. Anything and everything about nature brings me joy. Especially the awe-inspiring sight of sunrises and sunsets. Each time it’s like watching the Master Artist paint a new picture just for me because at my unique location and position I’m the only one with that particular view.
The talents that some people possess just blows my mind. Witnessing creative expression, whether it be through a song, video, dance, writing, painting, etc That brings me joy.
Being able to perform a random act of kindness. I love paying for the next person’s coffee order in Tim’s drive thru.
The love and affection I receive from my 2 dogs.
Being productive. The sense of achievement I get when I check something off my to-do list.
Dancing. Losing myself in the rhythm and movement of music. Actually feeling the music in my body.
Rainy days. The calming sound of heavy rain on the window. Not the misty, dreary kind of rain. But rather the kind that just pours from the heavens.
Discovering new books. Finding a work of literary art that leaves me wanting more after the last word is read (or heard, as most of my books are in audiobook format these days).
Random encounters. Striking up conversations with strangers that leave lasting impressions.
Hugs. Embracing (and being embraced) by another person and feeling their warmth. I’m not a touchy-feely kind of person but a genuine hug from someone I trust is something I actually crave sometimes and it brings me joy.
Scented candles. I love the soothing ambiance of the flickering flame and the fragrances they give off.
Watching the stars. It’s so enchanting.
Learning something new. Especially when it turns into a hobby. I learned about Neurographic art through a random tiktok video and it has since turned into a wonderful hobby and it brings me so much joy.
Acts of generosity. I love the feeling that comes with helping others.
Animals. No explanation is necessary because everything about animals (especially dogs) brings me joy!
It is in cherishing these things that I find joy and contentment in the midst of the challenges in my life. It is through gratitude that I unlock the doors to genuine happiness, and each day becomes an opportunity to celebrate the blessings that bring light and joy into my life. Fostering an attitude of gratitude is what allows me to savor these moments.
My mental health has been on a steady decline for a couple of months now. There’s been a lot that’s happened, in succession, and the stress of it all has been accumulating. Trying to manage both physical and mental illnesses why all this life stuff has been coming at me was too much and I crashed. As a result, every area of my life is now suffering.
A little over 2 weeks ago something inside of me just cracked and I attempted to end my life. In a moment of desperation, needing the mental anguish to just stop, I chose what I thought would be the solution.
After spending the past 2 weeks in the hospital, in the Intensive Care Unit, here I am sitting in the car with my husband, as we travel to his parents’ place for a 60th birthday celebration (tomorrow). I was discharged yesterday, after being cleared as well enough to leave. I feel a million miles away right now. Certainly not in the frame of mind for a party. I really don’t want to be around people.
Can I just say one more thing?
Our health care system here in Newfoundland, Canada is … I’m biting my tongue here because every word coming to mind could get me banned from WordPress … so I’m just going to say … it SUCKS.
It’s sad. Based on my own experiences my heart aches for those needing services. If it happened to me then I’m sure it’s happening to countless others.
In my opinion, if someone almost successfully takes their life and then sits in front of you and says they are not able to function because they are so mentally unwell, I don’t this it’s even sensible to suggest they develop a better sleep routine and that you’ll chat with them in 6 to 8 weeks.
You’re not crazy. It has all been real, and it stretched you, and at times, it has felt as if it would even kill you. Their words broke your heart. Their actions broke your trust. That injury broke your body. That illness broke your hope. That circumstance broke your spirit. BUT GOD… He came to overcome it all. And guess what? It never broke you! It challenged you, and it LOST!
You’re still here. You’re not “just” a survivor. You’re a fighter. You’re a warrior. And yes, you may be covered in scars, but they are scars of deaths defeat! Your scars have become a memoir of your journey, and they tell ONLY a story of triumph!
You see, they don’t see you the same way anymore, because a warrior was birthed from the destruction and fires in your life! What was meant to kill you, didn’t and while some keep judging you for starting over, others are clapping because you never quit! You went into the flames covered in life’s grit, but came out of the fire polished in Gods grace!
The abuse, the pain, the anxiety, the bullying, the fear, the anguish, the doubt, the worry, the crushing, the pulling, the words, the moments, the days and the years – were real, but so was your strength and resilience. You did it. You survived everything they said you wouldn’t! You are still standing, and you are a WARRIOR!
You did not come this far for nothing. I promise you. And deep inside your heart, you know it too.
Yet all the setbacks and all the obstacles and all the dark paths you have faced along the way make you question if you have truly made any progress at all.
Do you remember at the beginning when you could barely see the next moment? Now look at you.
You have grown. And taken chances. And fallen. And gotten back up.
And i think that if you were to be honest, you would admit that occasionally when the light shines just so onto your bedroom walls, you can see a glimmer of something. Something that wasn’t there before.
A dream, perhaps. Or a heartbeat that rises up from a place you never thought you had. You are not just trying. You are doing this.
And every step forward is a step in the right direction. Keep going darling. You’ve got places to go.
Remember, in order to get there you have to actually be here. So don’t throw in the towel just yet. Just you wait and see. Your sunshine is on its way. It won’t keep raining forever.
So far, September is seeming to be much less eventful than August was. I need to buckle down and get myself back into some sort of routine though. The whole month of August was nuts and routine was non-existent. But without it, I feel like I’m just aimlessly seeking out the next thing to do, not really accomplishing anything at all. I started this blog around the same time life threw me a few curve balls and I haven’t been able to put much time into writing here but hopefully that will change now.
August was eventful, to say the least. There’s been very little downtime as we’ve been really busy with various activities and events. As someone who deals with fairly intense anxiety on a regular basis, I’m feeling quite overwhelmed with everything now. Its like everything that’s been happening the past few weeks just hit me full force this weekend and I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me. I’d like to lock myself in a cool, dark, room so that I can just sleep for a while. My brain is buzzing and I need everything to just stop for a few minutes. Its so loud inside my head. Its such a strange feeling and rather difficult to describe. I imagine that there’s an electric current running through my veins, causing my insides to vibrate, and it brings with it a level of physical pain.
Speaking of pain, I’m still trying to heal from a wrist injury, that resulted from a careless move on my part. Typing with 2 fingers has become a new skill of mine. As a left arm amputee, my right hand is a part of me that I can’t risk having trouble with. That’s the last thing I need!
In August I also learned that I had a minor heart attack. Question … how does one have a heart attack, even a minor one, and not know it?? Not sure, but apparently I did. The dr himself even found this mind boggling. He was a nice guy though. So that was a relief. I have a hard time with doctors. Pretty much anything medical, really. Which tends to make things complicated because the past couple of years I have had more than my fair share of dealings with medical practitioners. This heart attack thing has me reeling though. They are saying that nothing actually appears wrong with my heart and that it was brought on by a combination of intense anxiety and an electrolyte imbalance. When you have an eating disorder you know that there are dangers associated but you don’t actually think any of it will happen. Until it does. Shit becomes real then.
There have been lots of changes in my life this summer and it doesn’t take much to throw me out of my routine. Even the slightest shift in plans often throws me off. I’m fairly positive though that despite a few bad decisions and the use of some old, negative coping skills (hence my injured wrist) I feel like I’ve handled things fairly well. And the highlight in August was an opportunity to go on vacation for a week … and it was pure bliss!
We drove east for 7 hours, out to the Burin Peninsula, to a place called Golden Sands Resort. We rented a cabin there for the week. During our days there we were able to visit 7 different towns and in each place we explored all that the town had to offer. We did everything from hiking trails and museums to sitting on the beach and watching the sunset. We visited 5 lighthouses and ate Newfoundland’s #1 cheesecake (and iced coffee of course!) in the most adorable little coffee shop I’ve ever seen. It was the highlight of not just the summer, but of my entire year.
So as you can see, August was a bit hectic. I’m grateful for this new month but at the same time I feel a little sad. The hours of sunlight are decreasing and the evening temperatures are getting cooler. Fall is coming, which brings us even closer to winter. The very thought of the dark days of winter makes me feel sick. But right now it is September and I’m going to make the most of every bit of it!
Some people have no idea how much they light up the rooms they enter, how they can shift an atmosphere and how much inspiration they carry, just by being their authentic self. You could be a walking love letter and not even know it!
Her Complex Musings 
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