Well, the comfort I was receiving from the hot water bottle was wonderful. Except, it was short-lived. Through no fault of its own though! That hot water bottle was / STILL IS an incredible tool in my Skills Box.
A lot has happened lately. Maybe a slight percentage has been a genuine response to trauma and/or illness, and not something I had complete control over …. but when you choose to do something, YOU are the reason it happens. So whatever happens is your fault, isn’t it?
I’ve put my body through absolute torture these past 2 weeks and its going to take a while to settle from it all. Unless you deal with it on your own personal level, absolutely no one will ever comprehend what its like to live with a brain that wants me dead.
I can’t help but feel a little jealous … I’m actually more than a little jealous, but I digress … of the ppl I hear and read about who also deal with depression, PTSD, eating disorders, BPD, dissociation, and so on who have found ways to still live productive lives and can maintain a level of stability that is acceptable in other ppl’s eyes. I’ve been dealing with this stuff for several decades … and I have yet to discover what ‘stable’ looks and feels like.
I don’t get angry very often but right now I feel absolutely PISSED – at everyone and everything. All I want is to be able to eat, drink, sleep, and socialize with other ppl the way other stable, functional human beings do every single day. It really isn’t that much to ask, is it?
I want to live … and experience things outside of survival. That’s all I want. I’ve totally got the survival part figured out. Now, I just want to live.
Breathe … Remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this depressed and uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you survived.
Breathe … You can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re excruciating, I know. But honey, you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. I promise! It might not be right away, but soon, they are going to fade and it won’t feel as awful as it does right now.
Breathe … You can do this. And when these crushing feelings do pass, you’ll look back at this moment and wonder why you ever doubted your own resilience. I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing … again and again.
This will pass. I promise it will pass. Just breathe.
I see you. I see how much it hurts. The pain just keeps multiplying and spreading. And yes! How right you are in thinking that the saying “Time heals all wounds” is a big old dirty pile of poo-poo.
You’re right! No one understands. How could they?! It’s frustrating, I know, sweetheart. But it’s not their fault. Nobody else on God’s great earth has walked in your exact footsteps.
So no, they don’t understand the kind of pain that bends you over and brings you to your knees like you were punched in the gut … but 10x worse than that. They don’t understand the kind of pain that hurts so much it’s wordless and that itself makes it hurt even more because you can’t say it out loud.
Beautiful Soul, I see you. I’ve heard every single time you’ve laughed and I’ve held you every time you’ve cried. How do you think you’ve made it this far?
Repeat after me: I am going to be ok.
I know you feel safe in the bathroom so stand in front of that mirror. Say it – again and again and again. That tear-stained face being reflected at you … tell her …
She’s going to be ok.
I am going to be ok.
I AM going to be ok!
Honey, I need you to hear me. LISTEN TO MY WORDS … ! I know it’s scary to trust what anyone says but you and I, we are the same! We are in this together. I am that little whisper you sometimes hear. You told Dr. Jeff about me. You told him that you wish you could hear from me more often and that I would be louder.
Well, here I am! I will become louder the moment you start to listen and trust that I, your true Self, want nothing but the best for you! I’ve got you.
I know it’s been a horror beyond words. Betrayal doesn’t cover it. Neither does violation. Neither does grief or heartache. No word exists for this kind of thing.
Sometimes it splits you, opens you, and spreads you apart. You find yourself trying desperately to hold together the pieces that are left. It hurts, to not know who you could have been, had things been different.
Except, it wasn’t.
Its time to accept the person you’ve become, and stop trying to be a version of you that only exists in your imagination. Pay attention to the person staring back at you. Love her!
That girl came through a crucible of fire to be standing here today. That girl is a beautiful soul.
Sometimes it’s a dog that fills the void. The room feels so different when she isn’t in it.
People come and go and they will repeatedly let you down. They make promises they can’t keep, love you – but with conditions, and leave when things get hard. But a dog? A dog just stays. No questions, no demands. She’s just there, filling the empty spaces you didn’t even realize you had growing inside you.
It’s strange, isn’t it? How something so small can take up so much room in your life?
Well no, not strange. It’s just … rare. The kind of love that doesn’t ask for anything but still gives you everything in return. The kind that’s always there when you need it most, and somehow, without a single word, it reminds you that you are worthy of being loved.
Zoey, my 9-year-old yellow lab, is lying beside me in my hotel room tonight. She’s bringing a desperately needed sense of calm to my anxious nervous system. I have been in and out of fight, flight and freeze all week. We traveled 5 hrs today and checked in to a hotel for the night. In the morning I have an appointment for a special medical test that can only be done in this particular hospital.
I am an amputee. I lost my left arm in a car accident 10 yrs ago so I have been living with just one hand. Last week I seriously injured that hand and it has had devastating consequences. Life changing. I am looking at partial to full loss of use of the full hand and wrist, which would strip me of most of my independence.
I’m scared. This test tomorrow will determine which type of surgery they will be performing and whether or not it can be repaired. There are a lot of unknowns and the fear is trying to strangle the life out of me.
But as I lay here with my girl beside me, listening to her deep relaxed breathing I am reminded to take a deep breath of my own. I realize that there’s nothing I can do tonight other than rest. Worrying is only causing more suffering. Tomorrow will come and I will face each challenge as it comes. So for now, I’m going to pause and appreciate the presence of my beautiful furry companion.
I’m going to reclaim my peace tonight as I allow the love of my dog to calm the fear and anxiety within me. With no questions or demands, I know Zoey will bring comfort to my hurting soul.
After spending the last month in hospital on a psych unit, I’m in my own home tonight. I thought often of writing about my experiences while I was there but each time I would just stare at the blank screen and think things like …
Who really wants to hear about a hospital, much less a psyc unit full of crazy ppl?
What if I’m oversharing?
What if ppl start to look at me as a crazy person now?
Someone who knows me in real life might recognize me and then everyone in town will know things about me and will never look at me the same way again.
You get the idea. So I have not written anything in a month. I’ve kept myself locked up and silenced because of shame. Well, you know what? Screw everybody! I don’t care what ppl think!
Me and Buddy
Sorry, that’s not very nice of me. I don’t mean that. I really do care what ppl think. I care too much. That’s the problem.
I need to be a little selfish and think of myself sometimes. Particularly about writing. I love to write but I’m so focused on other ppl and what they think that it prevents me from genuinely expressing myself, both in real life and online. I want to work on changing that. I want to write from my heart. I want to be genuine and honest and tell things the way I want to tell them, without shame.
I just want to relax a bit and be myself. I want to let go of the shame and judgment. I truly am my own worst enemy.
Some days you just gotta give in. Self-care today has consisted of a whole lot of nothing. No make up. No hair styling. An old pair of ripped jeans. (Which we all know are the best anyway) And an old baggy sweater. I’ve had slippers on over my fuzzy socks and a blanket has been kept within reach.
I am both mentally and physically exhausted. It’s day 4 or 5 of this recent CRPS flare. I’ve lost track, as the days and nights have kinda blended into one another. Chronic pain can be brutal on any level. But these flare-ups of Complex Regional Pain Syndrome push things to a whole different level.
My body can’t regulate it’s temperature. I go from shivering to sweating and back again in the blink of an eye. Even a light sensation of something against my legs or feet feels like razor blades slicing through my skin. I feel like my upper body is currently wrapped tightly in barbed wire with electricity shooting through it.
Up until last night, I have been pushing through, not letting the pain slow me down. But while picking up dog toys around the house before bed, nausea swept over me and the vomiting started. It was a long night of trying to lay still and keep my breath regulated because each time I moved I’d throw up.
So today, I was forced to prioritize rest. Maybe I should have done this before. But I guess in the back of my mind I just feel that by resting, I’m letting the pain win. I keep hoping that it will all be OK and will go away again in a day or 2. Except I should know by now that these flares never go away that quickly.
Rest is hard for me. Especially during the daytime. But I have to say that I actually enjoyed having this down time today. My boy was by my side (and my head!) all day. There’s such a profound level of comfort that comes with having a dog next to me. It puts my entire self at ease when I feel the warmth from their body against mine.
I ate without putting too much focus on good vs. bad food. I treated myself to some diet pop and chewed bubble gum like there was no tomorrow. Netflix took a chunk of my afternoon once I got caught up in a series called Cobra Kai and while I did do laundry, it still sits in the basket waiting to be folded. But hey, at least it’s clean!
Days like this require a lot of self-talk. Constantly needing to tell myself that it’s perfectly OK for me to rest, that it doesn’t mean I’m a fat, lazy, slob. Maybe this wasn’t actually an unproductive day. But rather a day where repair took place. Maybe even a little healing and restoration. Because my pain level has dropped from an 8 this morning to about a 4 or 5 here now at 9pm. So I must have done something right!
Life is better when you make space for what you love.
It truly is.
This world will rob you of every ounce of happiness that you possess – if you let it. You have to be intentional about giving yourself something to look forward to. You have to prioritize your joy. Because if you wait for happiness to come to you you’ll be waiting a long time.
It has taken me my entire life to figure this out. I’d long for something good to happen to me. I’d envy ppl when I’d see them smiling. And I’d look really closely at their face and read their body language because you can tell when a smile or a laugh is genuine. And my heart would ache for that feeling.
Now I am learning that it’s possible for every one of us to feel that joy – but we have to be intentional. Look for it. Seek it out. Listen for it.
It doesn’t always come naturally. Maybe it’s a song. If a piece of music stirs your soul then listen to it every day if you have to! Maybe it comes from walking along the beach with waves at your feet. Maybe it’s in your child’s laughter. It could come to you in your car with the window rolled down and the wind blowing through your hair or at the dog park as your dog plays with a new friend. It could bubble up within you when you look at a piece of art you just created or it could come from the smile on your grandfather’s face when you walk into his room.
Seek out these things. Make room for them. Stop waiting for happiness to come to you. You just might be surprised by what you find if you truly look for it! 🦋
As soon as I sit up in the morning the attack begins. The team of critics living inside my head open their ugly mouths and just let loose.
“You should go out somewhere today. You should socialize. You need to meet some people and at least pretend to be a participating member of society. You are such a baby! You can’t even handle calling someone and inviting them over for coffee!! You hate being alone … just as much as you like it. You’re impossible to please! Remember how awful the loneliness feels?!! You feel invisible. Forgotten. You’re very existence on this earth is pointless! You crave attention. You long to be part of society.
Yet as bad as it all feels you can’t get out of your own way! Grow up!!! Stop acting so foolish. You panic just thinking about allowing another person to get close to you. Fear paralyzes you when there’s a knock at your door. Ppl tell you to give them a call sometime but your hand trembles even at the thought of picking up the phone. Useless is what you are. You’re just a stupid, fat monster. No one would want to be around you anyway. Ppl are embarrassed to be seen with you. You’re deformed. Ppl stare at your shoulder and wonder why you only have one arm. Your ugliness is impossible to ignore and it’s all ppl see. You turn their stomach!! You stupid b!t@h …”
And on and on it goes.
While this is all true I did not choose this solitary lifestyle. Rather it chose me. I keep my distance from groups of people while often avoiding one-on-one interactions as well. The stress of human interactions has become something I now need to keep at a minimum because it seems as if my ability to tolerate stress and anxiety has dropped extensively.
I cannot withstand stress the way that I used to. All my life I have thrived on adrenaline and often find myself seeking out situations that will provide me with some sort of a rush but these days I find that the rush I get from the stress is a bit too much. I feel myself buckling under the heavy load that I carry around on my shoulders. I do my best and commit myself to things even though sometimes I push beyond my limits. I push and push and push until I break and fall apart.
Today though I am going to accept my limitations. I will not push myself to the point of breaking – physically or emotionally. What I have to offer today is all that I am going to give.
My in-laws are here visiting for a few days. They come 3-4 times a year and stay with us for a few days. And every time I end up falling apart behind closed doors. The pressure to be the perfect daughter-in-law gets me every single time. But I’ve had enough!
They are here in MY home and I refuse to give them the power to destroy my peace and joy. After arriving yesterday evening I prepared lasagna for them. David was at work so I was on my own. That part didn’t bother me because it was only for that evening, and then he’s off for a few days.
But I need to vent here for a minute because I’m just so … exasperated! They made a big deal about missing us and wanting to come and spend some time with us. They dropped their bags on the floor in the kitchen and sat at the table, their attention going to their cell phones. I sat and chatted with them but it would have been more entertaining had I just talked to the wall.
So I busied myself with the meal and clean-up and they got up and left the room. But not before pulling several bottles of alcohol from their bags.
By 8pm both of them were slumped over on the couch, asleep. David got home from work and just shook his head in disbelief. We know that they both have a problem with alcohol. But to drive 4 hours to visit your kids only to drink yourself into a semi-coma state within a few hours of arriving is ridiculous, in my opinion.
But I can’t take this personally anymore. Usually, I would beat up on myself by thinking that I was boring. I’d tell myself that they hate being around me and that I am so fat and ugly that they can’t stand to be in the same room as me. I’d spiral into believing that my house was not good enough. It’s too hot, too cold, not clean enough, my couch isn’t comfy, too much dog fur, the scented candle is too strong, my shower curtain is ugly, it’s too dark, too bright … and on and on and on.
No more. It has to stop! Over the years I’ve allowed my sanity to crumble every time they visit. It usually takes about a week after they’ve left for my nervous system to settle down. And I’m tired of it! This is MY home. It is my safe space and no one should have the power to ruin it for me. They will no longer cause me to become physically ill from the stress.
They are responsible for their behavior and if they decide to come here and be rude and disrespectful then that’s on them. David was looking forward to spending a few days with his mom and step-father. His mom keeps saying how she misses us but now that she’s here she shows no interest whatsoever in our lives. David was telling them something about his job and she literally interrupted him to show him a picture of a garden ornament that her friend had just bought. David looked as if she’d slapped him in the face. It broke my heart.
When we went to bed David and I were talking and agreed we can’t let this get to us. We will not allow this to pull us down. I’m done catering to them and walking on eggshells to avoid doing anything that they don’t like. I’m gonna go about things as I always do. I’m going to sit in my favorite spot. I’m going to have the temperature the way we have it every day. My dogs will play and make noise and I refuse to shush them or take their toys away. I’m not letting them turn my week upside down. I’m not going to stand in my closet to cry and I’m certainly not going to spend today in the bathroom throwing up from the anxiety like I did yesterday. Nope!
I’m not letting my peace be ripped away from me by other ppl. I work too hard to maintain my sanity on a daily basis to let you come into my space and strip it away. You can be you but I will be ME and I’m not going to end up sick from the stress of your presence in my home. Not this time.
Personally, I think the path to happiness is paved with appreciation for the simple pleasures in our lives. Making this list today reminded me that I am surrounded by a beautiful tapestry of joy. I’m so often blinded by so much darkness around me that I tend to forget that beauty still exists. From the warmth of sunlight to the gentle nudges from my dogs, each thing adds a unique hue to the blend of beauty that resonates within me.
It’s there. Joy does exist. I know there is more to me and my life than darkness, mental illness, pain, and suffering. During a hospitalization, a very rude psychiatrist once told me that I am ‘leaving behind a terrible legacy’. Those were his words. And that has stayed with me. Not exactly the kindest thing to say to a suicidal individual. But, I digress.
During a session with my therapist on Tuesday, she said something along the lines of there being more to me than just being a complex case. So often I’ve been labeled as difficult … unique … challenging … complicated … and my favorite – complex. More often than not it’s all doom and gloom, jumping from one crisis to the next, with me. Ppl don’t think of beauty … or courage … or strength … or determination … and certainly not joy or happiness … when they think of me. So in a way, I guess that psychiatrist was right after all. If I died today, the legacy I leave will not be a joyful one.
So I decided to take some time to reflect on what brings me joy on a personal level. The following list is what I came up with and it has really opened my eyes to be able to see that beauty does exist in my life. My struggles are what others see. And more often than not, it’s what I see too. So if you are anything like me, I challenge you to take a few moments to intentionally think of the things that bring you joy.
But don’t be discouraged. It has actually taken me a few days to write this post because happy things don’t naturally come to mind for me. But if you be patient and intentional I think you will be pleasantly surprised by what you come up with. And please, feel free to leave a comment below and share, even just one thing, that brings joy to your life. Let’s shift the conversation for a moment and flood my blog with beautiful things! We could all use some of that today. 🦋
My relationship with God. I list this first and foremost because other things would not be possible without it. It’s not only a source of joy, it’s my everything. My life revolves around my faith. It’s where my hope, my comfort, and my strength radiate from.
The warmth of sun on my face.
Hearing ppl laughing out loud, especially kids. It’s infectious. When was the last time you heard someone laughing and you didn’t smile in return?
The smell of homemade bread. It reminds me of my Nan.
The way words and harmonies go together to create music. Everything about music brings me joy.
Nature. Anything and everything about nature brings me joy. Especially the awe-inspiring sight of sunrises and sunsets. Each time it’s like watching the Master Artist paint a new picture just for me because at my unique location and position I’m the only one with that particular view.
The talents that some people possess just blows my mind. Witnessing creative expression, whether it be through a song, video, dance, writing, painting, etc That brings me joy.
Being able to perform a random act of kindness. I love paying for the next person’s coffee order in Tim’s drive thru.
The love and affection I receive from my 2 dogs.
Being productive. The sense of achievement I get when I check something off my to-do list.
Dancing. Losing myself in the rhythm and movement of music. Actually feeling the music in my body.
Rainy days. The calming sound of heavy rain on the window. Not the misty, dreary kind of rain. But rather the kind that just pours from the heavens.
Discovering new books. Finding a work of literary art that leaves me wanting more after the last word is read (or heard, as most of my books are in audiobook format these days).
Random encounters. Striking up conversations with strangers that leave lasting impressions.
Hugs. Embracing (and being embraced) by another person and feeling their warmth. I’m not a touchy-feely kind of person but a genuine hug from someone I trust is something I actually crave sometimes and it brings me joy.
Scented candles. I love the soothing ambiance of the flickering flame and the fragrances they give off.
Watching the stars. It’s so enchanting.
Learning something new. Especially when it turns into a hobby. I learned about Neurographic art through a random tiktok video and it has since turned into a wonderful hobby and it brings me so much joy.
Acts of generosity. I love the feeling that comes with helping others.
Animals. No explanation is necessary because everything about animals (especially dogs) brings me joy!
It is in cherishing these things that I find joy and contentment in the midst of the challenges in my life. It is through gratitude that I unlock the doors to genuine happiness, and each day becomes an opportunity to celebrate the blessings that bring light and joy into my life. Fostering an attitude of gratitude is what allows me to savor these moments.
You’re not crazy. It has all been real, and it stretched you, and at times, it has felt as if it would even kill you. Their words broke your heart. Their actions broke your trust. That injury broke your body. That illness broke your hope. That circumstance broke your spirit. BUT GOD… He came to overcome it all. And guess what? It never broke you! It challenged you, and it LOST!
You’re still here. You’re not “just” a survivor. You’re a fighter. You’re a warrior. And yes, you may be covered in scars, but they are scars of deaths defeat! Your scars have become a memoir of your journey, and they tell ONLY a story of triumph!
You see, they don’t see you the same way anymore, because a warrior was birthed from the destruction and fires in your life! What was meant to kill you, didn’t and while some keep judging you for starting over, others are clapping because you never quit! You went into the flames covered in life’s grit, but came out of the fire polished in Gods grace!
The abuse, the pain, the anxiety, the bullying, the fear, the anguish, the doubt, the worry, the crushing, the pulling, the words, the moments, the days and the years – were real, but so was your strength and resilience. You did it. You survived everything they said you wouldn’t! You are still standing, and you are a WARRIOR!
You did not come this far for nothing. I promise you. And deep inside your heart, you know it too.
Yet all the setbacks and all the obstacles and all the dark paths you have faced along the way make you question if you have truly made any progress at all.
Do you remember at the beginning when you could barely see the next moment? Now look at you.
You have grown. And taken chances. And fallen. And gotten back up.
And i think that if you were to be honest, you would admit that occasionally when the light shines just so onto your bedroom walls, you can see a glimmer of something. Something that wasn’t there before.
A dream, perhaps. Or a heartbeat that rises up from a place you never thought you had. You are not just trying. You are doing this.
And every step forward is a step in the right direction. Keep going darling. You’ve got places to go.
Remember, in order to get there you have to actually be here. So don’t throw in the towel just yet. Just you wait and see. Your sunshine is on its way. It won’t keep raining forever.
1. Do you put ketchup on hotdog? Not a fan of either 2. Choice of pop? Sprite Zero 3. Do you put salt on watermelon? What?! Ppl actually do that?? Gross!! 4. Can you swim? No. Never learned as a child. Too afraid of losing my breath. 5. How do you eat your steak? Well done 6. Favorite food? Soups 7. Do you believe in ghosts? The Holy ghost and evil spirits 8. What do you drink in the morning? Cranberry juice and water (half and half) 9. Can you do 100 push ups? Hahaha!!!! Yeah right. 10. Summer, Winter, Spring, Fall? Fall. Gotta love hoodie weather 11. Favourite animal? Dogs! Guinea pigs are a close second 12. Tattoos? 5 (so far) 13. Do you wear glasses? yes but not all the time 14. Do you have any fears in this crazy world? Yeah, more than I’d like to admit 15. Do you have a nickname? Angel 16. Favorite Candy? Gummy bears are the best. Duh. But there’s no candy in existence that I would not try. Especially if they’re sour. 17. Favorite smell? Salt water air 18. Rain or Snow? Snow. The dogs like it better and it’s not as messy 19. Can you change a tire? No. I don’t drive. 20. Favorite flower? I very much prefer house plants 21. Can you drive a stick? Nope 22. Kids? Two (they have 4 legs and lots of fur) 24. Favorite colour? Black or pink 25. Food you refuse to eat? Rabbit meat, seal meat, anything spicy
In case no one has told you yet today, let me to be the first to say, “You really are doing enough.”
You are here. Breathe in everything you have experienced these past few weeks. Everything that brought you to this moment.
You are choosing to be intentional about your healing journey.
And your choice is enough.
This day … this moment … may not look like any of us thought it would look or how we wish things would be going … but I want to invite you to gently consider the truth that you are doing your best to do your best, and your best is good enough.
Sometimes I need to be reminded of things that are outside of this particular moment. I get so caught up in what I’m feeling rightnow or I get stuck in a memory loop, where I have one specific flashback that plays repeatedly, consuming me … I forget that I have an entire life outside of this place where I’m stuck. That’s where I have been discovering that any type of visual reminder, of a positive moment, helps me to become grounded. I have added a few videos and pictures to a folder on my phone and I’ve been sitting here in my bathroom, watching the videos on repeat.
This one shows a moment from this summer that has stayed with me very vividly. The way I felt in that moment was something I became very mindful of so I’m guessing that’s why I can feel it to be so real. I had been walking the beach near my house and my 2 dogs were with me. We’d had 2 days of rain so they were super happy to be outside and get to run around. When I stopped I took in all of my surroundings and I felt such an incredible warm feeling run through the center of my chest. Everything in that moment bordered on perfection. The direction of the sun, the temperature, the light breeze in my hair, the warmth from the sun shining down on my face, my dogs barking after each other as they zoom past me to chase each other through the salt water …
There are always things that you can cling to in moments of difficulty that can serve as an anchor. You might have one specific thing or many different ones. Whatever the case might be, use them. If you have to watch a 17 second video 29 times in a row to get the trembling in your bones to stop, then do it. You so deserve to be reminded of these moments of joy when the weight of depression is trying to crush you.
Having achors to keep you grounded is a great tool to have in your toolbox. One of my go-to skills.
Her Complex Musings 
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