Sometimes the deepest feelings are the ones I can’t name. They’re too heavy, too tangled. Its like trying to hold water in your hand, impossible to get a grip.
Are you struggling to find the perfect words to accurately describe the weight of your experience? I want to tell you something that I wish someone had told me a long time ago:
Your silence does not make your experience any less real or valid.
If you’re carrying something that feels too big to share, please remember that your worth and strength aren’t defined by words, but by the resilience you show as you carry the weight of your truth. Some wounds may never be spoken of, but you can still heal, and you can still find peace, in your own time and in your own way.
Most days I feel as if I could just disappear and no one would notice, like midnight rain. And I’m not gonna lie, I prefer that for the most part. I’ve never been good with people, with expressing how I feel, and with letting anyone inside the walls I’ve built around me.
But there are these rare moments when I wish I created deeper connections with others. Moments when I long for conversations that feel like I’m having a glimpse of someone else’s soul, or sharing a piece of myself, even if it’s something as simple as a favorite song.
Most of the time I feel like no one would ever notice if I opted out of this world. But there are also days when I wish someone would just think of me and remember the sound of my voice or the way I laugh. It’s just a comforting thought, I guess, knowing that in this beautiful world full of busy people, I existed and somehow, I mattered.
Oh, how I wish self compassion wasn’t so hard for me. It’s like my brain purposely goes against it. It doesn’t come natural. There’s a part of me that tends to speak in a compassionate way yet she gets knocked down repeatedly. Kind words spoken to self makes the demon mad.
When things are quiet in my mind and I sense safety in my body my thoughts are more productive, kinder towards myself, hopeful, truthful, encouraging, calming … they’re healthy. But more often than not my system is fired up. I yearn to feel safety but it’s a very rare thing for me.
I try and make the best of what I have. But the slightest little thing pushes me into high alert and my system begins firing threat signals. A sound, a smell, a cell phone notification, a car door, a movement, a bodily sensation … these things all crush my sense of safety and my body takes over. My heart rate shoots up, trembling overwhelms my body, sleeplessness haunts me at night and exhaustion plagues me by day.
I want solitude. I want healing. But it’s so far out of reach that it’s a waste of time to even try.
Its hard to talk sometimes. That’s above and beyond everything else, and it’s not a mental complaint – it’s a physical thing. Like it’s physically hard to open my mouth and make the words come out. They don’t come out smooth and in conjunction with my brain the way normal people’s words do. They come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser. I stumble over them as they gather behind my lower lip.
This song hit me like a ton of bricks last night. See, I have this thing about always saying I’m ok. If I was on the floor, crying, and bleeding I would still look up at you and tell you that I’m ok. It seems like those are the only 2 words that exist in my vocabulary sometimes.
So last night I was in a pretty dark mood and instead of seeking out positive things to draw out a lighter mood, I was like … screw this DBT stuff. I was angry but no idea why. And the sadness was so heavy that it was almost tangible. I opened up youtube and just started going from one song to another and then this one started playing.
It amazes me how music can so accurately speak for me when the words aren’t there. At the beginning of every session my therapist asks me how I am doing and my automatic response is … I’m okay. Every. Single. Time. Because I don’t have the words to accurately answer her question. To be honest, I don’t think I know how to be anything other than ‘okay’.
So for now, I’ll let the lyrics of this song say it for me. And while it plays quietly in my ear I’ll just keep smiling and telling you … I’m okay.
Tonight the monsters in my head Are screaming so damn loud But I built walls so high So they never even make a sound
It’s a mask, it’s a lie It’s the only home I’ve ever known ‘Cause being who I really am Has only left me more alone
I am not okay And I need you to see it I have so much to say And no one to hear it The reason I keep quiet With so much at stake I always feel like a burden, let it silence me You’ll never understand Why it’s so hard to say I’m not okay
I wish I had a scar Had a bruise on the surface, any kind of proof That everything I feel is more than just some sad excuse
My life’s invisible abuse I’m either judged or have to hide The only symptom you can see Is I don’t wanna be alive,
I am not okay And I need you to see it I have so much to say And no one to hear it The reason I keep quiet With so much at stake I always feel like a burden, let it silence me You’ll never understand Why it’s so hard to say
I’ll never have the words, I can’t explain this hell But what if it kills me If I keep it to myself? To myself
I am not okay And I need you to see it I have so much to say And no one to hear it I am not okay I am not okay I’m never safe It’s not a phase If I finally break Would you still stay?
You must understand that sometimes there will be days that you’re not in the mood to talk to anyone, even if it’s your family and your closest friends.
You will want to ignore talking in person, on phone calls, on text msgs, even on social media.
Not because you don’t care and not because you’re in a bad mood either but because sometimes your mind and body will just crave silence. Sometimes, your soul will need silence for you to figure things out.
I want you to know that if you find yourself spacing out and distancing yourself from everyone it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad or mean person. You’re a human and it’s okay if you have a meltdown. Life can be a lot and sometimes it just becomes too much. You don’t owe anyone any explanations for choosing to prioritize what your soul needs and deserves.
Do what you have to do to reset and recharge then get back up and go again.
Her Complex Musings 
You must be logged in to post a comment.