skills – Her Complex Musings

I Just Want To Live

September 19, 2025September 19, 2025 A Girl In A Complex World

Well, the comfort I was receiving from the hot water bottle was wonderful. Except, it was short-lived. Through no fault of its own though! That hot water bottle was / STILL IS an incredible tool in my Skills Box.

A lot has happened lately. Maybe a slight percentage has been a genuine response to trauma and/or illness, and not something I had complete control over …. but when you choose to do something, YOU are the reason it happens. So whatever happens is your fault, isn’t it?

I’ve put my body through absolute torture these past 2 weeks and its going to take a while to settle from it all. Unless you deal with it on your own personal level, absolutely no one will ever comprehend what its like to live with a brain that wants me dead.

I can’t help but feel a little jealous … I’m actually more than a little jealous, but I digress … of the ppl I hear and read about who also deal with depression, PTSD, eating disorders, BPD, dissociation, and so on who have found ways to still live productive lives and can maintain a level of stability that is acceptable in other ppl’s eyes. I’ve been dealing with this stuff for several decades … and I have yet to discover what ‘stable’ looks and feels like.

I don’t get angry very often but right now I feel absolutely PISSED – at everyone and everything. All I want is to be able to eat, drink, sleep, and socialize with other ppl the way other stable, functional human beings do every single day. It really isn’t that much to ask, is it?

I want to live … and experience things outside of survival. That’s all I want. I’ve totally got the survival part figured out. Now, I just want to live.

My Heart Needs A Hot Water Bottle

September 2, 2025September 2, 2025 A Girl In A Complex World

I slept with a hot water bottle on my chest last night.

The ache in my heart was more than the heaviness from everything life has thrown at me recently. It was physical. Last night my heart was raw. Broken. And it hurt. No pain could ever compare to that of an injured heart … And that’s a big statement coming from me.

I’m no stranger to physical pain. My body has endured a great deal of trauma over the years and I’ve grown quite accustomed to high levels of pain. From cuts and bruises, burns, and broken bones to having body parts ripped and torn, crushed, and even amputated. Yes, you read that right. Amputated. I lost my left arm in a car accident in 2010. So I know what it’s like to feel pain. But I would go through everything all over again if I knew it would cure my injured heart.

I think most of us have had our hearts injured at some point in life – maybe even regularly – and injuries need to recover and heal. If you’ve ever been injured physically, you know that warmth and gentleness are requirements for healthy recovery. We need that warmth. We need gentleness.

Sometimes you can get those things from other people, but sometimes you have to find a way to give them to yourself. And last night I found a great deal of comfort in sleeping with a hot water bottle on my chest.

To feel that presence of warmth, was something I had no idea I needed and as I lay there in the dark, something shifted inside of me. Though reluctantly at first, I allowed myself to lean into the warmth, and then tears began to fall.

It was like giving myself a gift – which I’m not that great at doing. But I really do want ‘Danielle’ to be okay. I want her to always know that a warm presence is available, no matter who is or isn’t around.

I think one of the most incredible gifts we have been given as humans is the ability to comfort ourselves. The best tool I’ve learned in my journey with CPTSD is self-soothing. I still have a long way to go, but I’ve come so far from when drugs, food, and self-harm were the only tools I had.

For me, this deep ache of sadness in my heart is the scariest emotion of all. It’s the one I run from time after time, afraid that if it catches me, it will swallow me whole. I always seem to forget that not once has that ever happened.

Sometimes it will feel like our heart has been shattered, beyond the point of being able to ever experience any sort of joy or peace again. Just remember, feelings are not always facts!

And you can always sleep with a hot water bottle! That helps too.

Just Breathe

July 25, 2025July 25, 2025 A Girl In A Complex World

Breathe …
You’re going to be okay.

Breathe …
Remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this depressed and uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you survived.

Breathe …
You can survive this too.
These feelings can’t break you. They’re excruciating, I know. But honey, you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass.
I promise!
It might not be right away, but soon, they are going to fade and it won’t feel as awful as it does right now.

Breathe …
You can do this.
And when these crushing feelings do pass, you’ll look back at this moment and wonder why you ever doubted your own resilience.
I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing …
again and again.

This will pass. I promise it will pass.
Just breathe.

What Brings YOU Joy?

June 14, 2024June 25, 2024 A Girl In A Complex World

Personally, I think the path to happiness is paved with appreciation for the simple pleasures in our lives. Making this list today reminded me that I am surrounded by a beautiful tapestry of joy. I’m so often blinded by so much darkness around me that I tend to forget that beauty still exists. From the warmth of sunlight to the gentle nudges from my dogs, each thing adds a unique hue to the blend of beauty that resonates within me.

It’s there. Joy does exist. I know there is more to me and my life than darkness, mental illness, pain, and suffering. During a hospitalization, a very rude psychiatrist once told me that I am ‘leaving behind a terrible legacy’. Those were his words. And that has stayed with me. Not exactly the kindest thing to say to a suicidal individual. But, I digress.

During a session with my therapist on Tuesday, she said something along the lines of there being more to me than just being a complex case. So often I’ve been labeled as difficult … unique … challenging … complicated … and my favorite – complex. More often than not it’s all doom and gloom, jumping from one crisis to the next, with me. Ppl don’t think of beauty … or courage … or strength … or determination … and certainly not joy or happiness … when they think of me. So in a way, I guess that psychiatrist was right after all. If I died today, the legacy I leave will not be a joyful one.

So I decided to take some time to reflect on what brings me joy on a personal level. The following list is what I came up with and it has really opened my eyes to be able to see that beauty does exist in my life. My struggles are what others see. And more often than not, it’s what I see too. So if you are anything like me, I challenge you to take a few moments to intentionally think of the things that bring you joy.

But don’t be discouraged. It has actually taken me a few days to write this post because happy things don’t naturally come to mind for me. But if you be patient and intentional I think you will be pleasantly surprised by what you come up with. And please, feel free to leave a comment below and share, even just one thing, that brings joy to your life. Let’s shift the conversation for a moment and flood my blog with beautiful things! We could all use some of that today. 🦋

My relationship with God. I list this first and foremost because other things would not be possible without it. It’s not only a source of joy, it’s my everything. My life revolves around my faith. It’s where my hope, my comfort, and my strength radiate from.
The warmth of sun on my face.
Hearing ppl laughing out loud, especially kids. It’s infectious. When was the last time you heard someone laughing and you didn’t smile in return?
The smell of homemade bread. It reminds me of my Nan.
The way words and harmonies go together to create music. Everything about music brings me joy.
Nature. Anything and everything about nature brings me joy. Especially the awe-inspiring sight of sunrises and sunsets. Each time it’s like watching the Master Artist paint a new picture just for me because at my unique location and position I’m the only one with that particular view.
The talents that some people possess just blows my mind. Witnessing creative expression, whether it be through a song, video, dance, writing, painting, etc That brings me joy.
Being able to perform a random act of kindness. I love paying for the next person’s coffee order in Tim’s drive thru.
The love and affection I receive from my 2 dogs.
Being productive. The sense of achievement I get when I check something off my to-do list.
Dancing. Losing myself in the rhythm and movement of music. Actually feeling the music in my body.
Rainy days. The calming sound of heavy rain on the window. Not the misty, dreary kind of rain. But rather the kind that just pours from the heavens.
Discovering new books. Finding a work of literary art that leaves me wanting more after the last word is read (or heard, as most of my books are in audiobook format these days).
Random encounters. Striking up conversations with strangers that leave lasting impressions.
Hugs. Embracing (and being embraced) by another person and feeling their warmth. I’m not a touchy-feely kind of person but a genuine hug from someone I trust is something I actually crave sometimes and it brings me joy.
Scented candles. I love the soothing ambiance of the flickering flame and the fragrances they give off.
Watching the stars. It’s so enchanting.
Learning something new. Especially when it turns into a hobby. I learned about Neurographic art through a random tiktok video and it has since turned into a wonderful hobby and it brings me so much joy.
Acts of generosity. I love the feeling that comes with helping others.
Animals. No explanation is necessary because everything about animals (especially dogs) brings me joy!

It is in cherishing these things that I find joy and contentment in the midst of the challenges in my life. It is through gratitude that I unlock the doors to genuine happiness, and each day becomes an opportunity to celebrate the blessings that bring light and joy into my life. Fostering an attitude of gratitude is what allows me to savor these moments.

I challenge you to do the same today!

🦋

50 Things About Me! ☆Part 2☆

February 19, 2024February 19, 2024 A Girl In A Complex World

26. Can you whistle? Slightly. I can make a sound but that’s about it
27. Where were you born? Grand Falls, NL Canada
28. Any Surgeries? 2 (repair of shoulder following a traumatic arm amputation. And a knee repair)
29. Piercings? 6
30. Shower or bath? Shower
31. Last song you heard? Amazing Love
32. Broken bones? Cheek bones, nose, chin, 5 fractures along my spine, 2 toes
33. How many TV’s in your home? 2
34. Worse pain? Recovering from a car accident was brutal from a physical standpoint. But the worst pain I’ve ever felt was deep within my being. Mental illness was destroying my mind as well as my body and I was crying out to God to let me die. That is a pain unlike any other.
35. Do you like to sing? Yes
36. Are your parents still alive? Yes
37. Do you like to go camping? Love it!!
38. What do you binge watch? All the medical drama shows … 9-1-1/Grey’s Anatomy/The Good Doctor/New Amsterdam etc
39. Favorite Pie? Oooohh. That would definitely have to be cherry
40. Favorite time of day? Sunrise. The darkness is leaving and a new day is dawning
41. Chocolate or vanilla? Definitely vanilla
42. Have you ever been on a plane? Yes. I flew to Ontario to a rehab center then flew back home several months later, clean, sober, and alive!
43. What did you want to be when you grew up? A social worker
44. What is the best job you ever had? I absolutely loved working as an early childhood educator at a local daycare and preschool center
45. Favorite movie? Girl Interrupted
46. Christmas or Halloween? Christmas all the way!!
47. What color is your toothbrush? Purple
48. Bad habits? Skipping meals, not opening mail right away, ignoring the signals my body sends me
49. Last person you hugged? David (husband)
50. What is one thing you could talk about for hours? My dogs!

Your Best Is Good Enough

December 16, 2023December 16, 2023 A Girl In A Complex World

In case no one has told you yet today, let me to be the first to say, “You really are doing enough.”

You are here. Breathe in everything you have experienced these past few weeks. Everything that brought you to this moment.

You are choosing to be intentional about your healing journey.

And your choice is enough.

This day … this moment … may not look like any of us thought it would look or how we wish things would be going … but I want to invite you to gently consider the truth that you are doing your best to do your best, and your best is good enough.

Do You Have An Anchor In Your Toolbox?

November 1, 2023November 7, 2023 A Girl In A Complex World

Sometimes I need to be reminded of things that are outside of this particular moment. I get so caught up in what I’m feeling right now or I get stuck in a memory loop, where I have one specific flashback that plays repeatedly, consuming me … I forget that I have an entire life outside of this place where I’m stuck. That’s where I have been discovering that any type of visual reminder, of a positive moment, helps me to become grounded. I have added a few videos and pictures to a folder on my phone and I’ve been sitting here in my bathroom, watching the videos on repeat.

This one shows a moment from this summer that has stayed with me very vividly. The way I felt in that moment was something I became very mindful of so I’m guessing that’s why I can feel it to be so real. I had been walking the beach near my house and my 2 dogs were with me. We’d had 2 days of rain so they were super happy to be outside and get to run around. When I stopped I took in all of my surroundings and I felt such an incredible warm feeling run through the center of my chest. Everything in that moment bordered on perfection. The direction of the sun, the temperature, the light breeze in my hair, the warmth from the sun shining down on my face, my dogs barking after each other as they zoom past me to chase each other through the salt water …

There are always things that you can cling to in moments of difficulty that can serve as an anchor. You might have one specific thing or many different ones. Whatever the case might be, use them. If you have to watch a 17 second video 29 times in a row to get the trembling in your bones to stop, then do it. You so deserve to be reminded of these moments of joy when the weight of depression is trying to crush you.

Having achors to keep you grounded is a great tool to have in your toolbox. One of my go-to skills.

Just sayin’.