Tag: suicide loss

Grief Is Like Glitter

A Girl In A Complex World
Ashley and I

We don’t always get to choose who we get to love or who it is we’re going to lose, or what breaks our hearts in two … but ya know, no one really dies if the love remains, because nothing that dies really goes away.

Grief is just like glitter. It’s hard to brush away. In the light, it still shimmers, just like it was yesterday. It falls like confetti. All of the memories explode like a hand grenade. It’s sweet, and it’s bitter. So you see, grief, it’s like glitter. And oh, what a mess it makes.

All the hurt and the rage, the what ifs and the prayers on the hardest days. You accept what you can’t change. Some people leave life early, and there are others who get to stay. And our hearts, they burst just like fireworks at the end of the parade.

Grief is definitely like glitter. It’s so friggin’ hard to brush away. Sometimes, like today, it still shimmers like it was yesterday … falling all around me, just like confetti …

And what a mess it makes.

What I wouldn’t give to hug you just one more time …

On That Day

A Girl In A Complex World
Ashley (left) and Me (right)

I wondered why the clocks didn’t stop
On that day.
My world stopped spinning
When I walked into the bathroom and found you submerged in a bathtub full of bloody water.
I wondered how the rest of the world could keep going
Without you here.
You took a piece of me with you
On that day.
But I forgive you.
I’d forgive you a million times over if it would bring you back to me.

Ashley

Suicide.

A Girl In A Complex World

Even the word is evocative
And provocative
Charged with such emotion and energy.
Memories and thoughts of what was and what could have been
had I succeeded,
had I been successful.

A ‘Successful’ Suicide
What an oxymoron!
A failed attempt and all it leaves
Behind;
Surrounded by despair
That is now also dressed in anger.

The feelings of failure
‘I can’t even kill myself properly’
Let me die.
Please God
Let me go …….
This hurts so much.

Judgement
Where tenderness is most needed
Coldness
Where warmth and compassion are ached for

Their absence proof that staying is futile
Painful
Pointless!

I want a heart that can hear
Without defensive fear
Impatience and dismissal
Without accusations of selfishness
And attention seeking
Smirks and sneers
That cut deeply into my already fragmented self

Bring me a cup of tea
Sit with me
Don’t look away!
Show me tenderness
Truthfulness
Rawness
Be real

I’ve no interest in talks of helplessness And hopelessness
And ideation
And intention
And plans
And triggers

I need humanity
Not science
Not medical jargon

Hold my hand
Connect with me
Allow me to grieve my past self
Allow me to see myself through your eyes;
Help me see hope in you.
Give me some time and I will do the same for you.

Taken Off Guard By Grief

A Girl In A Complex World

Sometimes all I want is a little comfort. Just a tiny sliver of it for a few short moments and I would be grateful. Because the ache of missing someone is just so incredibly intense. I didn’t want to get out of bed today. In fact I haven’t wanted to physically move at all. I did manage to move myself from my bed to the patio outside, where I curled up on the bench and spent hours just staring up at the sky. The sun was perfection. The temperature was perfection. The occasional perfect breeze blew across my face, just enough to remind me to take another breath. Secretly though, I wanted nothing more than to stop. Breathing I mean. To stop … existing.

The thoughts and feelings are haunting me every single minute that I’m awake. Sometimes I just don’t have the energy to fake a smile, because the emotions are way too close to the surface and it feels like the tears are about to slip out at any minute …

But no, thanks. I have managed to come this far today. I’ve made it past 5:30. So I just want to eat some hot soup. Or maybe I can manage some toast instead. But please, please don’t make me go anywhere. I’m just so tired. I know this feeling is temporary and that it will pass, just like the rain that was falling out here last night.

It’s just that sometimes that old familiar longing to have you alive, back here on earth and back in my life again takes me off guard because nothing can ever replace a friend once suicide takes her away. 💔