Darling,
You aren't a machine.
You are a beautiful soul who needs
God
music
dogs
connection
sunshine
gentleness
sunsets
hugs
These small pockets of joy? You really need them.
So prioritize them like your life depends on it ...
Because it does.
Yesterday evening was rough. Anxiety had been raging through my body all day and my mood was all over the place. I was pretty discouraged. But it was a beautiful evening and I had been out in the garden. My pain level was quite high and I was close to tears. I sat back in my chair on the patio and I was looking up at the sky. Talking to God, I was telling Him how I could really use a dose of encouragement.
There was a notification on my phone and it was a pastor friend of mine. We began chatting and I shared a bit of what was going on. In between texts I was resting my head against the back of the chair, looking up at the sky. I noticed a long white jet trail stretching out above me. And when I looked closer I saw another trail beginning. I watched the jet make it’s way across the sky, soaking up the beauty of the evening sunset.
I’ve seen many jets in my lifetime, flying high in the sky, but what I witnessed yesterday was like a personal sign from God. The thought came to me … beauty still remains, you just need to look closer. It moved me to tears. The colors of the sky at that precise moment along with the fresh jet streams running above me were such a sight to behold.
I was reminded, in more ways than one, that I am not alone even though it felt that way yesterday evening. I was reminded that in the midst of struggle, beauty remains. Between the words coming to me from Linda and the view stretching across the sky above me, I was encouraged.
Which is what I asked for.
It felt nice to be seen and heard.
🦋
Its been such a beautiful day for a road trip! We are in Bay Roberts for the night to attend our Goddaughter’s first communion tomorrow morning.
The weather was beautiful. We took our time. No rushing necessary today. We set up the backseat of our car so that the dogs would have a comfy trip. Their dog bed covers the entire back seat perfectly so whenever we are going to be in the car for a while we bring it along.
There was nothing out of the ordinary about this trip. But Buddy’s anxiety was through the roof the entire 5 hours we were on the road. We made a stop pretty much every hour to let them get out and have a short walk and a drink. Zoey was great. Not much of a sound out of her all day but Buddy trembled for more than half of the trip and spent most of it in my arms. I’ve never seen him upset Ike that because he loves being in the car.
Overall it’s been a good day. The sun has been food for my soul and the colors of this evening’s sky were sheer perfection. These are the kind of days that give me strength to want to wake up again tomorrow.
o○o ..。o○○o 🦋 o○○o ..。o○o
You did not come this far for nothing. I promise you. And deep inside your heart, you know it too.
Yet all the setbacks and all the obstacles and all the dark paths you have faced along the way make you question if you have truly made any progress at all.
Do you remember at the beginning when you could barely see the next moment? Now look at you.
You have grown. And taken chances. And fallen. And gotten back up.
And i think that if you were to be honest, you would admit that occasionally when the light shines just so onto your bedroom walls, you can see a glimmer of something. Something that wasn’t there before.
A dream, perhaps. Or a heartbeat that rises up from a place you never thought you had. You are not just trying. You are doing this.
And every step forward is a step in the right direction. Keep going darling. You’ve got places to go.
Remember, in order to get there you have to actually be here. So don’t throw in the towel just yet. Just you wait and see. Your sunshine is on its way. It won’t keep raining forever.
Despite my runny nose, sore throat, and hacking cough my heart feels full. The sun is beaming here today. The birds are out enjoying every second of it. While I watch some of them from my kitchen window I also see drops of water fall from the roof, indicating the temperature outside has reached a whopping +10°c. It’s the warmest temperature we’ve had so far in 2024.
The weather man on the local news is saying that tomorrow it will be plummeting to -13°c. That’s quite a drop. Ouch. My mood often fluctuates with the weather, especially this time of year. This back and forth, from hopeful excitement back to depression, will probably be my pattern over the next couple of months as Mother Nature grapples with whether to hold on or let go of this brutal winter.
Yet its an amazing time, hope filling the dark crevices of my soul. Even though the freezing days remind me of my dark moods, I feel a sense of hope glow internally. It may be just a small glimmer but it’s there.
Hold on.
Sometimes I need to be reminded of things that are outside of this particular moment. I get so caught up in what I’m feeling right now or I get stuck in a memory loop, where I have one specific flashback that plays repeatedly, consuming me … I forget that I have an entire life outside of this place where I’m stuck. That’s where I have been discovering that any type of visual reminder, of a positive moment, helps me to become grounded. I have added a few videos and pictures to a folder on my phone and I’ve been sitting here in my bathroom, watching the videos on repeat.
This one shows a moment from this summer that has stayed with me very vividly. The way I felt in that moment was something I became very mindful of so I’m guessing that’s why I can feel it to be so real. I had been walking the beach near my house and my 2 dogs were with me. We’d had 2 days of rain so they were super happy to be outside and get to run around. When I stopped I took in all of my surroundings and I felt such an incredible warm feeling run through the center of my chest. Everything in that moment bordered on perfection. The direction of the sun, the temperature, the light breeze in my hair, the warmth from the sun shining down on my face, my dogs barking after each other as they zoom past me to chase each other through the salt water …
There are always things that you can cling to in moments of difficulty that can serve as an anchor. You might have one specific thing or many different ones. Whatever the case might be, use them. If you have to watch a 17 second video 29 times in a row to get the trembling in your bones to stop, then do it. You so deserve to be reminded of these moments of joy when the weight of depression is trying to crush you.
Having achors to keep you grounded is a great tool to have in your toolbox. One of my go-to skills.
Just sayin’.
What’s your favorite time of day?
What ever happened to Sunshine? That is what they used to call her when she was a little girl, because she giggled with the sun, as if it spoke to her in a way that only she could understand.
Butterflies, and dandelion wishes kept her busy on most days. The days before the clouds came, and hid the sun away from her.
Sunshine met darkness, and they became inseparable. She grew into a beautiful, but haunted soul; and no matter how much she gave, how much she loved, it always seemed as if storms and destruction followed her.
It made me sad to think that she knew of hell, but it made me smile to know that even hell was jealous of the fire that burned in her soul.
So, whatever happened to Sunshine, the little girl with dreams as big as her heart?
I believe she is still out there somewhere.
I miss her.
I hope that one day I will look in the mirror, and see her once again
-L.L.
Ilmusings
Her Complex Musings 
You must be logged in to post a comment.