Tag: you are worthy

I Survived

A Girl In A Complex World

Well, here we are! Almost through the first month of 2025. Its been quite a roller-coaster of a month, that’s for sure.

As for last year though, if I had to sum up 2024 in 2 words, I would have to say – I survived.


Honestly, it felt like one challenge after another, like the universe was testing just how much I could handle. I found myself breaking in ways I never thought I would. I had to let go of things I held onto for a long time. I wrestled with doubts and fears that I couldn’t silence, and I carried things that felt way heavier than they should have. There were nights when it felt like my own brain was trying to take me out.

And somehow, I’m still here. One thing I’ve learned is that surviving doesn’t always mean you have everything figured out. Sometimes, survival is about finding the courage to wake up and try again, even when it feels like nothing is changing.

Maybe that’s actually what matters the most – holding onto the quiet strength to keep going when life is trying to knock you down, making it harder and harder for you to succeed.

If nothing else, I know now that I am tougher and stronger than I ever thought possible and that feels like something worth holding onto right now.

2024 was not a bad year. In fact, it was one full of personal growth and countless incredible blessings. But since December month, it’s been one crisis after the other and my health, my family, my finances, my marriage, and even my sanity have taken a hit and it caused the year to end on a very low note, which has carried on into this month as well.

I’m going into this year feeling sick, tired, discouraged, and broken. I’m clinging to hope. And I have faith that we will be ok. I think we all need to believe in something, a higher power of some sort, that we can draw some degree of strength from. Something that can provide us with a degree of comfort in those dark hours when we are completely alone and can see no way forward. I believe that if you can find whatever does that for you, then you will be able to survive too – like I have, and continue to do so.

The first month of this new year is over. You did it! Now I hope that whatever the next 11 months have to bring, you will find and tap into something that brings you the strength and comfort you need to get out of bed each day and put your best self forward.

My prayer for us all is that despite such a tough start, 2025 will turn out to be the year that we THRIVE and RECLAIM ourselves! May you get to know and fall head over heels in love with your authentic self this year and I encourage you to reclaim your God-given right to be on this earth!

Just in case you haven’t heard it yet today, or this week … or maybe you haven’t heard it at all this year!

YOU MATTER!

✨️

My Own Worst Enemy

A Girl In A Complex World
Me and Zoey

After spending the last month in hospital on a psych unit, I’m in my own home tonight. I thought often of writing about my experiences while I was there but each time I would just stare at the blank screen and think things like …

Who really wants to hear about a hospital, much less a psyc unit full of crazy ppl?

What if I’m oversharing?

What if ppl start to look at me as a crazy person now?

Someone who knows me in real life might recognize me and then everyone in town will know things about me and will never look at me the same way again.

You get the idea. So I have not written anything in a month. I’ve kept myself locked up and silenced because of shame.
Well, you know what? Screw everybody! I don’t care what ppl think!

Me and Buddy

Sorry, that’s not very nice of me. I don’t mean that. I really do care what ppl think. I care too much. That’s the problem.

I need to be a little selfish and think of myself sometimes. Particularly about writing. I love to write but I’m so focused on other ppl and what they think that it prevents me from genuinely expressing myself, both in real life and online. I want to work on changing that. I want to write from my heart. I want to be genuine and honest and tell things the way I want to tell them, without shame.

I just want to relax a bit and be myself. I want to let go of the shame and judgment. I truly am my own worst enemy.

Me and David

Rest, Restore & Repair

A Girl In A Complex World
Buddy & Me

Some days you just gotta give in. Self-care today has consisted of a whole lot of nothing. No make up. No hair styling. An old pair of ripped jeans. (Which we all know are the best anyway) And an old baggy sweater. I’ve had slippers on over my fuzzy socks and a blanket has been kept within reach.

I am both mentally and physically exhausted. It’s day 4 or 5 of this recent CRPS flare. I’ve lost track, as the days and nights have kinda blended into one another. Chronic pain can be brutal on any level. But these flare-ups of Complex Regional Pain Syndrome push things to a whole different level.

My body can’t regulate it’s temperature. I go from shivering to sweating and back again in the blink of an eye. Even a light sensation of something against my legs or feet feels like razor blades slicing through my skin. I feel like my upper body is currently wrapped tightly in barbed wire with electricity shooting through it.

Up until last night, I have been pushing through, not letting the pain slow me down. But while picking up dog toys around the house before bed, nausea swept over me and the vomiting started. It was a long night of trying to lay still and keep my breath regulated because each time I moved I’d throw up.

So today, I was forced to prioritize rest. Maybe I should have done this before. But I guess in the back of my mind I just feel that by resting, I’m letting the pain win. I keep hoping that it will all be OK and will go away again in a day or 2. Except I should know by now that these flares never go away that quickly.

Rest is hard for me. Especially during the daytime. But I have to say that I actually enjoyed having this down time today. My boy was by my side (and my head!) all day. There’s such a profound level of comfort that comes with having a dog next to me. It puts my entire self at ease when I feel the warmth from their body against mine.

I ate without putting too much focus on good vs. bad food. I treated myself to some diet pop and chewed bubble gum like there was no tomorrow. Netflix took a chunk of my afternoon once I got caught up in a series called Cobra Kai and while I did do laundry, it still sits in the basket waiting to be folded. But hey, at least it’s clean!

Days like this require a lot of self-talk. Constantly needing to tell myself that it’s perfectly OK for me to rest, that it doesn’t mean I’m a fat, lazy, slob. Maybe this wasn’t actually an unproductive day. But rather a day where repair took place. Maybe even a little healing and restoration. Because my pain level has dropped from an 8 this morning to about a 4 or 5 here now at 9pm. So I must have done something right!

Buddy & Me

Let Me Tell You A Secret

A Girl In A Complex World

Life is better when you make space for what you love.

It truly is.

This world will rob you of every ounce of happiness that you possess – if you let it. You have to be intentional about giving yourself something to look forward to. You have to prioritize your joy. Because if you wait for happiness to come to you you’ll be waiting a long time.

It has taken me my entire life to figure this out. I’d long for something good to happen to me. I’d envy ppl when I’d see them smiling. And I’d look really closely at their face and read their body language because you can tell when a smile or a laugh is genuine. And my heart would ache for that feeling.

Now I am learning that it’s possible for every one of us to feel that joy – but we have to be intentional. Look for it. Seek it out. Listen for it.

It doesn’t always come naturally. Maybe it’s a song. If a piece of music stirs your soul then listen to it every day if you have to! Maybe it comes from walking along the beach with waves at your feet. Maybe it’s in your child’s laughter. It could come to you in your car with the window rolled down and the wind blowing through your hair or at the dog park as your dog plays with a new friend. It could bubble up within you when you look at a piece of art you just created or it could come from the smile on your grandfather’s face when you walk into his room. 

Seek out these things. Make room for them. Stop waiting for happiness to come to you. You just might be surprised by what you find if you truly look for it! 🦋

You Won’t Find Nobody Else Like Me

A Girl In A Complex World
Me ♡ David

David said the sweetest thing to me this morning. We were in the car and the song called “Follow Me“ by Uncle Kracker came on the radio. As if on cue we both started singing along. It’s a fun song that goes back to our dating days. It was really popular at the karaoke bar that we used to go to on Thursday nights. Gosh, how times have changed. But, I digress!

The chorus of the song says:


At the end I looked over at David and laughed, and I said, “Thank God, eh? That there’s nobody else like me? One is bad enough!”

He glanced over at me, then back to the road. He didn’t say anything at first. Then he said, “No. You’re wrong. This world would actually benefit from more of you.”

Again, I laughed. I couldn’t help it. This world already has more than enough crazy, messed up ppl who have nothing to offer back to society. “How in the world can you say that?! I can count on my hand the number of ppl who even know I exist. I’m basically invisible. I’m just here using up oxygen that other more deserving ppl need.”

He glanced at me again. “This world needs your heart,” he said. “It needs your love. A lot of problems could be solved if ppl just cared about each other. You have the most beautiful heart out of everyone I’ve ever met and that’s what this world needs more than anything. There’s too many cold hearted, bitter ppl who care about no one but themselves and they don’t care who they hurt. But you aren’t like that. You see the good in everyone. Just imagine if there was more of that!”

It left me speechless

What Brings YOU Joy?

A Girl In A Complex World

Personally, I think the path to happiness is paved with appreciation for the simple pleasures in our lives. Making this list today reminded me that I am surrounded by a beautiful tapestry of joy. I’m so often blinded by so much darkness around me that I tend to forget that beauty still exists.  From the warmth of sunlight to the gentle nudges from my dogs, each thing adds a unique hue to the blend of beauty that resonates within me.

It’s there. Joy does exist. I know there is more to me and my life than darkness, mental illness, pain, and suffering. During a hospitalization, a very rude psychiatrist once told me that I am ‘leaving behind a terrible legacy’. Those were his words. And that has stayed with me. Not exactly the kindest thing to say to a suicidal individual. But, I digress.

During a session with my therapist on Tuesday, she said something along the lines of there being more to me than just being a complex case. So often I’ve been labeled as difficult … unique … challenging … complicated … and my favorite – complex. More often than not it’s all doom and gloom, jumping from one crisis to the next, with me. Ppl don’t think of beauty … or courage … or strength … or determination … and certainly not joy or happiness … when they think of me. So in a way, I guess that psychiatrist was right after all. If I died today, the legacy I leave will not be a joyful one.

So I decided to take some time to reflect on what brings me joy on a personal level. The following list is what I came up with and it has really opened my eyes to be able to see that beauty does exist in my life. My struggles are what others see. And more often than not, it’s what I see too. So if you are anything like me, I challenge you to take a few moments to intentionally think of the things that bring you joy.

But don’t be discouraged. It has actually taken me a few days to write this post because happy things don’t naturally come to mind for me. But if you be patient and intentional I think you will be pleasantly surprised by what you come up with. And please, feel free to leave a comment below and share, even just one thing, that brings joy to your life. Let’s shift the conversation for a moment and flood my blog with beautiful things! We could all use some of that today. 🦋

  1. My relationship with God. I list this first and foremost because other things would not be possible without it. It’s not only a source of joy, it’s my everything. My life revolves around my faith. It’s where my hope, my comfort, and my strength radiate from.
  2. The warmth of sun on my face.
  3. Hearing ppl laughing out loud, especially kids. It’s infectious. When was the last time you heard someone laughing and you didn’t smile in return?
  4. The smell of homemade bread. It reminds me of my Nan.
  5. The way words and harmonies go together to create music. Everything about music brings me joy.
  6. Nature. Anything and everything about nature brings me joy. Especially the awe-inspiring sight of sunrises and sunsets. Each time it’s like watching the Master Artist paint a new picture just for me because at my unique location and position I’m the only one with that particular view.
  7. The talents that some people possess just blows my mind. Witnessing creative expression, whether it be through a song, video, dance, writing, painting, etc That brings me joy.
  8. Being able to perform a random act of kindness. I love paying for the next person’s coffee order in Tim’s drive thru.
  9. The love and affection I receive from my 2 dogs.
  10. Being productive. The sense of achievement I get when I check something off my to-do list.
  11. Dancing. Losing myself in the rhythm and movement of music. Actually feeling the music in my body.
  12. Rainy days. The calming sound of heavy rain on the window. Not the misty, dreary kind of rain. But rather the kind that just pours from the heavens.
  13. Discovering new books. Finding a work of literary art that leaves me wanting more after the last word is read (or heard, as most of my books are in audiobook format these days).
  14. Random encounters. Striking up conversations with strangers that leave lasting impressions.
  15. Hugs. Embracing (and being embraced) by another person and feeling their warmth. I’m not a touchy-feely kind of person but a genuine hug from someone I trust is something I actually crave sometimes and it brings me joy.
  16. Scented candles. I love the soothing ambiance of the flickering flame and the fragrances they give off.
  17. Watching the stars. It’s so enchanting.
  18. Learning something new. Especially when it turns into a hobby. I learned about Neurographic art through a random tiktok video and it has since turned into a wonderful hobby and it brings me so much joy.
  19. Acts of generosity. I love the feeling that comes with helping others.
  20. Animals. No explanation is necessary because everything about animals (especially dogs) brings me joy!

It is in cherishing these things that I find joy and contentment in the midst of the challenges in my life. It is through gratitude that I unlock the doors to genuine happiness, and each day becomes an opportunity to celebrate the blessings that bring light and joy into my life. Fostering an attitude of gratitude is what allows me to savor these moments.

I challenge you to do the same today!

🦋

Cherish The Good Days

A Girl In A Complex World

Its been such a beautiful day for a road trip! We are in Bay Roberts for the night to attend our Goddaughter’s first communion tomorrow morning.

June 8th, 2024
♡•♡•♡•♡

The weather was beautiful. We took our time. No rushing necessary today. We set up the backseat of our car so that the dogs would have a comfy trip. Their dog bed covers the entire back seat perfectly so whenever we are going to be in the car for a while we bring it along.

There was nothing out of the ordinary about this trip. But Buddy’s anxiety was through the roof the entire 5 hours we were on the road. We made a stop pretty much every hour to let them get out and have a short walk and a drink. Zoey was great. Not much of a sound out of her all day but Buddy trembled for more than half of the trip and spent most of it in my arms. I’ve never seen him upset Ike that because he loves being in the car.

Buddy, trying to make his way into the front seat

Overall it’s been a good day. The sun has been food for my soul and the colors of this evening’s sky were sheer perfection. These are the kind of days that give me strength to want to wake up again tomorrow.

Bay Roberts’ Dog Park

o○o ..。o○○o  🦋  o○○o ..。o○o

Growing

A Girl In A Complex World

You did not come this far for nothing. I promise you. And deep inside your heart, you know it too.

Yet all the setbacks and all the obstacles and all the dark paths you have faced along the way make you question if you have truly made any progress at all.

Do you remember at the beginning when you could barely see the next moment? Now look at you.

You have grown. And taken chances. And fallen. And gotten back up.

And i think that if you were to be honest, you would admit that occasionally when the light shines just so onto your bedroom walls, you can see a glimmer of something. Something that wasn’t there before.

A dream, perhaps. Or a heartbeat that rises up from a place you never thought you had. You are not just trying. You are doing this.

And every step forward is a step in the right direction. Keep going darling. You’ve got places to go.

Remember, in order to get there you have to actually be here. So don’t throw in the towel just yet. Just you wait and see. Your sunshine is on its way. It won’t keep raining forever.

It’s OK To Take A Moment

A Girl In A Complex World

If the mountain seems too big today
then climb a hill instead;
If morning brings you sadness
it’s okay to stay in bed.
If the day ahead feels heavy and your plans feel like a curse,
There’s no shame in rearranging,
don’t make yourself feel worse.
If a shower stings like needles
and a bath feels like you’ll drown;
If you haven’t washed your hair for days,
don’t throw away your crown!
A day is not a lifetime.
A rest is not defeat.
Don’t think of it as failure,
Just a quiet, kind retreat.
It’s okay to take a moment
From an anxious, fractured mind.
The world will not stop turning
While you get realigned!
The mountain will still be there
When you want to try again
You can climb it in your own time,
Just love yourself till then ..

~ Laura Ding-Edwards ~

Your Best Is Good Enough

A Girl In A Complex World

In case no one has told you yet today, let me to be the first to say, “You really are doing enough.”  

You are here. Breathe in everything you have experienced these past few weeks. Everything that brought you to this moment.

You are choosing to be intentional about your healing journey.

And your choice is enough. 

This day … this moment … may not look like any of us thought it would look or how we wish things would be going … but I want to invite you to gently consider the truth that you are doing your best to do your best, and your best is good enough.